Lessons with Laughter

254 LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER

1-IDIOMS

Can you complete these jokes? Try first without

looking at the answers. Each answer depends

on a common English idiom. Do you understand

each one?

1- Why can't you play jokes on snakes?

2- When is an actor happy to become a thief?

3- "My mother made a terrible mistake today.

She gave my father soap flakes instead of

cornflakes for breakfast." "Was he angry?"

4- Two flies flew onto a coffee cup and argued

about who arrived first and who should get to

drink the cold coffee. Which one got angry

and left?

5- Why is it impossible to play tennis quietly?

6- How could you help a starving cannibal?

7- When does a patient find an operation funny?

8- Why did the tired man put his bed in the fireplace?

9- When are mosquitoes annoying?

A- When he steals the show.

B- He wanted to sleep like a log.

C- Only foaming at the mouth.

D- Give him a hand.

E- Because you can never pull their legs.

F- The one that flew off the handle.

G- When it leaves him in stitches.

H- When they get under your skin.

I- Because you can't play it without raising

a racket.

2-PHRASAL VERBS

Complete each joke with a verb. Try to do it

without looking at the list of verbs below. Each

verb makes up a phrasal verb. Underline them all.

see, put, drop, pick, hold, let, drive, fall, step

1- "Doctor, Doctor, I can't sleep at night,"

"Sleep on the edge of the bed and you'll

soon......off".

2- "Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?"

"Because you can always ...... through

them".

3- "Why do birds in a nest always agree?"

"Because they don't want to ...... out"

4- "When is a deep-sea diver disappointed with

his colleagues?"

"When they ...... him down."

5- "What training do you need to become a rubbish

collector?"

"None, you ...... it up as you go along."

6- "Waiter, I asked you to bring my order quickly

but why is the food on my plate all

squashed?"

"Well sir, when you ordered your food, you

did tell me to ......on it."

7 - "Why do taxi-drivers always go bankrupt?"

"Because they ...... their customers away."

8 - Witt: "Did you ...... the cat out, dear?"

Sarcastic Husband: "No. Was it on fire?"

9- "When are the traffic police strong?"

"When they ...... up cars with one hand"

3-WORD PARTNERSHIPS

Aword partnership - or collocation - is two or

more words which go together in a special way

- a golden opportunity. Complete the following

jokes with word partnerships.

clean, hopping, filthy, splitting, grave, sweet,

light, lame, smashing

1- "What does an angry kangaroo do?"

"It gets .......... mad.

2- "Doctor, when I go to bed I wake up every

thirty minutes."

"Are you a .......... sleeper?"

"No, I sleep in the dark."

3- "You're late for school again. What's your

excuse?"

"I sprained my ankle and I couldn't walk

properly, sir."

"That's a..........excuse."

4- "Why did the burglar take a shower?"

"He wanted to make a.........getaway."

5- "I've invented a new pill. Half of the pill is

aspirin and the other half is glue,"

"But who is it for?"

"People with.........headaches."

6- "What did the hooligan say after breaking all

the school windows?"

"I've had a..........time.

7- "Did you hear about the undertaker who

buried somebody in the wrong cemetery?

"He lost his job for making such a..........mistake."

8- "Why do you put lumps of sugar under your

pillow?"

"So that I will have.........dreams,"

9- "What do you call a millionaire who never

washes?"

".........rich."

LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER 255

4-PUNS

Apun is a play upon words - usually one word

with two meanings. For example, a mouse is

both an animal and something you use with a

computer. Complete these jokes with puns.

present, fork, fine, pretty ugly,charge

atmosphere, merry can, change, poor

1- "Have you noticed any.........in me?"

"No! Why?"

"I've just swallowed some coins accidentally."

2- "Some girls think I'm handsome and some

girls think I'm horrible. What do you think

Mary?"

"A hit of both........."

3- "You have to be rich to play golf."

"Then why are there so many.........players?"

4- "I think we've just had a puncture."

"How did it happen?"

"There was a..........in the road."

5- "Well son, how was your first day at the new

school?"

"Great! The teacher is going to give me a

gift."

"How do you know that?"

"Well, when I arrived, she pointed to a chair

in the corner and said, "Sit over there for

the..........."

6- "Why did the two astronauts decide to leave

the restaurant in the moon and return to one

on Earth?"

"They said it had no.........."

7- "I'm going to have to put you in a prison cell

for the night."

"What's the.........Officer?"

"Nothing. It's all part of the service!"

8- "Why did you park your car on the yellow

lines?"

"Because the sign says.........FOR PARKING."

9- "What do you call a happy tin in the USA?"

"A.........!"

5-HOMOPHONES

Homophones are two words which have the

same sound but different meanings. Complete

the following jokes. The humor depends on homophones

in each one.

read/red, stories/storeys, rains/reins,

bean/been, bolder/boulder, pane/pain,

bare/bear, allowed/aloud, week/weak

1- "Waiter, what do you call this?"

"It's..........soup, sir."

"I don't care what it's..........What is it now?"

2- "Have you ever hunted.......... ?"

"No, I always hunt with my clothes on."

3- "Why are black clouds like somebody riding a

horse?

"Because they both hold the .........."

4- "A teacher saw two boys fighting in the playground."

"Stop! You know the school rules - No fighting.........."

"But, sir, we weren't fighting..........We were

fighting quietly."

5- "What is the effect of seven days dieting?"

"They make one.........."

6- "Did you hear about the novelist who lived on

the ninth floor of a block of flats?"

"He dropped six.........into a wastepaper basket

and lived."

7- "How can I get rid of my headache?"

"Hit your head against a window and

the..........will disappear."

8- Fortune Teller: "Would you like your

palm........., sir?"

Man: "NO thanks, I like the color it is now."

9- "What did the small shy stone say?"

"I wish I was a little............."

6-UNUSUAL EXPRESSIONS

Some words with quite common meanings can

be used in word partnerships with meanings

which are difficult to guess. Complete the following

more unusual expressions.

spectacle, laps, tear, knit, stretch, leads,

pardon, hugs, stitch

1- "What happened to the thief who stole a kilometer

of elastic?"

"He was put in prison for a long . .........."

2- "When does a boat show its affection?"

"When it.........the shore."

3- "Did you hear about the cat that came first in

the milk-drinking competition?"

"It won by six........."

4- "What do you do if you split your sides laughing?"

"Run until you get a ......"

5- "Did you hear about the optician who fell into

his lens-grinding machine?"

"He made a ............of himself."

6- "What does a king do after he burps?"

"He issues a royal.........."

7- "How can broken bones be productive?"

"When they begin to.......... together."

8- "Why did the ant rush across the top of a

cereal packet?"

"Because it said '..........along the dotted line'

on the packet."

9- "Ten pedigree dogs have escaped from their

kennels and the police have been unable to

recapture them. They say they have

no.........and are appealing to the public for

help."

256 LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER

7-MISSING WORDS

All the missing words from these jokes make a

natural expression.

shocking, warm, sticky, striking, broken,

hair-raising, rare, bare-faced, stinking

1- A millionaire who doesn't wash is someone

who is ............. rich.

2- While repairing his television Mr. Smith

touched a live electric wire. When he recovered,

he described it as a..........experience.

3- A fireman always gets a.............. reception

wherever he goes.

4- It is a complete waste of time telling bald

men ...............stories.

5- The man who fell into a large tank of glue

came to a..................... end.

6- A politician had such a bad reputation for

being dishonest that he decided to grow a

beard so nobody could call him a..........liar.

7- "She is certainly a..........beauty! She

slapped me twice!"

8- My husband is a man of.................... gifts.

He hasn't given me a present for years.

9- "John!, I know that we have a large crack in

the living-room wall, but will you stop telling

people that you come from a..........home."

8-MOVING STRESS

All these jokes depend on how you say something

- a change in the stress of one or two

words - along the road and a long road.

1- "Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?"

"It had..........to go with."

2- "Have you ever seen a..........?"

"No. How does it hold the rod?"

3- "Why are fishmongers so mean?"

"Because their job makes them................."

4- "What did Mrs. Christmas say to Father

Christmas when a thunderstorm started?"

"Come and look at the........................."

5- Instructor:" Tomorrow you can fly..............."

Trainee pilot: "How low?"

6- A policeman was overtaking a car when he

was surprised to see an old lady knitting

while driving. He wound down his window

and shouted to her, "..........."

"No, a pair of socks! She replied."

7- First woman: "Men are all .....!"

Second woman; "Yes, men are all.....!"

8- "Why are travel-guides like handcuffs?"

"Because they are made for......"

9 "My uncle is an........"

"Is he?"

"Yes. He used to carry suitcases at the

Sheraton Hotel."

A- pull over / pullover

B- ex-porter / exporter

C- two wrists / tourists

D- no body / nobody

E- rain dear / reindeer

F- cat fish / catfish

G- alike / I like

H- so low / solo

I- sell fish / selfish

9-MISUNDERSTANDINGS

All the jokes on this page depend on a misunderstanding

which is caused by stressing or

pronouncing words in different ways.

1- "Can you telephone from an aero plane?"

"............................................."

2- "Teacher: "John, give me a sentence with

'centimeter' in it."

John:"............................................."

3- "What did the electrician's wife ask him when

he arrived home late?"

"............................................."

4- Teacher; "Mary, give me a sentence with

gruesome in it."

Mary: "......................................."

5- An Eskimo who had just finished building a

new igloo called his wife and asked her what

she thought of the new house.

"Oh," she said, "It's..........house."

6- Teacher: "George, give me a sentence with

'unaware' in it."

George:"..............................................."

7- Jim: "I've just had my appendix out"

John: "......................................."

Jim: No thanks, I don't smoke.

8- Teacher:" Sarah, give me a sentence with

fascinate in it"

Sarah: "....................................."

9- "Where does your mother come from?"

"....................................."

"Never mind, I'll ask her myself"

A- My underwear is the first thing I put on

in the morning.

B- an ice

C- I had ten buttons on my shirt but I lost

two, so now I can only fasten eight.

D- Wire you insulate?

E- When my aunt was arriving at the station

I was sent to meet her.

F - Sure, anybody can tell a phone from an

aero plane.

G- Alaska.

H- My dad grew some potatoes in the garden.

I- Will you have a scar?

LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER 257

10-PRESENT PERFECT JOKES

All the following jokes contain examples of the

Present Perfect. When you have agreed on the

missing line, go back and underline all uses of that

tense.

1- "Grocer, are these eggs fresh?"

".............................................."

2- How do we know that carrots are good for

the eyes?

".............................................."

3- "My doctor says I can't play tennis."

".............................................."

4- Dentist: "Calm down, I haven't touched your

tooth yet."

Patient:".............................................."

5- "I've been singing since I was three"

".............................................."

6- "I could marry anyone I please."

"Then why are you still single?"

".............................................."

7- I've received hundreds of replies to my

advertisement for a husband and they all say

the same thing."

"What's that?"

".............................................."

8- Dentist:" That's the biggest cavity I've ever

seen, the biggest cavity I've ever seen"

Patient: "Why are you repeating yourself?"

Dentist;".............................................."

9- This crossword is the most difficult one I've

ever done. I've been trying to think of one

word for two weeks.

".............................................."

A- I haven't pleased anyone yet.

B- How about 'fortnight'?

C- Well, the chickens haven't missed them

yet.

D- No wonder you've lost your voice.

E- Take mine!

F- I'm not - it was an echo.

G- Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing

glasses?

H- I know, but you're standing on my foot.

I- So he has played with you as well.

11-CONDITIONAL JOKES

All the following jokes contain examples of the

Conditional. When you have agreed on the

answers, go back and underline all the verbs in

the conditional clause.

1- "If we get engaged to be married, will you

give me a ring?"

"...................."

2- "If you found some money, would you keep

it?"

"No. I would...................."

3- Fish 1:"How did we end up in this fish shop?"

Fish 2:"Well,...................."

4- "If the baby wakes up during the night, who

gets up?"

"...................."

5- "If you dial 24112229234564563469592,

what will you get"

"...................."

6- "Darling, if the boat sank, who would you

save first, me or the children?"

"...................."

7- "If you fall out of that tree and break your

legs ....................."

8- "What would you do if you were in my

shoes?"

"...................."

9- Two birds were sitting on a branch of a tree

watching a jet plane pass high overhead.

"Look at the speed of that bird," said the

youngest bird.

"........................................." replied the

older bird.

A- Polish them.

B- If your tail was on fire, you would fly just

as fast,

C- A blister on your finger.

D- don't come running to me.

E- Sure. What's your phone number?

F- if we hadn't opened our mouths, we

wouldn't have been caught.

G- spend it.

H- Me.

I- The whole neighborhood.

258 LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER

12-COMPARATIVE JOKES

All the following jokes contain examples of comparatives.

When you have agreed on the

answers, go back and underline all examples of

comparatives and superlatives.

1- "Which burns longer - a black candle or a

white candle?"

"...................................."

2- "What are you going to do when you are as

big as your mother?"

"...................................."

3- "Who is the strongest criminal?"

"...................................."

4- "Have you heard that the most intelligent

person in the world is going deaf?"

"...................................."

5- "Why are wolves like playing cards?"

"...................................."

6- "What is worse than finding a worm in your

apple?"

"...................................."

7- Indecisive Customer: "I've changed my mind

again"

Irritated Shop Assistant:

"...................................."

8- "How do you know when you are middleaged?"

"...................................."

9- What is even harder than a diamond?"

"...................................."

A- Finding half a worm.

B- And is the new one working better than

the old one?

C- When the cake costs less than the candles.

D- A shoplifter.

E- Neither, they both burn shorter.

F- Paying for it!

G- Go on a diet.

H- Pardon?

I- They both come in packs.

13-JOKES WITH SO........THAT

All these jokes contain the structure so..... that.

What kind of words can follow so? How many

of these jokes can be- re-written using such

instead of so?

1- "My father has so many gold teeth that....."

2- "I was so big when I was born that........"

3- "In Spain the melons are so big that......."

4- "The people in my village talk so much

that......."

5- "The Megalith Hotel is so tall that.......".

6- "My sister is so thin that......."

7- "Dolphins are so clever that......."

8- "I have so many wrinkles on my forehead

that......."

9- "My hair is so wavy that................"

10- "The holiday resort was so dull that ......."

A- the ducks throw her bread when she

goes to the park.

B- to call reception from the top floor you

have to dial long distance.

C- the tide went out one day and never

came back.

D- you can hollow them out and use them

as houses.

E- they can train a man to stand on the

edge of their pool and throw them three

times a day.

F- he has to sleep with his head in a safe.

G- the doctor was afraid to slap me.

H- people get seasick looking at me.

I- they have to put sun cream on their

tongues when they go on holiday.

J- I have to screw my hat on.

14-THE BEST WAY

It is always too easy to look at the answers.

Make sure you try to think of your OWN answer

to each of these sentences first. Then compare

your answers with those given.

1- The best way to meet a new neighbor is........

2- The best way to cut your food bill in half

is........ .

3- The best way to get a seat on crowded buses

is........ .

4- The best way to turn people's heads is.........

5- The best way to catch a mouse is........ .

6- The best way to light a fire with two sticks

is........ .

7- The best way to make a cigarette lighter

is........ .

8- The best way to stop a cockerel crowing on a

Sunday is........ .

9- The best way to cover an old cushion is.....

10- The best way to communicate with a fish

is........ .

A- to cook it on Saturday.

B- to take the tobacco out.

C- to drop it a line.

D- to use a pair of scissors.

E- to sit on it.

F- to enter the theatre after the show has

begun.

G- to play loud music at 2 o'clock in the

morning.

H- to become a driver.

I- to make sure one of them is a match.

J- to get somebody to throw you one.

LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER 259

15-MISUNDERSTANDING

GRAMMAR

"We're having my mother for lunch." "Really,

we're having chicken". - They have the

same grammar, but the meanings are totally different.

These jokes depend on this idea.

1- "The police are looking for a man with one

eye called Wilson."

"........................................................."

2- "I've been waiting here for five minutes to

cross this road."

"Well, there's a zebra crossing further down

the road."

"........................................................."

3- Doctor: "You must take one of these pills

three times a day."

Patient:"..............................................."

4- "I had to get up early this morning to open

the door in my pyjamas"

"........................................................."

5- "William, run over and see how old Mrs.

Smith is." (William returns five minutes

later.) "She's annoyed, mum. She said

................................................."

6- "Did you know that deep breathing kills

germs?"

"........................................................."

7- "Did you wake up grumpy this morning?"

"........................................................."

8- "Your dog is chasing a man on a bicycle."

"........................................................."

9- "I've made the chicken soup."

"........................................................."

A- Oh good, I was afraid it was for us.

B- Yes, but how do you get them to breathe

deeply?

C- It is none of your business how old she

is.

D- Don't be stupid. My dog can't cycle.

E- What's the other eye called?

F- No, I just let him sleep late.

G- That's a strange place to have a door.

H- How on earth can I take it more than

once?

I- Well, I hope it is having better luck than

I'm having.

16-QUESTIONS WITH HOW

The answers to these questions are not the ones

you would expect. When you have agreed the

answers, discuss whether you can translate them

into your language.

1- "How can you divide seven potatoes equally

between four people?"

"........................................................."

2- "How long will the next bus be?"

"........................................................."

3- Inspector: "How many people work in this

office?"

Manager:"..........................................."

4- "How much does it cost to get married, dad?"

"........................................................."

5- "How can you double your money?"

"........................................................."

6- Headmaster:" How can we raise the level of

our students?"

Teacher; "............................................"

7- How can you make eleven an even number?

"........................................................."

8- "How do you stop fish from smelling?"

"........................................................."

9- "Well, Peter, how do you like school?"

"........................................................."

10- "How can you tell which end of a worm is its

head?"

"........................................................."

A- Cut off their noses.

B- About half of them.

C- Remove the first two letters.

D- I don't know. I'm still paying for it.

E- Closed.

F- We could use the upstairs classrooms.

G- Tickle it in the middle and wait until it

smiles.

H- Mash them.

I- About six meters.

J- Look at it in a mirror.

17-QUESTIONS WITH WHY

After you have filled in the gaps correctly, think

carefully about each answer. You may need a

dictionary to discover why each is funny.

horns, night, single, beat, sleeping pills, count,

second hand, whip, scales, slip, bright, batter

1- "Why are false teeth like stars?"

"Because they both come out at............"

2- "Why did the man with one hand cross the

road?"

"To get to the...........shop."

3- "Why is a banana like a jersey?"

"Because it's easy to......on."

4- "Why are cooks cruel?

"Because they.............eggs, ......... cream,

and............fish.

5- "Why do teachers at university wear sunglasses?"

"Because their students are very............."

6- "Why is it easy to weigh a fish as soon as you

catch it?"

"Because it has its own......................"

7- "Why is a pocket calculator reliable?"

"Because you can always ............ on it.

8- "Why do cows wear bells?"

"In case their ....................... don't work."

9- "Why is a room full of married people always

empty?"

"Because there isn't a.........person in it."

10- "Why did the nurse open the medicine cabinet

quietly?"

"Because she didn't want to wake up

the........"

260 LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER

18-ANY SUGGESTIONS?

Do your best not to look at the answers to this

lesson. Try to think of your OWN answers first,

agree on them in class, and then see how close or

far you were from the real ones!

1- Nobody ever complained about..............not

opening.

2- My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we........................

3- Someone has invented a new alarm clock for

actors. It doesn't ring, it........................

4- People with loud coughs never go to the doctor,

they go to.......................

5- Goldsmith's wife made him a millionaire.

Before she married him, he was a...............

6- The only time I have trouble with anxiety is

when I try to................................

7- I'm thinking of becoming a doctor. I have

the......... for it.

8- I was so surprised at.................. that I didn't

talk for a year.

9- I decided to sell my drums when I saw my

neighbor coming home with...............

10- Is another name for a funeral parlor

a..............lounge?

A- handwriting

B- a shotgun

C- my birth

D- a parachute

E- applauds

F- spell it

G- met

H- the cinema

I- billionaire

J- departure

19-WHAT'S THE CONTEXT?

Here are 8 sentences. What is the situation in

each? When you have decided that, match

them to the 8 situations below. Try first to guess

the situation before looking at the dialogues.

1- "Just a minute."

2- "Should someone he punished for something

they haven't done?"

3- "Have you seen her mother?"

4- "Do you know your house is on fire?"

5- "But I haven't done anything."

6- "Certainly not. It wouldn't be right."

7- "DOGS MUST BE CARRIED"

8- "No. I'm afraid I don't."

A- "I'm afraid that I have to tell you that you're

sacked."

"........................................................."

"That's why you've been fired."

B- Mr. Wilson, I'd like to ask for your permission

to marry your daughter"

"........................................................."

"Yes, but I prefer your daughter."

C- "Could you help me with my homework?"

"........................................................."

"Maybe not, but you could at least try!"

D- A man walked into a pub where a pianist was

playing and said,

"........................................................."

"No," said the pianist, "But if you hum it I'll

try to follow you."

E- "Late again. What's your excuse this time?"

"Sorry sir, but there was a notice on the bus

saying................... and I couldn't find one

anywhere."

F- Sir "...................................................."

"No, of course not."

"Good, because I haven't done my homework"

G- "Do you know the way to the post office?"

"........................................................."

"Well, go down this road and take the first

turning on the left,"

H- A man wanted to travel from London to Hong

Kong so he telephoned a travel agent to find

out how long the flight was,

"............................................." said the

agent.

"Thank you very much," said the man and

hung up.

20-INSULTING REMARKS

Some people are proud of being able to say

things which are very clever and at the same

time very insulting. All these jokes depend on this

idea.

1- "Will you love me when I'm old and ugly?"

"Of course,..........................................."

2- Singer: "Did you notice how my voice filled

the hall?"

Critic: "And did you notice ....................."

3- "I'm not myself tonight."

"Yes,.............................................."

4- Teacher: "What is wrong with saying I have

went'?"

Student: "............................................"

5- "You remind me of the sea."

"You mean, because I'm wild, reckless and

romantic?"

"........................................................."

6- Father: "Don't you think our son got his intelligence

from me?"

Mother; "He must have done .................."

7- "I'm thirty-eight and I don't look it, do I?"

"........................................................."

8- Very Fat Lady: "I would like to see a dress

that fits me."

Shop Assistant:"............................."

9- "I wish you and your rock group were on TV.

"So you think we are that good!"

"........................................................."

A- I've still got mine.

B- So would I.

C- You are still here.

D- No, because then I could switch you off.

E- I do,

F- how the audience left to make room for it?

G- but you used to.

H- No, because you make me sick.

I- I've noticed the improvement.

LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER 261

21-DEFINITIONS

First, look at the nine words below. Try to say

what they mean without using a dictionary.

Then match them to these definitions.

antique, archaeologist, adult, diplomat,

alarm clock, poverty, net, advice, acquaintance

1- A/an.......................... is somebody who

has stopped growing except around the

waist.

2- A/an ............ is somebody you know well

enough to borrow money from, but not well

enough to lend money to.

3- A/an ............ is a set of holes tied together

with string.

4- A/an ............ is somebody, whose career is

in ruins.

5- A/an ............ is something one generation

buys, the next generation gets rid of, and the

following generation buys again.

6- A piece of ............ is something everybody

gives but few take.

7- A/an ............ is a mechanical device for

waking up people who do not have children.

8- A/an ............ is somebody who thinks

twice before saying nothing.

9- ............ is the only thing money can't buy.

22-PARADOXICAL JOKES

Aparadox is when two things seem to contradict

each other - the comedian was so bad, he was

almost good! All these jokes contain a paradox

a stamp, a bottle, a tap, a towel, a blackboard,

a comb, your word, a book, a river

1- What gets wet as it dries?

2- What has a bed but does not sleep? It also

has a mouth but does not speak.

3- What can you look through but not see

through?

4- What has teeth but can't bite?

5- What can you give somebody and still keep?

6- What has a neck but no head?

7- What runs but has no legs?

8- What can travel round the world yet stay in

one corner?

9- What is black when it's clean and white when

it's dirty?

23-WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

This is another typical type of joke in English.

The answers always follow the same pattern

One..................., the other................

What is the difference between:

1- ...... a lazy student and a fisherman?

2- ...... doormat and a bottle of medicine?

3- ...... a hungry man and a greedy man?

4- ...... a clothes brush and an iceberg?

5- ...... a storm cloud and a child being

spanked?

6- ...... a farmer and a tailor?

7- ...... a night watchman and a butcher?

8- ...... a jeweler and a jailer?

9- ...... a tram driver and a teacher.

A- One longs to eat, the other eats too long.

B- One pours with rain, the other roars with

pain.

C- One minds the train, the other trains the

mind.

D- One is shaken up and taken; the other is

taken up and shaken.

E- One gathers what he sows; the other sews

what he gathers.

F- One sells watches, the other watches cells.

G- One hates his books, the other baits his

hooks.

H- One brushes coats, the other crushes boats.

I- One stays awake, the other weighs a steak.

24-WAITER! WAITER!

Jokes involving complaints to waiters in restaurants

are a classic kind of joke in English. Have

you heard any which start - Waiter! Waiter!

There's a fly in my soup.

1- Waiter: How did you find the steak, sir?

Customer: …………………………………………… .

2- Customer: Waiter! This plate is wet.

Waiter: …………………………………………… .

3- Customer: This soup tastes funny.

Waiter: …………………………………………… .

4- Customer: Waiter! How long have you been

working here?

Waiter: Six months, sir.

Customer: …………………………………………… .

5- Customer: Waiter! This lobster only has one

claw.

Waiter: I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a

fight.

Customer: …………………………………………… .

6- Customer: I'll have a hamburger, please.

Waiter: With pleasure.

Customer: …………………………………………… .

7- Customer: Waiter! This meal isn't fit for a

pig.

Waiter: …………………………………………… .

8- Customer: Waiter! This coffee tastes like

mud!

Waiter: …………………………………………… .

9- Customer: I wish to complain about this

food. Call the chef!

Waiter: …………………………………………… .

A- No, with mustard and ketchup, please.

B- I'm afraid he's gone out for lunch.

C- Well, it was ground only a few minutes ago.

D- I'll take it away and bring you something that

is, sir.

E- Well, it can't have been you, who took my

order.

F- Oh! I just moved the potato and there it was.

G- That's your soup, sir.

H- Then, bring me the winner!

I- Then, why aren't you laughing?

262 LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER

25-DOCTOR! DOCTOR!

Another classic type of joke in English involves

a two-line conversation between a patient and

a doctor. Do these exist in your language?

1- Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm getting

smaller.

Doctor: …………………………………………………… .

2- Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everybody keeps

ignoring me.

Doctor: …………………………………………………… .

3- Patient: Is it serious, doctor?

Doctor: Well .......................................

4- Doctor: Well, Mr. Smith, you seem to he

coughing much more easily this

morning.

Patient: …............................................

5- Doctor: Are the pills I gave you to improve

your memory helping you?

Patient: ..............................................

6- Doctor: I have to tell you that you are

seriously ill. Is there anything you

would like?

Patient: ..............................................

7- Patient: Doctor, please help me. I can't

stop telling lies.

Doctor: ..............................................

8- Doctor: I'm afraid the pain in your right

arm is just old age.

Patient: ..............................................

9- Patient: I feel like a pack of cards.

Doctor: .............................................

A- I wouldn't start watching any new television

serials.

B- I don't believe you.

C- Well, you'll just have to learn to be a little

patient.

D- Then why doesn't my left arm hurt? I've had

it just as long.

E- Take a seat and I'll deal with you later.

F- That's because I've been practicing all night.

G- Yes, a second opinion.

H- What pills?

I- Next please!

26-MAKING FUN OF TEACHERS!

Teachers who ask questions which students can

make fun of are the subject of these jokes. Do

your best to think of your OWN answer first.

1- Teacher: Did your sister help you with your

homework?

Student: No.......................

2- Teacher: George, name two pronouns in

English?

George: .......................

Teacher: Excellent! Well done.

3- Teacher: Elena, how do you spell wrong?

Elena: R O N G.

Teacher: .......................

Elena: That's what you asked for, wasn't

it?

4- Teacher: Klaus, can you tell me what the

plural of baby is?

Klaus: ......................

5- Teacher: Irma, what is the most popular

answer to questions asked by

teachers?

Irma: .......................

Teacher: Correct.

6- Teacher: [talking on the telephone) ... So

Gordon can't come to school

because he has a cold. Who am I

speaking to?

Voice: .......................

7- Teacher: First there was the Ice Age, then

the Stone Age. Paul what came

next?

Paul: .......................

8- Teacher: Laura. Say something beginning

with the letter I.

Laura: I is .......................

Teacher: No. No. No. You must say 'l am',

Laura: Okay then.......................

9- Teacher: If you add 376 and 478, and

divide the answer by 14 what do

you get?

Student: .......................

A- That's wrong.

B- I don't know.

C- I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

D- The sausage?

E- The wrong answer.

F- Twins?

G- She did all of it.

H- Who, me?

I- This is my father.

LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER 263

27-ALPHABET JOKES

Letters of the alphabet can also be words - Did

U C the length of the Q! These jokes depend on

this idea.

1- What letters of the alphabet are bad for your

teeth?

2- What occurs once in every minute, twice in

every moment but never in five hundred

thousand years?

3- Why should you never put the letter M in the

fridge?

4- What letters of the alphabet do athletes

need?

5- Why is the letter E lazy?

6- When were there only three vowels in the

alphabet?

7- What is the most unlucky letter in the alphabet?

8- What eight-letter word has only one letter in

it?

9- Why is an island like the letter T?

10- Why is the letter C like a magician?

A- N-R-G.

B- Before U and I were born,

C- Envelope

D- It can turn ash into cash,

E- D, K

F- It turns ice into mice.

G- It is always in the middle of water.

H- The letter M.

I- It is always in bed.

J- U because when there is trouble, you will

always find U in the middle of it.

28-ELEPHANT JOKES

Why do elephants paint their toe-nails pink?

So they can hide in cherry trees! This is the

classic schoolboy's elephant joke. This might help

you answer these questions!

1- How do you get four elephants in a car?

…………………………………………………………………

2- How can you tell that an elephant has been

in the refrigerator?

…………………………………………………………………

3- What time is it when an elephant sits on your

car?

…………………………………………………………………

4- What do you do if an elephant sneezes?

…………………………………………………………………

5- How do you stop an elephant going through

the eye of a needle?

…………………………………………………………………

6- How do you know if there is an elephant

under your bed?

…………………………………………………………………

7- Why is an elephant large, grey and wrinkled?

…………………………………………………………………

8- How does an elephant get down from a tree?

…………………………………………………………………

9- Why did the elephant decide to give up his

job with the circus?

…………………………………………………………………

10- Why can't two elephants go into the swimming

pool at the same time?

…………………………………………………………………

A- Get out of the way very quickly.

B- Because if it was small, white and

smooth it would be an aspirin.

C- They only have one pair of trunks

between them.

D- Time to buy a new one.

E- The ceiling is very close.

F- Two in the front and two in the back.

G- You can see its footprints in the butter.

H- Tie a knot in its tail.

I- It was tired of working for peanuts.

J- It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.

264 LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER

1-IDIOMS

1-E 2-A 3-C 4-F 5-I 6-D 7-G 8-B 9-H

2-PHRASAL VERBS

1-drop 2-see 3-fall 4-let 5-pick 6-step 7-drive 8-

put 9-hold

3-WORD PARTNERSHIPS

1-hopping 2-light 3-lame 4-clean 5-splitting 6-

smashing 7-grave 8-sweet 9-Filthy

4-PUNS

1-change 2-pretty ugly 3-poor 4-fork 5-present 6-

atmosphere 7-charge 8-Fine 9-merry can

5-HOMOPHONES

1-bean/been 2-bare/bear 3-rains/reins 4-

allowed/aloud 5-week/weak 6-stories/storeys 7-

pane/pain 8-read/red 9-bolder/bolder

6-UNUSUAL EXPRESSIONS

1-stretch 2-hugs 3-laps 4-stitch 5-spectacle 6-

pardon 7-knit 8-tear 9-lead

7-MISSING WORDS

1-stinking 2-shocking 3-warm 4-hair-raising 5-

sticky 6-bare-faced 7-striking 8-rare 9-broken

8-MOVING STRESS

1-D 2-F 3-I 4-E 5-H 6-A 7-G 8-C 9-B

9-MISUNDERSTANDINGS

1-F 2-E 3-D 4-H 5-B 6-A 7-I 8-C 9-G

10-PRESENT PERFECT JOKES

1-C 2-G 3-I 4-H 5-D 6-A 7-E 8-F 9-B

11-CONDITIONAL JOKES

1-E 2-G 3-F 4-I 5-C 6-H 7-D 8-A 9-B

12-COMPARATIVE JOKES

1-E 2-G 3-D 4-H 5-I 6-A 7-B 8-C 9-F

13-JOKES WITH SO........THAT

1-F 2-G 3-D 4-I 5-B 6-A 7-E 8-J 9-H 10-C

14-THE BEST WAY

1-G 2-D 3-H 4-F 5-J 6-I 7-B 8-A 9-E 10-C

15-MISUNDERSTANDING GRAMMAR

1-E 2-I 3-H 4-G 5-C 6-B 7-F 8-D 9-A

16-QUESTIONS WITH HOW

1-H 2-I 3-B 4-D 5-J 6-F 7-C 8-A 9-E 10-G

17-QUESTIONS WITH WHY

1-night 2-second hand 3-slip 4-beat/whip/batter

5-bright 6-scales 7-count 8-horns 9-single 10-

sleeping pills

18-ANY SUGGESTIONS?

1-D 2-G 3-E 4-H 5-I 6-F 7-A 8-C 9-B 10-J

19-WHAT'S THE CONTEXT?

1-H 2-F 3-B 4-D 5-A 6-C 7-E 8-G

20-INSULTING REMARKS

1-E 2-F 3-I 4-C 5-H 6-A 7-G 8-B 9-D

21-DEFINITIONS

1-adult 2-acquaintance 3-net 4-archeologist 5-

antique 6-advice 7-alarm clock 8-diplomat 9-

poverty

22-PARADOXICAL JOKES

1-a towel 2-a river 3-a book 4-a comb 5-your

word 6-a bottle 7-a tap 8-a stamp 9-a blackboard

23-WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

1-G 2-D 3-A 4-H 5-B 6-E 7-I 8-F 9-C

24-WAITER! WAITER!

1-F 2-G 3-I 4-E 5-H 6-A 7-D 8-C 9-B

25-DOCTOR! DOCTOR!

1-C 2-I 3-A 4-F 5-H 6-G 7-B 8-D 9-E

26-MAKING FUN OF TEACHERS!

1-G 2-H 3-A 4-F 5-B 6-I 7-D 8-C 9-E

27-ALPHABET JOKES

1-E 2-H 3-F 4-A 5-I 6-B 7-J 8-C 9-G 10-D

28-ELEPHANT JOKES

1-F 2-G 3-D 4-A 5-H 6-E 7-B 8-J 9-I 10-C