254 LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER
1-IDIOMS
Can you complete these jokes? Try first without
looking at the answers. Each answer depends
on a common English idiom. Do you understand
each one?
1- Why can't you play jokes on snakes?
2- When is an actor happy to become a thief?
3- "My mother made a terrible mistake today.
She gave my father soap flakes instead of
cornflakes for breakfast." "Was he angry?"
4- Two flies flew onto a coffee cup and argued
about who arrived first and who should get to
drink the cold coffee. Which one got angry
and left?
5- Why is it impossible to play tennis quietly?
6- How could you help a starving cannibal?
7- When does a patient find an operation funny?
8- Why did the tired man put his bed in the fireplace?
9- When are mosquitoes annoying?
A- When he steals the show.
B- He wanted to sleep like a log.
C- Only foaming at the mouth.
D- Give him a hand.
E- Because you can never pull their legs.
F- The one that flew off the handle.
G- When it leaves him in stitches.
H- When they get under your skin.
I- Because you can't play it without raising
a racket.
2-PHRASAL VERBS
Complete each joke with a verb. Try to do it
without looking at the list of verbs below. Each
verb makes up a phrasal verb. Underline them all.
see, put, drop, pick, hold, let, drive, fall, step
1- "Doctor, Doctor, I can't sleep at night,"
"Sleep on the edge of the bed and you'll
soon......off".
2- "Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?"
"Because you can always ...... through
them".
3- "Why do birds in a nest always agree?"
"Because they don't want to ...... out"
4- "When is a deep-sea diver disappointed with
his colleagues?"
"When they ...... him down."
5- "What training do you need to become a rubbish
collector?"
"None, you ...... it up as you go along."
6- "Waiter, I asked you to bring my order quickly
but why is the food on my plate all
squashed?"
"Well sir, when you ordered your food, you
did tell me to ......on it."
7 - "Why do taxi-drivers always go bankrupt?"
"Because they ...... their customers away."
8 - Witt: "Did you ...... the cat out, dear?"
Sarcastic Husband: "No. Was it on fire?"
9- "When are the traffic police strong?"
"When they ...... up cars with one hand"
3-WORD PARTNERSHIPS
Aword partnership - or collocation - is two or
more words which go together in a special way
- a golden opportunity. Complete the following
jokes with word partnerships.
clean, hopping, filthy, splitting, grave, sweet,
light, lame, smashing
1- "What does an angry kangaroo do?"
"It gets .......... mad.
2- "Doctor, when I go to bed I wake up every
thirty minutes."
"Are you a .......... sleeper?"
"No, I sleep in the dark."
3- "You're late for school again. What's your
excuse?"
"I sprained my ankle and I couldn't walk
properly, sir."
"That's a..........excuse."
4- "Why did the burglar take a shower?"
"He wanted to make a.........getaway."
5- "I've invented a new pill. Half of the pill is
aspirin and the other half is glue,"
"But who is it for?"
"People with.........headaches."
6- "What did the hooligan say after breaking all
the school windows?"
"I've had a..........time.
7- "Did you hear about the undertaker who
buried somebody in the wrong cemetery?
"He lost his job for making such a..........mistake."
8- "Why do you put lumps of sugar under your
pillow?"
"So that I will have.........dreams,"
9- "What do you call a millionaire who never
washes?"
".........rich."
LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER 255
4-PUNS
Apun is a play upon words - usually one word
with two meanings. For example, a mouse is
both an animal and something you use with a
computer. Complete these jokes with puns.
present, fork, fine, pretty ugly,charge
atmosphere, merry can, change, poor
1- "Have you noticed any.........in me?"
"No! Why?"
"I've just swallowed some coins accidentally."
2- "Some girls think I'm handsome and some
girls think I'm horrible. What do you think
Mary?"
"A hit of both........."
3- "You have to be rich to play golf."
"Then why are there so many.........players?"
4- "I think we've just had a puncture."
"How did it happen?"
"There was a..........in the road."
5- "Well son, how was your first day at the new
school?"
"Great! The teacher is going to give me a
gift."
"How do you know that?"
"Well, when I arrived, she pointed to a chair
in the corner and said, "Sit over there for
the..........."
6- "Why did the two astronauts decide to leave
the restaurant in the moon and return to one
on Earth?"
"They said it had no.........."
7- "I'm going to have to put you in a prison cell
for the night."
"What's the.........Officer?"
"Nothing. It's all part of the service!"
8- "Why did you park your car on the yellow
lines?"
"Because the sign says.........FOR PARKING."
9- "What do you call a happy tin in the USA?"
"A.........!"
5-HOMOPHONES
Homophones are two words which have the
same sound but different meanings. Complete
the following jokes. The humor depends on homophones
in each one.
read/red, stories/storeys, rains/reins,
bean/been, bolder/boulder, pane/pain,
bare/bear, allowed/aloud, week/weak
1- "Waiter, what do you call this?"
"It's..........soup, sir."
"I don't care what it's..........What is it now?"
2- "Have you ever hunted.......... ?"
"No, I always hunt with my clothes on."
3- "Why are black clouds like somebody riding a
horse?
"Because they both hold the .........."
4- "A teacher saw two boys fighting in the playground."
"Stop! You know the school rules - No fighting.........."
"But, sir, we weren't fighting..........We were
fighting quietly."
5- "What is the effect of seven days dieting?"
"They make one.........."
6- "Did you hear about the novelist who lived on
the ninth floor of a block of flats?"
"He dropped six.........into a wastepaper basket
and lived."
7- "How can I get rid of my headache?"
"Hit your head against a window and
the..........will disappear."
8- Fortune Teller: "Would you like your
palm........., sir?"
Man: "NO thanks, I like the color it is now."
9- "What did the small shy stone say?"
"I wish I was a little............."
6-UNUSUAL EXPRESSIONS
Some words with quite common meanings can
be used in word partnerships with meanings
which are difficult to guess. Complete the following
more unusual expressions.
spectacle, laps, tear, knit, stretch, leads,
pardon, hugs, stitch
1- "What happened to the thief who stole a kilometer
of elastic?"
"He was put in prison for a long . .........."
2- "When does a boat show its affection?"
"When it.........the shore."
3- "Did you hear about the cat that came first in
the milk-drinking competition?"
"It won by six........."
4- "What do you do if you split your sides laughing?"
"Run until you get a ......"
5- "Did you hear about the optician who fell into
his lens-grinding machine?"
"He made a ............of himself."
6- "What does a king do after he burps?"
"He issues a royal.........."
7- "How can broken bones be productive?"
"When they begin to.......... together."
8- "Why did the ant rush across the top of a
cereal packet?"
"Because it said '..........along the dotted line'
on the packet."
9- "Ten pedigree dogs have escaped from their
kennels and the police have been unable to
recapture them. They say they have
no.........and are appealing to the public for
help."
256 LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER
7-MISSING WORDS
All the missing words from these jokes make a
natural expression.
shocking, warm, sticky, striking, broken,
hair-raising, rare, bare-faced, stinking
1- A millionaire who doesn't wash is someone
who is ............. rich.
2- While repairing his television Mr. Smith
touched a live electric wire. When he recovered,
he described it as a..........experience.
3- A fireman always gets a.............. reception
wherever he goes.
4- It is a complete waste of time telling bald
men ...............stories.
5- The man who fell into a large tank of glue
came to a..................... end.
6- A politician had such a bad reputation for
being dishonest that he decided to grow a
beard so nobody could call him a..........liar.
7- "She is certainly a..........beauty! She
slapped me twice!"
8- My husband is a man of.................... gifts.
He hasn't given me a present for years.
9- "John!, I know that we have a large crack in
the living-room wall, but will you stop telling
people that you come from a..........home."
8-MOVING STRESS
All these jokes depend on how you say something
- a change in the stress of one or two
words - along the road and a long road.
1- "Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?"
"It had..........to go with."
2- "Have you ever seen a..........?"
"No. How does it hold the rod?"
3- "Why are fishmongers so mean?"
"Because their job makes them................."
4- "What did Mrs. Christmas say to Father
Christmas when a thunderstorm started?"
"Come and look at the........................."
5- Instructor:" Tomorrow you can fly..............."
Trainee pilot: "How low?"
6- A policeman was overtaking a car when he
was surprised to see an old lady knitting
while driving. He wound down his window
and shouted to her, "..........."
"No, a pair of socks! She replied."
7- First woman: "Men are all .....!"
Second woman; "Yes, men are all.....!"
8- "Why are travel-guides like handcuffs?"
"Because they are made for......"
9 "My uncle is an........"
"Is he?"
"Yes. He used to carry suitcases at the
Sheraton Hotel."
A- pull over / pullover
B- ex-porter / exporter
C- two wrists / tourists
D- no body / nobody
E- rain dear / reindeer
F- cat fish / catfish
G- alike / I like
H- so low / solo
I- sell fish / selfish
9-MISUNDERSTANDINGS
All the jokes on this page depend on a misunderstanding
which is caused by stressing or
pronouncing words in different ways.
1- "Can you telephone from an aero plane?"
"............................................."
2- "Teacher: "John, give me a sentence with
'centimeter' in it."
John:"............................................."
3- "What did the electrician's wife ask him when
he arrived home late?"
"............................................."
4- Teacher; "Mary, give me a sentence with
gruesome in it."
Mary: "......................................."
5- An Eskimo who had just finished building a
new igloo called his wife and asked her what
she thought of the new house.
"Oh," she said, "It's..........house."
6- Teacher: "George, give me a sentence with
'unaware' in it."
George:"..............................................."
7- Jim: "I've just had my appendix out"
John: "......................................."
Jim: No thanks, I don't smoke.
8- Teacher:" Sarah, give me a sentence with
fascinate in it"
Sarah: "....................................."
9- "Where does your mother come from?"
"....................................."
"Never mind, I'll ask her myself"
A- My underwear is the first thing I put on
in the morning.
B- an ice
C- I had ten buttons on my shirt but I lost
two, so now I can only fasten eight.
D- Wire you insulate?
E- When my aunt was arriving at the station
I was sent to meet her.
F - Sure, anybody can tell a phone from an
aero plane.
G- Alaska.
H- My dad grew some potatoes in the garden.
I- Will you have a scar?
LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER 257
10-PRESENT PERFECT JOKES
All the following jokes contain examples of the
Present Perfect. When you have agreed on the
missing line, go back and underline all uses of that
tense.
1- "Grocer, are these eggs fresh?"
".............................................."
2- How do we know that carrots are good for
the eyes?
".............................................."
3- "My doctor says I can't play tennis."
".............................................."
4- Dentist: "Calm down, I haven't touched your
tooth yet."
Patient:".............................................."
5- "I've been singing since I was three"
".............................................."
6- "I could marry anyone I please."
"Then why are you still single?"
".............................................."
7- I've received hundreds of replies to my
advertisement for a husband and they all say
the same thing."
"What's that?"
".............................................."
8- Dentist:" That's the biggest cavity I've ever
seen, the biggest cavity I've ever seen"
Patient: "Why are you repeating yourself?"
Dentist;".............................................."
9- This crossword is the most difficult one I've
ever done. I've been trying to think of one
word for two weeks.
".............................................."
A- I haven't pleased anyone yet.
B- How about 'fortnight'?
C- Well, the chickens haven't missed them
yet.
D- No wonder you've lost your voice.
E- Take mine!
F- I'm not - it was an echo.
G- Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing
glasses?
H- I know, but you're standing on my foot.
I- So he has played with you as well.
11-CONDITIONAL JOKES
All the following jokes contain examples of the
Conditional. When you have agreed on the
answers, go back and underline all the verbs in
the conditional clause.
1- "If we get engaged to be married, will you
give me a ring?"
"...................."
2- "If you found some money, would you keep
it?"
"No. I would...................."
3- Fish 1:"How did we end up in this fish shop?"
Fish 2:"Well,...................."
4- "If the baby wakes up during the night, who
gets up?"
"...................."
5- "If you dial 24112229234564563469592,
what will you get"
"...................."
6- "Darling, if the boat sank, who would you
save first, me or the children?"
"...................."
7- "If you fall out of that tree and break your
legs ....................."
8- "What would you do if you were in my
shoes?"
"...................."
9- Two birds were sitting on a branch of a tree
watching a jet plane pass high overhead.
"Look at the speed of that bird," said the
youngest bird.
"........................................." replied the
older bird.
A- Polish them.
B- If your tail was on fire, you would fly just
as fast,
C- A blister on your finger.
D- don't come running to me.
E- Sure. What's your phone number?
F- if we hadn't opened our mouths, we
wouldn't have been caught.
G- spend it.
H- Me.
I- The whole neighborhood.
258 LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER
12-COMPARATIVE JOKES
All the following jokes contain examples of comparatives.
When you have agreed on the
answers, go back and underline all examples of
comparatives and superlatives.
1- "Which burns longer - a black candle or a
white candle?"
"...................................."
2- "What are you going to do when you are as
big as your mother?"
"...................................."
3- "Who is the strongest criminal?"
"...................................."
4- "Have you heard that the most intelligent
person in the world is going deaf?"
"...................................."
5- "Why are wolves like playing cards?"
"...................................."
6- "What is worse than finding a worm in your
apple?"
"...................................."
7- Indecisive Customer: "I've changed my mind
again"
Irritated Shop Assistant:
"...................................."
8- "How do you know when you are middleaged?"
"...................................."
9- What is even harder than a diamond?"
"...................................."
A- Finding half a worm.
B- And is the new one working better than
the old one?
C- When the cake costs less than the candles.
D- A shoplifter.
E- Neither, they both burn shorter.
F- Paying for it!
G- Go on a diet.
H- Pardon?
I- They both come in packs.
13-JOKES WITH SO........THAT
All these jokes contain the structure so..... that.
What kind of words can follow so? How many
of these jokes can be- re-written using such
instead of so?
1- "My father has so many gold teeth that....."
2- "I was so big when I was born that........"
3- "In Spain the melons are so big that......."
4- "The people in my village talk so much
that......."
5- "The Megalith Hotel is so tall that.......".
6- "My sister is so thin that......."
7- "Dolphins are so clever that......."
8- "I have so many wrinkles on my forehead
that......."
9- "My hair is so wavy that................"
10- "The holiday resort was so dull that ......."
A- the ducks throw her bread when she
goes to the park.
B- to call reception from the top floor you
have to dial long distance.
C- the tide went out one day and never
came back.
D- you can hollow them out and use them
as houses.
E- they can train a man to stand on the
edge of their pool and throw them three
times a day.
F- he has to sleep with his head in a safe.
G- the doctor was afraid to slap me.
H- people get seasick looking at me.
I- they have to put sun cream on their
tongues when they go on holiday.
J- I have to screw my hat on.
14-THE BEST WAY
It is always too easy to look at the answers.
Make sure you try to think of your OWN answer
to each of these sentences first. Then compare
your answers with those given.
1- The best way to meet a new neighbor is........
2- The best way to cut your food bill in half
is........ .
3- The best way to get a seat on crowded buses
is........ .
4- The best way to turn people's heads is.........
5- The best way to catch a mouse is........ .
6- The best way to light a fire with two sticks
is........ .
7- The best way to make a cigarette lighter
is........ .
8- The best way to stop a cockerel crowing on a
Sunday is........ .
9- The best way to cover an old cushion is.....
10- The best way to communicate with a fish
is........ .
A- to cook it on Saturday.
B- to take the tobacco out.
C- to drop it a line.
D- to use a pair of scissors.
E- to sit on it.
F- to enter the theatre after the show has
begun.
G- to play loud music at 2 o'clock in the
morning.
H- to become a driver.
I- to make sure one of them is a match.
J- to get somebody to throw you one.
LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER 259
15-MISUNDERSTANDING
GRAMMAR
"We're having my mother for lunch." "Really,
we're having chicken". - They have the
same grammar, but the meanings are totally different.
These jokes depend on this idea.
1- "The police are looking for a man with one
eye called Wilson."
"........................................................."
2- "I've been waiting here for five minutes to
cross this road."
"Well, there's a zebra crossing further down
the road."
"........................................................."
3- Doctor: "You must take one of these pills
three times a day."
Patient:"..............................................."
4- "I had to get up early this morning to open
the door in my pyjamas"
"........................................................."
5- "William, run over and see how old Mrs.
Smith is." (William returns five minutes
later.) "She's annoyed, mum. She said
................................................."
6- "Did you know that deep breathing kills
germs?"
"........................................................."
7- "Did you wake up grumpy this morning?"
"........................................................."
8- "Your dog is chasing a man on a bicycle."
"........................................................."
9- "I've made the chicken soup."
"........................................................."
A- Oh good, I was afraid it was for us.
B- Yes, but how do you get them to breathe
deeply?
C- It is none of your business how old she
is.
D- Don't be stupid. My dog can't cycle.
E- What's the other eye called?
F- No, I just let him sleep late.
G- That's a strange place to have a door.
H- How on earth can I take it more than
once?
I- Well, I hope it is having better luck than
I'm having.
16-QUESTIONS WITH HOW
The answers to these questions are not the ones
you would expect. When you have agreed the
answers, discuss whether you can translate them
into your language.
1- "How can you divide seven potatoes equally
between four people?"
"........................................................."
2- "How long will the next bus be?"
"........................................................."
3- Inspector: "How many people work in this
office?"
Manager:"..........................................."
4- "How much does it cost to get married, dad?"
"........................................................."
5- "How can you double your money?"
"........................................................."
6- Headmaster:" How can we raise the level of
our students?"
Teacher; "............................................"
7- How can you make eleven an even number?
"........................................................."
8- "How do you stop fish from smelling?"
"........................................................."
9- "Well, Peter, how do you like school?"
"........................................................."
10- "How can you tell which end of a worm is its
head?"
"........................................................."
A- Cut off their noses.
B- About half of them.
C- Remove the first two letters.
D- I don't know. I'm still paying for it.
E- Closed.
F- We could use the upstairs classrooms.
G- Tickle it in the middle and wait until it
smiles.
H- Mash them.
I- About six meters.
J- Look at it in a mirror.
17-QUESTIONS WITH WHY
After you have filled in the gaps correctly, think
carefully about each answer. You may need a
dictionary to discover why each is funny.
horns, night, single, beat, sleeping pills, count,
second hand, whip, scales, slip, bright, batter
1- "Why are false teeth like stars?"
"Because they both come out at............"
2- "Why did the man with one hand cross the
road?"
"To get to the...........shop."
3- "Why is a banana like a jersey?"
"Because it's easy to......on."
4- "Why are cooks cruel?
"Because they.............eggs, ......... cream,
and............fish.
5- "Why do teachers at university wear sunglasses?"
"Because their students are very............."
6- "Why is it easy to weigh a fish as soon as you
catch it?"
"Because it has its own......................"
7- "Why is a pocket calculator reliable?"
"Because you can always ............ on it.
8- "Why do cows wear bells?"
"In case their ....................... don't work."
9- "Why is a room full of married people always
empty?"
"Because there isn't a.........person in it."
10- "Why did the nurse open the medicine cabinet
quietly?"
"Because she didn't want to wake up
the........"
260 LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER
18-ANY SUGGESTIONS?
Do your best not to look at the answers to this
lesson. Try to think of your OWN answers first,
agree on them in class, and then see how close or
far you were from the real ones!
1- Nobody ever complained about..............not
opening.
2- My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we........................
3- Someone has invented a new alarm clock for
actors. It doesn't ring, it........................
4- People with loud coughs never go to the doctor,
they go to.......................
5- Goldsmith's wife made him a millionaire.
Before she married him, he was a...............
6- The only time I have trouble with anxiety is
when I try to................................
7- I'm thinking of becoming a doctor. I have
the......... for it.
8- I was so surprised at.................. that I didn't
talk for a year.
9- I decided to sell my drums when I saw my
neighbor coming home with...............
10- Is another name for a funeral parlor
a..............lounge?
A- handwriting
B- a shotgun
C- my birth
D- a parachute
E- applauds
F- spell it
G- met
H- the cinema
I- billionaire
J- departure
19-WHAT'S THE CONTEXT?
Here are 8 sentences. What is the situation in
each? When you have decided that, match
them to the 8 situations below. Try first to guess
the situation before looking at the dialogues.
1- "Just a minute."
2- "Should someone he punished for something
they haven't done?"
3- "Have you seen her mother?"
4- "Do you know your house is on fire?"
5- "But I haven't done anything."
6- "Certainly not. It wouldn't be right."
7- "DOGS MUST BE CARRIED"
8- "No. I'm afraid I don't."
A- "I'm afraid that I have to tell you that you're
sacked."
"........................................................."
"That's why you've been fired."
B- Mr. Wilson, I'd like to ask for your permission
to marry your daughter"
"........................................................."
"Yes, but I prefer your daughter."
C- "Could you help me with my homework?"
"........................................................."
"Maybe not, but you could at least try!"
D- A man walked into a pub where a pianist was
playing and said,
"........................................................."
"No," said the pianist, "But if you hum it I'll
try to follow you."
E- "Late again. What's your excuse this time?"
"Sorry sir, but there was a notice on the bus
saying................... and I couldn't find one
anywhere."
F- Sir "...................................................."
"No, of course not."
"Good, because I haven't done my homework"
G- "Do you know the way to the post office?"
"........................................................."
"Well, go down this road and take the first
turning on the left,"
H- A man wanted to travel from London to Hong
Kong so he telephoned a travel agent to find
out how long the flight was,
"............................................." said the
agent.
"Thank you very much," said the man and
hung up.
20-INSULTING REMARKS
Some people are proud of being able to say
things which are very clever and at the same
time very insulting. All these jokes depend on this
idea.
1- "Will you love me when I'm old and ugly?"
"Of course,..........................................."
2- Singer: "Did you notice how my voice filled
the hall?"
Critic: "And did you notice ....................."
3- "I'm not myself tonight."
"Yes,.............................................."
4- Teacher: "What is wrong with saying I have
went'?"
Student: "............................................"
5- "You remind me of the sea."
"You mean, because I'm wild, reckless and
romantic?"
"........................................................."
6- Father: "Don't you think our son got his intelligence
from me?"
Mother; "He must have done .................."
7- "I'm thirty-eight and I don't look it, do I?"
"........................................................."
8- Very Fat Lady: "I would like to see a dress
that fits me."
Shop Assistant:"............................."
9- "I wish you and your rock group were on TV.
"So you think we are that good!"
"........................................................."
A- I've still got mine.
B- So would I.
C- You are still here.
D- No, because then I could switch you off.
E- I do,
F- how the audience left to make room for it?
G- but you used to.
H- No, because you make me sick.
I- I've noticed the improvement.
LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER 261
21-DEFINITIONS
First, look at the nine words below. Try to say
what they mean without using a dictionary.
Then match them to these definitions.
antique, archaeologist, adult, diplomat,
alarm clock, poverty, net, advice, acquaintance
1- A/an.......................... is somebody who
has stopped growing except around the
waist.
2- A/an ............ is somebody you know well
enough to borrow money from, but not well
enough to lend money to.
3- A/an ............ is a set of holes tied together
with string.
4- A/an ............ is somebody, whose career is
in ruins.
5- A/an ............ is something one generation
buys, the next generation gets rid of, and the
following generation buys again.
6- A piece of ............ is something everybody
gives but few take.
7- A/an ............ is a mechanical device for
waking up people who do not have children.
8- A/an ............ is somebody who thinks
twice before saying nothing.
9- ............ is the only thing money can't buy.
22-PARADOXICAL JOKES
Aparadox is when two things seem to contradict
each other - the comedian was so bad, he was
almost good! All these jokes contain a paradox
a stamp, a bottle, a tap, a towel, a blackboard,
a comb, your word, a book, a river
1- What gets wet as it dries?
2- What has a bed but does not sleep? It also
has a mouth but does not speak.
3- What can you look through but not see
through?
4- What has teeth but can't bite?
5- What can you give somebody and still keep?
6- What has a neck but no head?
7- What runs but has no legs?
8- What can travel round the world yet stay in
one corner?
9- What is black when it's clean and white when
it's dirty?
23-WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
This is another typical type of joke in English.
The answers always follow the same pattern
One..................., the other................
What is the difference between:
1- ...... a lazy student and a fisherman?
2- ...... doormat and a bottle of medicine?
3- ...... a hungry man and a greedy man?
4- ...... a clothes brush and an iceberg?
5- ...... a storm cloud and a child being
spanked?
6- ...... a farmer and a tailor?
7- ...... a night watchman and a butcher?
8- ...... a jeweler and a jailer?
9- ...... a tram driver and a teacher.
A- One longs to eat, the other eats too long.
B- One pours with rain, the other roars with
pain.
C- One minds the train, the other trains the
mind.
D- One is shaken up and taken; the other is
taken up and shaken.
E- One gathers what he sows; the other sews
what he gathers.
F- One sells watches, the other watches cells.
G- One hates his books, the other baits his
hooks.
H- One brushes coats, the other crushes boats.
I- One stays awake, the other weighs a steak.
24-WAITER! WAITER!
Jokes involving complaints to waiters in restaurants
are a classic kind of joke in English. Have
you heard any which start - Waiter! Waiter!
There's a fly in my soup.
1- Waiter: How did you find the steak, sir?
Customer: …………………………………………… .
2- Customer: Waiter! This plate is wet.
Waiter: …………………………………………… .
3- Customer: This soup tastes funny.
Waiter: …………………………………………… .
4- Customer: Waiter! How long have you been
working here?
Waiter: Six months, sir.
Customer: …………………………………………… .
5- Customer: Waiter! This lobster only has one
claw.
Waiter: I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a
fight.
Customer: …………………………………………… .
6- Customer: I'll have a hamburger, please.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: …………………………………………… .
7- Customer: Waiter! This meal isn't fit for a
pig.
Waiter: …………………………………………… .
8- Customer: Waiter! This coffee tastes like
mud!
Waiter: …………………………………………… .
9- Customer: I wish to complain about this
food. Call the chef!
Waiter: …………………………………………… .
A- No, with mustard and ketchup, please.
B- I'm afraid he's gone out for lunch.
C- Well, it was ground only a few minutes ago.
D- I'll take it away and bring you something that
is, sir.
E- Well, it can't have been you, who took my
order.
F- Oh! I just moved the potato and there it was.
G- That's your soup, sir.
H- Then, bring me the winner!
I- Then, why aren't you laughing?
262 LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER
25-DOCTOR! DOCTOR!
Another classic type of joke in English involves
a two-line conversation between a patient and
a doctor. Do these exist in your language?
1- Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm getting
smaller.
Doctor: …………………………………………………… .
2- Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everybody keeps
ignoring me.
Doctor: …………………………………………………… .
3- Patient: Is it serious, doctor?
Doctor: Well .......................................
4- Doctor: Well, Mr. Smith, you seem to he
coughing much more easily this
morning.
Patient: …............................................
5- Doctor: Are the pills I gave you to improve
your memory helping you?
Patient: ..............................................
6- Doctor: I have to tell you that you are
seriously ill. Is there anything you
would like?
Patient: ..............................................
7- Patient: Doctor, please help me. I can't
stop telling lies.
Doctor: ..............................................
8- Doctor: I'm afraid the pain in your right
arm is just old age.
Patient: ..............................................
9- Patient: I feel like a pack of cards.
Doctor: .............................................
A- I wouldn't start watching any new television
serials.
B- I don't believe you.
C- Well, you'll just have to learn to be a little
patient.
D- Then why doesn't my left arm hurt? I've had
it just as long.
E- Take a seat and I'll deal with you later.
F- That's because I've been practicing all night.
G- Yes, a second opinion.
H- What pills?
I- Next please!
26-MAKING FUN OF TEACHERS!
Teachers who ask questions which students can
make fun of are the subject of these jokes. Do
your best to think of your OWN answer first.
1- Teacher: Did your sister help you with your
homework?
Student: No.......................
2- Teacher: George, name two pronouns in
English?
George: .......................
Teacher: Excellent! Well done.
3- Teacher: Elena, how do you spell wrong?
Elena: R O N G.
Teacher: .......................
Elena: That's what you asked for, wasn't
it?
4- Teacher: Klaus, can you tell me what the
plural of baby is?
Klaus: ......................
5- Teacher: Irma, what is the most popular
answer to questions asked by
teachers?
Irma: .......................
Teacher: Correct.
6- Teacher: [talking on the telephone) ... So
Gordon can't come to school
because he has a cold. Who am I
speaking to?
Voice: .......................
7- Teacher: First there was the Ice Age, then
the Stone Age. Paul what came
next?
Paul: .......................
8- Teacher: Laura. Say something beginning
with the letter I.
Laura: I is .......................
Teacher: No. No. No. You must say 'l am',
Laura: Okay then.......................
9- Teacher: If you add 376 and 478, and
divide the answer by 14 what do
you get?
Student: .......................
A- That's wrong.
B- I don't know.
C- I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
D- The sausage?
E- The wrong answer.
F- Twins?
G- She did all of it.
H- Who, me?
I- This is my father.
LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER 263
27-ALPHABET JOKES
Letters of the alphabet can also be words - Did
U C the length of the Q! These jokes depend on
this idea.
1- What letters of the alphabet are bad for your
teeth?
2- What occurs once in every minute, twice in
every moment but never in five hundred
thousand years?
3- Why should you never put the letter M in the
fridge?
4- What letters of the alphabet do athletes
need?
5- Why is the letter E lazy?
6- When were there only three vowels in the
alphabet?
7- What is the most unlucky letter in the alphabet?
8- What eight-letter word has only one letter in
it?
9- Why is an island like the letter T?
10- Why is the letter C like a magician?
A- N-R-G.
B- Before U and I were born,
C- Envelope
D- It can turn ash into cash,
E- D, K
F- It turns ice into mice.
G- It is always in the middle of water.
H- The letter M.
I- It is always in bed.
J- U because when there is trouble, you will
always find U in the middle of it.
28-ELEPHANT JOKES
Why do elephants paint their toe-nails pink?
So they can hide in cherry trees! This is the
classic schoolboy's elephant joke. This might help
you answer these questions!
1- How do you get four elephants in a car?
…………………………………………………………………
2- How can you tell that an elephant has been
in the refrigerator?
…………………………………………………………………
3- What time is it when an elephant sits on your
car?
…………………………………………………………………
4- What do you do if an elephant sneezes?
…………………………………………………………………
5- How do you stop an elephant going through
the eye of a needle?
…………………………………………………………………
6- How do you know if there is an elephant
under your bed?
…………………………………………………………………
7- Why is an elephant large, grey and wrinkled?
…………………………………………………………………
8- How does an elephant get down from a tree?
…………………………………………………………………
9- Why did the elephant decide to give up his
job with the circus?
…………………………………………………………………
10- Why can't two elephants go into the swimming
pool at the same time?
…………………………………………………………………
A- Get out of the way very quickly.
B- Because if it was small, white and
smooth it would be an aspirin.
C- They only have one pair of trunks
between them.
D- Time to buy a new one.
E- The ceiling is very close.
F- Two in the front and two in the back.
G- You can see its footprints in the butter.
H- Tie a knot in its tail.
I- It was tired of working for peanuts.
J- It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.
264 LESSONS WIITH LAUGHTER
1-IDIOMS
1-E 2-A 3-C 4-F 5-I 6-D 7-G 8-B 9-H
2-PHRASAL VERBS
1-drop 2-see 3-fall 4-let 5-pick 6-step 7-drive 8-
put 9-hold
3-WORD PARTNERSHIPS
1-hopping 2-light 3-lame 4-clean 5-splitting 6-
smashing 7-grave 8-sweet 9-Filthy
4-PUNS
1-change 2-pretty ugly 3-poor 4-fork 5-present 6-
atmosphere 7-charge 8-Fine 9-merry can
5-HOMOPHONES
1-bean/been 2-bare/bear 3-rains/reins 4-
allowed/aloud 5-week/weak 6-stories/storeys 7-
pane/pain 8-read/red 9-bolder/bolder
6-UNUSUAL EXPRESSIONS
1-stretch 2-hugs 3-laps 4-stitch 5-spectacle 6-
pardon 7-knit 8-tear 9-lead
7-MISSING WORDS
1-stinking 2-shocking 3-warm 4-hair-raising 5-
sticky 6-bare-faced 7-striking 8-rare 9-broken
8-MOVING STRESS
1-D 2-F 3-I 4-E 5-H 6-A 7-G 8-C 9-B
9-MISUNDERSTANDINGS
1-F 2-E 3-D 4-H 5-B 6-A 7-I 8-C 9-G
10-PRESENT PERFECT JOKES
1-C 2-G 3-I 4-H 5-D 6-A 7-E 8-F 9-B
11-CONDITIONAL JOKES
1-E 2-G 3-F 4-I 5-C 6-H 7-D 8-A 9-B
12-COMPARATIVE JOKES
1-E 2-G 3-D 4-H 5-I 6-A 7-B 8-C 9-F
13-JOKES WITH SO........THAT
1-F 2-G 3-D 4-I 5-B 6-A 7-E 8-J 9-H 10-C
14-THE BEST WAY
1-G 2-D 3-H 4-F 5-J 6-I 7-B 8-A 9-E 10-C
15-MISUNDERSTANDING GRAMMAR
1-E 2-I 3-H 4-G 5-C 6-B 7-F 8-D 9-A
16-QUESTIONS WITH HOW
1-H 2-I 3-B 4-D 5-J 6-F 7-C 8-A 9-E 10-G
17-QUESTIONS WITH WHY
1-night 2-second hand 3-slip 4-beat/whip/batter
5-bright 6-scales 7-count 8-horns 9-single 10-
sleeping pills
18-ANY SUGGESTIONS?
1-D 2-G 3-E 4-H 5-I 6-F 7-A 8-C 9-B 10-J
19-WHAT'S THE CONTEXT?
1-H 2-F 3-B 4-D 5-A 6-C 7-E 8-G
20-INSULTING REMARKS
1-E 2-F 3-I 4-C 5-H 6-A 7-G 8-B 9-D
21-DEFINITIONS
1-adult 2-acquaintance 3-net 4-archeologist 5-
antique 6-advice 7-alarm clock 8-diplomat 9-
poverty
22-PARADOXICAL JOKES
1-a towel 2-a river 3-a book 4-a comb 5-your
word 6-a bottle 7-a tap 8-a stamp 9-a blackboard
23-WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
1-G 2-D 3-A 4-H 5-B 6-E 7-I 8-F 9-C
24-WAITER! WAITER!
1-F 2-G 3-I 4-E 5-H 6-A 7-D 8-C 9-B
25-DOCTOR! DOCTOR!
1-C 2-I 3-A 4-F 5-H 6-G 7-B 8-D 9-E
26-MAKING FUN OF TEACHERS!
1-G 2-H 3-A 4-F 5-B 6-I 7-D 8-C 9-E
27-ALPHABET JOKES
1-E 2-H 3-F 4-A 5-I 6-B 7-J 8-C 9-G 10-D
28-ELEPHANT JOKES
1-F 2-G 3-D 4-A 5-H 6-E 7-B 8-J 9-I 10-C
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