Sketches

74 SKETCHES

The ticket inspector: . . . . . . . . . .76

Tea break: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .77

The King of Boonland: . . . . . . . . .78

The restaurant: . . . . . . . . . . . . . .80

The doctor: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .82

Gussett and Rose: . . . . . . . . . . . .84

Hotel Splendido: . . . . . . . . . . . . .85

The passport office: . . . . . . . . . . .86

Fire practice: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .88

The post office: . . . . . . . . . . . . .90

Mr. Jones: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .92

The shoe stall: . . . . . . . . . . . . . .94

The check-in desk: . . . . . . . . . . .96

The police: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .98

The bus stop: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .100

A ticket to Birmingham: . . . . . . . .102

SKETCHES 75

Gerry Thatcher's party: . . . . . . . .104

The army: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .106

The dentist: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .108

Mr. Williams and the postman: . . .110

Tourist information: . . . . . . . . . . .112

The bank: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .114

The Superlative vacuum cleaner: . .116

Superman and the psychiatrist: . . .118

The lost property office: . . . . . . . .120

The travel agency: . . . . . . . . . . .122

Gerry Brown's driving test: . . . . . .124

Giovanni 's café: . . . . . . . . . . . . .126

Shakespeare's house: . . . . . . . . .128

Mr. Universe: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .130

The new James Bond film: . . . . . .132

World record: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .134

76 SKETCHES

The ticket inspector

Scene : A compartment on a train

Characters: A passenger on a train, a

ticket inspector,a steward and

a waiter

The passenger is sitting in a compartment on

a train. He is reading a newspaper. The steward

opens the door.

Steward: Coffee!

Passenger: No. thanks.

(The passenger closes the

door, and continues reading.

The waiter opens the door.)

Waiter: Seats for dinner!

Passenger: No, thanks.

(The passenger closes the

door again, and continues

reading. The ticket inspector

opens the door.)

Inspector: Tickets!

Passenger: No, thanks.

Inspector: Pardon?

Passenger: I don't want a ticket, thank

you.

Inspector: I'm not selling tickets, sir.

Passenger: No?

Inspector: No, I want to see your ticket.

Passenger: Oh, I haven't got a ticket.

Inspector: You haven't got a ticket?

Passenger: No. I never buy a ticket.

Inspector: Why not?

Passenger: Well, they are very expensive,

you know.

Inspector: Sir, you're travelling on a train.

When people travel on a train,

they always buy a ticket.

Passenger: Er

Inspector: And this is a first-class compartment.

Passenger: Yes, it is very nice, isn't it?

Inspector: No, sir. I mean: This is a firstclass

compartment. When

people travel in a first-class

compartment, they always buy

a first-class ticket.

(They look at each other for a

moment.)

Passenger: No, they don't.

Inspector: What?

Passenger: A lot of people don't buy tickets.

The Queen doesn't buy a

ticket, does she' Eh? Eh?

Inspector: No, sir, but she's a famous

person.

Passenger: And what about you? Where's

yours?

Inspector: Mine?

Passenger: Yes, yours. Your ticket. Have

you got a ticket?

Inspector: Me, sir?

Passenger: Yes, you.

Inspector: No, I haven't got a ticket.

Passenger: Ooh, are you a famous person?

Inspector: (Flattered) Famous? Well, not

very (Back to normal) Sir, I

am a ticket inspector. I inspect

tickets. Are you going to show

me your ticket?

Passenger: No, I haven't got a ticket.

Inspector see.

(The ticket inspector puts his

hand into his pocket.)

Passenger: 'What are you going to do?

Inspector: I'm going to write your name

in my book.

Passenger: Oh

Inspector: What is your name, sir?

Passenger: Mickey Mouse,

(The inspector begins to

write.)

Inspector: Mickey

Passenger: Mouse. M-O-U-S-E.

(The inspector stops writing.)

Inspector: Your name, sir?

Passenger: Karl Marx? William

Shakespeare? Charles

Dickens?

Inspector: I see, sir. Well, if you're not

going to tell me your name,

please leave the train,

Passenger: Pardon?

Inspector: Leave the train.

Passenger: I can't.

Inspector: You can't what?

Passenger: I can't leave the train.

Inspector: Why not?

Passenger: It's moving,

Inspector: Not now, sir. At the next station.

Passenger: Oh.

Inspector: It's in the book, sir. When you

travel by train, you buy a ticket,

and if you don't buy a ticket,

you

Passenger-Inspector: leave the train.

Inspector: Here we are, sir. We're coming

to a station. Please leave the

train now.

Passenger: Now?

Inspector: Yes, sir. I'm sorry, but

Passenger: Oh, that's OK.

Inspector: it's in the book, and what did

you say?

Passenger: I said: That's OK.'

Inspector: OK?

Passenger: Yes, this is my station.

Goodbye.

(The passenger leaves the

train.)

􀂄

SKETCHES 77

Tea break

Scene: A rehearsal room in a theatre

Characters: Five actors taking a tea break:

Tom, Jerry, Jane, Martin, Sara

Jerry: All right. That's enough. It's time for

a cup of tea.

Tom: Oh, good, A cup of tea. I can't wait.

(Jerry, Jane, Martin and Sara sit

down, there is no chair for Tom)

Jane: OK, Tom, make the tea

Tom: Me

Sara: Yes, make the tea.

Tom: Make the tea? Me?

Jane: Why not?

Tom: All right. What do I have to do? I

mean, how do you make tea?

Jerry: Huh! He doesn't know how to make

tea!

Tom: OK, Jerry. How do you make tea?

Jerry: Er...I don't know.

(The others laugh)

Martin: Listen, Tom - it's easy. Put some

water in the kettle.

Sara: Put the kettle on the stove.

Jane: Light a match.

Martin: Turn on the gas.

Sara: And light the gas.

Jane: Then put some tea in the teapot -

Tom: It sounds a bit complicated.

Jane: Oh, come on! It's easy!

Martin: Listen, Tom. You don't have to make

the tea.

Tom: Oh, good.

Martin: You can get some from the cafe.

Tom: Oh. OK. See you later.

(Tom goes towards the door.)

Jerry: Wait a minute!

Tom: What?

Jane: You don't know what we want yet.

Tom: Oh, yes. Sorry. What do you all

want? Sara?

Sara: I'd like a cup of tea - with no milk

and no sugar.

Tom: One tea - no milk, no sugar. Jane?

Jane: I'd like a cup of tea - with lots of milk

and no sugar.

Tom: Lots of milk - no tea Right.

Jane: No sugar!

Tom: No sugar. Right. Jerry?

Jerry: I'd like a lemon tea and a big cream

cake.

Tom: A lemon cake and a cream tea.

Jerry: Careful!

Tom: What do you want, Martin?

Martin: A whisky and soda.

Tom: With milk and sugar?

Martin: Of course.

(Tom wants to check the orders.)

Tom: OK. Let me get this right. Sara, you

want a cup of tea, with no milk and

no sugar.

Sara: Yes. Oh...No. On second thoughts, I

think I'd prefer coffee.

Tom: Coffee.

Sara: Yes, a cup of coffee - with milk and

sugar.

Tom: Right. So - it's one coffee with milk

and sugar, and one tea with milk and

sugar.

Jane: No sugar!

Tom: No sugar. Right. Jerry, you want a

lemon tea and a big cream cake.

Jerry: That's right.

Tom: And Martin - you want a whisky and

soda.

Martin: With milk and sugar.

Tom: With milk and sugar. Right. OK. See

you in a minute.

(Tom leaves. Very soon, he comes back.)

Tom: Right, Here you are. One coffee and

soda, one whisky and cream, one

lemon and milk, and one big sugar

cake. All right?

Jane: Martin?

Martin: Yes?

Jane: Go and make some tea.

􀂄

78 SKETCHES

The King of Boonland

Scene: In front of Buckingham Palace

Characters: A guard, a sergeant, the King

of Boonland

The guard and the sergeant march to the

sentry-box.

Sergeant: Quick march! Left, right, left,

right, left, right, left, right!

Halt!... Right turn!. Bradshaw!

Guard: Sir!

Sergeant: You are guarding Buckingham

Palace.

Guard: Yes, sir!

Sergeant: Don't forget!

Guard: No, sir!

(The sergeant leaves. The guard

stands silently. The King of Boonland

comes up to the guard.)

King: Good morning...Hello!...Nice day,

isn't it?...Do you speak English?...

Sprechen Sie espanol?.I think he's

deaf. Oh, well...

(The King starts to go into the

Palace.)

Guard: Oh

King: Oh! He can talk!

Guard: Where are you going?

King: I'm going into Buckingham Palace.

Guard: Stand there!

King: I don't want to stand there. I want to

go in there.

Guard: Stand there!!

King: Oh, all right,

Guard: Who do you think you are?

King: I'm Fred, King of Boonland.

Guard: Well, listen to me, Fred King -

King: No, no, my name isn't Fred King. I

am King Fred.

Guard: Are you trying to tell me that you

are a real king?

King: Yes. I am the King of Boonland

Guard: Boonland?

King: Yes

Guard: And where exactly is Boonland?

King: Huh! You don't know where

Boonland is?

Guard: No.

King: Oh. OK, look at my map...

(The King finds his map.)

King: Yes, here we are. Now, this is a map

of the world.

Guard: Yes.

King: And Boonland is here.

Guard: That is the Atlantic Ocean.

King: Yes - and Boonland is in the middle.

Guard: What? In the middle of the Atlantic?

King: Yes.

Guard: I don't believe you.

King: Eh?

Guard: I think you are trying to get into

Buckingham Palace.

King: That's right. I am.

Guard: Well, you can't.

King: Yes, I can. Wait a minute - I can

prove I'm the King of Boonland.

Look!

Guard: It's a five-pound note.

King: No, it's not five pounds.

Guard: Isn't it?

King: No, it's five boonos.

Guard: Five boonos?

King: Yes.

(The guard looks at the note.)

Guard: Oh, yes! Five boonos. So this is the

money you use in Boonland.

King: Yes, it is.

Guard: How many boonos are there in a

pound?

King: Half a million.

Guard: Half a million?

King: Yes, and there are one hundred

boonitos in a boono.

Guard: Now, listen to me -

King: Ah! I can prove I'm the King of

Boonland. There's a picture of me on

the one-boonito coin. Um...Have you

got change for ten boonitos?

Guard: No, I haven't!

King: Oh. It's all right. Look - one boonito

coin, with a picture of me on it.

Guard: Oh, yes. A picture of you. (The King

nods.)

Guard: Tell me - why do you want to go into

the Palace?

King: I am here to bring the Queen the

good wishes of the people of

Boonland.

Guard: The good wishes of the people of

Boonland?

King: Yes.

Guard: How many people are there in

Boonland?

King: Well, there's me, and my mother,

and -

Guard: No, No! All together! What's the

population of Boonland?

SKETCHES 79

King: Ah - well, there are the people in the

capital -

Guard: In the capital?

King: Yes, Boonland City. And there are

the people who live in the mountains

- we call them 'the mountain people'.

Guard: Very clever.

King: And there are the people who live in

the lake,

Guard: In the lake?!

King: Yes

Guard: What do you call them?

King: Stupid.

(They laugh.)

Guard: So, there are the people in the capital

-

King: Boonland City.

Guard: And the people who live in the

mountains -

King: The mountain people.

Guard: And the people who live in the lake.

King: The idiots.

Guard: How many is that all together?

King: Um. ..Fourteen.

Guard: Fourteen?!

King: Yes. And we want to give the Queen

a special Boonese present,

Guard: A special present from Boonland?

King: Yes - here it is!

(The King takes a banana from his

bag.)

Guard: But that's a banana.

King: I know.

Guard: What's so special about a banana?

King: It isn't an ordinary banana.

Guard: Isn't it?

King: No. Put it in your ear.

Guard: What?!

King: Put the banana in your ear.

Guard: Why?

King: Just put the banana in your ear!

Guard: All right.

(The guard puts the banana in his

ear.)

King: Can you hear anything?

Guard: Oh, yes!

King: What does it sound like?

Guard: It sounds like an elephant with

toothache.

King: What?! That is the National Song of

Boonland. (He sings) Oh, Boonland!

Guard: Oh!

King: It's all right - I'm speaking Boonese.

*/!* is a word in Boonese.

Guard: And what exactly does */!* mean?

King: It means 'land of sunshine and

bananas'

(The King sneezes.)

Guard: What does that mean?

King: It means I've got a bad cold. Now

give me the banana, because I don't

want to be late for tea with the

Queen.

Guard: Oh, right, sir. Here you are, sir.

(The guard gives back the banana.)

King: Thank you very much. Oh, this is for

you.

Guard: What is it?

King: Half a million boonos.

Guard: Half a million boonos?!

King: Yes. Go and buy yourself a cup of tea

􀂄

80 SKETCHES

The restaurant

Scene: The customers' home in

London, and then a restaurant

in London

Characters: Customer A, Customer B, the

manager of the restaurant

Manfred Schmidt, a Spanish

guitarist

A and B are at home.

Customer A: Let's go to a restaurant

tonight.

Customer B: OK.

Customer A: Somewhere different.

Customer B: All right. Let's have a look in

the newspaper.(B opens the

newspaper.)

Customer B: Er... Cinemas... Theatres...

Restaurants. Ooh, this sounds

nice. (Reading) 'London's

newest restaurant. The

Trattoria Romantica'

Customer A: It sounds good.

Customer B: The Trattoria Romantica. The

best French restaurant in

London.

Customer A: French?

Customer B: Yes.

Customer A: 'Trattoria Romantica sounds

Italian.

Customer B: It says French here.

Customer A: What else does it say?

Customer B: 'Open every evening -'

Customer A: Good.

Customer B: 'from 7.30 to 7.45.'

Customer A: What? Fifteen minutes?

Customer B: It must be a mistake.

Customer A: I hope so. Anything else?

Customer B: Yes. 'Music every evening -'

Customer A: Good.

Customer B: ' from our Spanish guitarist '

Customer A: Spanish guitarist?

Customer B: 'Manfred Schmidt.'

Customer A: Manfred Schmidt?!

Customer B: Yes. Oh, and there's a picture

of the manager.

Customer A: What's his name?

Customer B: Stavros Papadopoulos.

Customer A: Stavros Papadopoulos?

Customer B: Yes.

Customer A: But that's a Greek name.

Customer B: Yes.

Customer A: So it's an Italian restaurant,

serving French food...The

Spanish guitarist has got a

German name...And the manager's

Greek.

Customer B: That's right. It sounds very

international. Let's try it.

Customer A: All right,

(Later, They arrive at the

restaurant.)

Customer B: Well, here we are - the

Trattoria Romantica.

Customer A: There's no one here, (Calling)

Hello?

(The manager appears. He is

not very friendly.)

Manager: Yes?

Customer A: Oh, good evening. Is this the

Trattoria Romantica!

Manager: I don't know. I only work here,

Customer A: Pardon?

Manager: Yes, yes, yes. This is the

Trattoria Romantica, but we're

closed for lunch.

Customer B: Closed for lunch? But it's nine

o'clock.

Manager: Ah. In that case, we're closed

for breakfast.

Customer B: It's nine o'clock in the evening.

Manager: (Friendly) Yes, of course it is.

Just a little joke. Allow me to

introduce myself. I am Stavros

Papadopoulos, the manager of

the Trattoria Romantica. What

can I do for you?

Customer B: We'd like a table for two,

please.

Manager: Have you got a reservation?

Customer B: Er...No.

Manager: Ah. That's a problem.

Customer A: But the restaurant is empty,

Manager: Is it? Oh, yes. Er.. .a table for

two...

(He looks around the restaurant.)

Manager: Yes, Here you are a lovely

table for two.

Customer A: Thank you.

(A and B sit down at the

table.)

Manager: Is everything all right?

Customer B: Yes, thank you.

Manager: Good. That's £12.50, please.

Customer B: What?

Manager: £12.50.

Customer A: What for?

Manager: For the chairs.

Customer A: The chairs?!

Manager: Yes, £6.25 each

Customer B: There must be some mistake.

Manager: Oh, sorry, £6.30. That's

£12,60 altogether. And of

course £37 for the table,

Customer B: £37 for the table?!

Manager: That's…er...£49.60 altogether.

Customer A: Look here.

SKETCHES 81

Manager: Service not included.

Customer B: Service?!

Manager: Would you like to pay separately

or together?

Customer A: Look - we don't want the table

or the chairs.

Manager: Oh, you want to sit on the

floor,

Customer B: No, we don't want to take

them away,

Manager: That's good. We don't have a

take-away service.

Customer B: We want to sit here and eat

something.

Manager: Eat something?

Customer B: Yes

Manager: Ah.

Customer B: Can we see the menu, please?

Manager: Er...yes. There you are.

(He gives them a very small

menu.)

Customer A: It's a very small menu.

Manager: It's a very small restaurant.

Now, what would you like?

Customer B: (Looking at the menu) let's

see, (Reading) 'Egg and chips.

Double egg and chips, Double

egg and double chips.'

Customer A: Um... Isn't this a French

restaurant'

Manager: Oh, yes. Sorry. Give me the

menu.

(The manager takes the

menu)

Manager: Thank you. Have you got a

pencil?

Customer B: Here you are

(B gives the manager a pencil.)

Manager: Thank you.

(He writes on the menu.)

Manager: There is a French menu.

(He gives the menu back to B.)

Customer B: (Reading) 'Oeuf et pommes

frites. Deux oeufs et pommes

frites. Deux oeufs et deux

pommes frites.'

(B puts the menu on the

table.)

Customer A: What if you don't like eggs?

Manager: Have the chips.

Customer B: What if you don't like chips?

Manager: Have the eggs.

Customer A: What if you don't like eggs or

chips?

Manager: Have a sandwich.

Customer B: A sandwich?

Manager: Yes, I've got one here in my

pocket

(He puts a sandwich on the

table.)

Customer B: Thank you. Er...what's in this

sandwich?

Manager: Sand.

Customer A- Customer B: Sand?!

Manager: Yes, sand. That's why it's

called a sandwich - because of

the sand which is inside it.

Customer A: (To B) Come on, let's go.

Manager: What's the matter? You're not

going already, are you?

Customer B: Yes.

Manager: Why?

Customer A: Because this must be the

worst restaurant in London.

Manager: No, it isn't.

Customer B: Isn't it?

Manager: No. I've got another one round

the corner. It's much worse'

than this one. Anyway, people

don't come here for the food.

Customer A: I'm not surprised.

Manager: No, they come here for the

music.

Customer B: The music?

Manager: Yes. Allow me to present

Manfred Schmidt and his

Spanish guitar.

(Manfred comes in with his

guitar.)

Manfred Ole! Guten Abend,

meine Damen und Herren

Customer A: Stavros?

Manager: Yes?

Customer A: What can Manfred play?

Manager: Anything you like.

Customer A: Really?

Manager: Yes, anything at all,

Customer A: Good. Tell him to play football.

Manager: Football? What do you mean?

Customer A: We're leaving. Goodbye,

Manager: Oh, goodbye. Do come again.

Don't forget, to tell your

friends!

(A and B leave the restaurant.)

Manager: That's the trouble with English

people, Manfred.

Manfred: What's that, Stavros?

Manager: They don't know a good

restaurant when they see one.

􀂄

82 SKETCHES

The doctor

Scene: A doctor's consulting-room

Characters: The doctor, a student-doctor, a

patient

The doctor is sitting at his desk. The telephone

rings, the student-doctor is calling.

Doctor: Hello?

Student: Doctor Watson?

Doctor: Yes?

Student: My name's Smith.

Doctor: What's the matter with you?

Student: Nothing, doctor. I'm fine,

Doctor: Really? In that case, why are you

calling?

Student: Well, I'm a doctor.

Doctor: You're a doctor?

Student: Actually, I'm a student-doctor.

Doctor: You're a student?

Student: Doctor.

Doctor: Yes?

Student: Er... I'm a student-doctor.

Doctor: Ah! A student-doctor!

Student: Yes, I'm studying to be a doctor,

doctor.

Doctor: A doctor-doctor? What's a doctordoctor?

Student: Well, you're a doctor, doctor.

Doctor: Am I?

Student: Yes, and I'd like to come and watch

you working.

Doctor: Fine. Come any time. Goodbye

(The doctor puts the telephone

down. There is a knock at the

door.)

Doctor: Come in!

(The patient enters. He has one

arm in a sling.)

Patient: Good morning, doctor.

Doctor: (To the patient) Ah, you must be

the student-doctor.

Patient: Pardon?

Doctor: Student-doctor.

Patient: Student-doctor? No. actually. I'm -

Doctor: Sit down.

(The patient sits down)

Doctor: Now, you want to watch me working.

Patient: Er...No, actually, I'm not a -

(There is another knock at the

door.)

Doctor: Ah, That'll be my first patient.

Come in!

(The student-doctor comes in.)

Student: Good morning, doctor,

Doctor: Good morning (To the studentdoctor,

indicating the patient) This

is a student-doctor. He's come to

watch me working, (To the patient,

indicating the student-doctor) This

is a patient, I'm going to ask her a

few questions,

Student: Doctor?

Doctor: Yes?

Student: I'm a student-doctor,

Doctor: Really?

Student: Yes

Doctor: (To the patient, indicating the student-

doctor) she's a student-doctor,

like you

Patient: I'm not a student-doctor,

Doctor: You're not a student?

Patient: Yes?

Student: I think he's a patient, doctor.

Doctor: A patient doctor? That's marvelous!

Patient doctors are the

best kind.

Student: No! I'm a student-doctor - he's a

patient.

Doctor: I'm a student-doctor - he's a

patient.

Patient: No! I'm a patient - you're a doctor.

Doctor: I'm a patient - you're a doctor,

Patient-Student: No!!

Student: You're a doctor- he's a patient!

Doctor: You're a doctor, he's a patient!

Patient- Student: No!!

Patient: You're a doctor - she's a studentdoctor.

Doctor: You're a doctor - she's a studentdoctor.

Patient Student: No!!

Student: (Indicating) Student-doctor... doctor...

patient, doctor.

Patient: (Indicating) Patient... doctor... student-

doctor, doctor.

(Doctor Pointing in various directions):

Doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor,

doctor, doctor! (Indicating correctly)

Patient... doctor... studentdoctor.

Student-Patient: Yes"

Doctor: Well, I'm glad that's all clear.

Goodbye.

Student: Doctor?

Doctor: Yes?

Student: I think you should examine the

patient.

Doctor: Examine him?

Student: Find out what's wrong.

Doctor: What a good idea! Now, when you

examine a patient, the first thing

you must do is tell the patient to

sit down. You try it.

Student: (To the patient) Sit down.

Patient: I'm already sitting down.

Student: He's already sitting down.

Doctor: Ah, this is a very common problem.

If the patient is already sitting

down, don't tell him to sit down.

Student: Oh. (To the patient) Don't sit

down.

Patient: Oh. Right.

(The patient stands up.)

Doctor: Sit down!

Patient: Right.

(The patient sits down.)

Doctor: Now, when the patient is sitting

down, what's the first thing you

SKETCHES 83

should do?

Student: Take his temperature?

(She feels the patient's forehead.)

Doctor: No.

Student: Feel his pulse?

(She feels the patient's pulse) (on

his good arm).

Doctor: No.

Student: Tell him to say 'Aah'?

Doctor: Pardon?

Student: Say 'Aah'.

Doctor: 'Aah!'

Student: No - him.

Doctor: 'Himmm!'

Student: No! Tell him to say 'Aah'.

Doctor: Ah! Him! (To the patient) Say

'Aah'.

Patient: Pardon?

Doctor: Say 'Aah'.

Patient: Good!

Patient: Actually, doctor, the problem is my

arm -

Doctor: Now we can ask the patient some

questions.

Student: Questions?

Doctor: Yes - and here they are.

(The doctor gives the student doctor

a list of questions.)

Doctor: Go on - you can ask him the questions.

Student: Oh. Right.

Doctor: (To the patient) now listen very

carefully, because we have some

very important questions for you.

Patient: But doctor, the problem is -

Doctor: (To the student-doctor) Read the

first question.

Student: Are you Mrs. Elisabeth Robinson of

45 Shakespeare Avenue?

Patient: No.

Doctor: Correct.

Student: Is this your first baby?

Patient: What?

Doctor: Try the next one.

Student: What is the capital of Uruguay?

Patient: Montevideo.

Doctor: Correct. Well, there's nothing

wrong with his South American

geography.

Patient: But doctor -

Doctor: You're fine. You can go now.

Student: Doctor!

Doctor: Yes?

Student: I really think you should examine

the patient.

Doctor: Good idea.

(The doctor places his stethoscope

on the patient's chest.)

Doctor: Cough. (The patient coughs.)

Doctor: Cough.(The patient coughs.)

Doctor: Cough.(The patient coughs.)

Doctor: Cough (The patient coughs.)

Doctor: Cough (The patient coughs.)

Doctor: I know what's wrong with him,

Student: What'

Doctor: He's got a cough

Student: He's got a cough?!

Doctor: Yes and I, Doctor Watson, have got

the answer.

(The doctor produces a bottle of

medicine from his pocket.)

Doctor: (Pointing at the bottle) 'Doctor

Watson's Universal Cough

Remedy.'

Student: 'Doctor Watson's Universal Cough

Remedy?

Doctor: Yes

Student: But what about his arm?

Doctor: Er.. (Pointing at the bottle again)

'Doctor Watson's Universal Cough

and Arm Remedy,'

Student: 'Universal Cough and Arm

Remedy'?

Doctor: Yes - and this is how it works. He

can drink it

(He makes the patient drink some

of the medicine.)

Patient: Aaargh!

Doctor: But it tastes horrible. Or he can

rub it on his back -

(He rubs some of the medicine on

the patient's back.)

Doctor: But he must mix it with water first.

Patient: Aa...aaa...aaargh!

Doctor: As you can see, he's feeling much

better now. All he needs is six

months in hospital. Let's take him

away.

Student: Where? To the hospital?

Doctor: No, to the bus stop. Come on!

(The doctor and the student-doctor

help the patient to his feet, and

they all leave.)

􀂄

84 SKETCHES

Gussett and Rose

Scene: A street

Characters: Two Englishmen: Albert

Gussett and Harold Rose

The two men pass in the street.

Rose: Goodness me!

Gussett: Well I never!

Rose: Herbert Bishop!

Gussett: Arthur Trigwell!

Rose: No...Actually my name's Harold

Rose.

Gussett: I'm Albert Gussett, as a matter of

fact.

Rose: Albert Gussett, Of course

Gussett: And you're Harold Rose. Of course

you are,

Rose: Well I never!

Gussett: Goodness me!

(They hesitate for a moment.)

Rose: Well, how are you, then?

Gussett: Fine, fine, How's Alice?

Rose: Alice?

Gussett: Yes, Alice, Your wife's name's

Alice, isn't it?

Rose: No, no...Gloria, actually,

Gussett: Oh, yes. Gloria Trigwell

Rose: Er… Rose.

Gussett: Rose Trigwell?

Rose: No, Gloria Rose,

Gussett: Gloria Rose, Of course. How is she?

Rose: She's very well. How's,. ,er...

Gussett: Doris?

Rose: Yes, Doris, your wife. How is she?

Gussett: Oh, she's very well.

Rose: Good, good.

Gussett: - but she isn't my wife.

Rose: No?

Gussett: I'm not married.

Rose: Oh.

Gussett: Doris is my sister.

Rose: Oh, yes

(They hesitate again for a

moment.)

Rose: Well, it is a small world, isn't it,

Herbert?

Gussett: Albert.

Rose: Albert, yes. It seems like yesterday.

Gussett: Yes, it certainly does...

Rose: When we were at that awful school

together.

Gussett: School?

Rose: Yes. Doesn't time fly?

Gussett: We weren't at school together.

Rose: Do you remember that awful

English teacher with black teeth?

Gussett: We weren't at school together.

Rose: Weren't we?

Gussett: No, we were in the Army together.

Rose: We weren't,

Gussett: Weren't we?

Rose: I was in the Navy.

Gussett: Oh

(They hesitate again for a

moment.)

Rose: Er... Albert, I mean Herbert -

Gussett: No, no, Albert's my name.

Rose: Er, yes...Albert, how do we know

each other?

Gussett: I was just wondering about that

myself, er...

Rose: Harold.

Gussett: Yes, Harold. Er...Are you an architect?

Rose: Yes! Are you an architect?

Gussett: No, I'm a taxi-driver.

Rose: Oh.

(They hesitate again.)

Gussett: Are you interested in boxing?

Rose: No, not at all.

Gussett: Ah

Rose: Do you go to the theatre?

Gussett: I went once about twenty years

ago.

Rose: I see.

Gussett: Do you take your holidays in

Brighton?

Rose: No, never.

Gussett: Mmm.

Rose: Do you play golf?

Gussett: No, I don't.

Rose: Well, that's not it then.

(They hesitate again.)

Rose: Do you know. Albert. I don't think

we've met before.

Gussett: No, you're right. We haven't.

Rose: Well, er...l'm Harold Rose,

Gussett : And I'm Albert Gussett.

Rose: How do you do?

Gussett: How do you do?

(They shake hands.)

􀂄

SKETCHES 85

Hotel Splendido

Scene: The reception desk at a hotel

in England

Characters: The receptionist, an English

tourist

The tourist arrives at the reception desk; he

is wearing shorts and a very bright, multicoloured

shirt.

Receptionist: Good afternoon, sir. Welcome

to the Hotel Splendido.

Tourist: Thank you.

Receptionist: Pointing at the tourist) Good

heavens! Look at that!

Tourist: (Alarmed) What? Look at

what?

(The receptionist indicates the

tourist's shirt.)

Receptionist: Your shirt!

Tourist: My shirt?

Receptionist: Yes!

Tourist: Do you like it?

Receptionist: No!

Tourist: No?

Receptionist: No, It's horrible.

Tourist: I beg your pardon?

Receptionist: It's horrible! But for you, it's a

good shirt,

Tourist: Thank you.

Receptionist: Because when people look at

you, they look at the shirt.

Tourist: I know.

Receptionist: And that's good - because if

they look at the shirt, they

don't look at the shorts.

Tourist: What?

Receptionist: And the shorts are really horrible.

Tourist: Now, listen. I didn't come here

to be insulted by you.

Receptionist: Oh, you want somebody else

to do it, (Calling) Hey, George,

come here for a minute!

Tourist: Stop! Look, I want to book a

room.

Receptionist: Book a room?

Tourist: Yes. Have you got one?

Receptionist: What? A book or a room?

Tourist: A room! Have you got a room?

Receptionist: Yes, we've got lots of rooms.

It's a big hotel.

Tourist: Yes, but have you got a room

free?

Receptionist: Free?

Tourist: Yes.

Receptionist: No! You have to pay for it!

Tourist: I mean, Have you got a room

with no one in it?

Receptionist: I don't know.

Tourist: Well, can you have a look in

the book?

Receptionist: Pardon?

Tourist: Have a look in the book.

Receptionist: A look in the book?

Tourist: Yes. Have a look in the book.

Receptionist: OK.

(The receptionist picks up the

guest registration book, opens

it, looks quickly at it and closes

it again.)

Receptionist: OK. I've had a look in the

book.

Tourist: And what do you think?

Receptionist: It's a nice book.

Tourist: Look! Have you got a room, or

haven't you?

Receptionist: OK, OK. OK!

(The receptionist looks at the

book again.)

Receptionist: Yes, we've got a room.

Tourist: Good.

Receptionist: A single room.

Tourist: No good, I need a double room

Receptionist: Ah yes, for you and your shirt.

Tourist: No! For me and my wife. She's

arriving this evening.

Receptionist: Ah (Looking at the book again)

Yes. we've got a double room.

Tourist: Good! How much is it?

Receptionist: How much?

Tourist: Yes

Receptionist: (Demonstrating with her

arms) It's about this long and

about this wide and about this

high.

Tourist: No! Not how big, how much?

Receptionist: Ah! Ten pounds.

Tourist: Ten pounds.

Receptionist: Yes. Ten pounds for you, ten

pounds for your wife, and fifty

pounds for the horrible shirt.

Tourist: Fifty pounds for the shirt?!

That's ridiculous!

Receptionist: It's a ridiculous shirt!

Tourist: Now you listen to me. I don't

like your attitude.

Receptionist: I don't like your shirt,

Tourist: I'm going to complain to the

manager.

Receptionist: She's not here.

Tourist: Where is she?

Receptionist: In hospital.

Tourist: In hospital? Oh dear. Did she

have an accident?

Receptionist: Not exactly. She had dinner in

the hotel.

Tourist: Well, I would just like to say

that you are the most unhelpful,

the most unpleasant, the

worst receptionist that I have

met in my life.

Receptionist: (Pleased) Thank you very

much.

Tourist: And I am going to report you

to the manager!

Receptionist: Fine. Shall I give you the

phone number of the hospital?

Tourist: Right, that's enough! My wife

and I are not going to stay at

this hotel, I'll go and book a

room at the hotel next door.

Receptionist: OK. See you there.

Tourist: Pardon?

Receptionist: I'll see you there.

Tourist: What?

Receptionist: This is my last day at this

hotel. I lost my job this morning,

I start work tomorrow at

the hotel next door.

Tourist: (Leaving) Oh, no!

Receptionist: See you tomorrow!

􀂄

86 SKETCHES

The passport office

Scene: A passport office in Britain

Characters: The passport office clerk, a

man who wants a passport,

the man's girl-friend

The clerk is working at her desk. The man

comes in and coughs twice.

Clerk: Oh, good morning. Can I help you?

Man: Yes. Have you got any passports?

Clerk: Yes, we have.

Man: Oh, good. The shop next door hasn't

got any. I'd like twenty, please.

Clerk: Twenty?

Man: Yes. All different colors.

Clerk: I'm sorry. That's impossible.

Man: All right. All the some color.

Clerk: No, no - it's impossible to have

twenty passports.

Man: Is it?

Clerk: Yes. You can only have one.

Man: Oh, all right. One passport, please.

(He offers some money.)

Clerk: Just a minute. It isn't as easy as

that. You have to answer some

questions.

Man: Oh,

Clerk: What kind of passport do you want?

Man: What kind of passport?

Clerk: Yes

Man: A big round yellow one.

Clerk: We've only got small blue rectangular

ones. When I say 'What kind?' I

mean: How long?

Man: How long?

Clerk: How long? Five years? Ten years?

Man: I want it today,

Clerk: No, I mean: How long do you want it

to last?

Man: How long do I want it to last?

Clerk: Yes

Man: A hundred years.

Clerk: A hundred years?!

Man: Yes.

Clerk: You can't have a passport for a hundred

years.

Man: Why not?

Clerk: Er...I don't know. All right - a passport

for a hundred years. Now, we

have to fill in this form, Er..Do sit

down.

Man: Oh, thank you. He sits down.

Clerk: Now...first question. Name

Man: William Shakespeare.

Clerk: William Shakespeare?

Man: Yes

Clerk: Is that your name?

Man: No, but it's a very nice name.

Clerk: Yes, but what's your name?

Man: Oh, my name. Sorry.

Clerk: Well, what is it?

Man: Smith.

Clerk: (Writing) Smith,

Man: (In a high voice) That's right. Smith,

S-M-I-T-H.

Clerk: Pardon?

Man: Smith, that's right.

Clerk: And what's your first name, Mr.

Smith?

Man: (In a high voice) Charles.

Clerk: Pardon?

Man: Charles.

Clerk: (Writing) Charles.

Man: (In a low voice) That's right.

(The clerk is puzzled.)

Clerk: Mr. Smith?

Man: (In a high voice) Yes?

Clerk: There's something rather strange

about the way you speak.

Man: Is there?

Clerk: Yes. When I say your family name -

Man: Smith,

Clerk: Yes, Smith

Man : (In a high voice) Yes?

Clerk: Your voice goes up.

Man: Does it?

Clerk: Yes. And when I say your first name

Man: Charles.

Clerk: Yes, Charles

Man: (In a low voice) Yes?

Clerk: Your voice goes down.

SKETCHES 87

Man: Er...yes, it's true. It's a very big

problem when I'm having a conversation.

Clerk: That's right.

Man: But there is a solution.

Clerk: What is it?

Man: You can call me by a different name.

Clerk: A different name?

Man: Yes. Then we can have a normal

conversation.

Clerk: Oh, good. What name would you

like?

Man: Brunhilde.

Clerk: What?

Man: Call me Brunhilde.

Clerk: Brunhilde -

Man: Schwarzkopf.

Clerk: I beg your pardon?

Man: Schwarzkopf.Brunhilde Schwarzkopf.

Just write it down.

Clerk: (Suspicious) Write it down?

Man: Oh, yes - you must write it down.

You see, if I see my real name on a

piece of paper, my voice goes funny.

(In a high voice) Look, there it is

(He tops the form.)

Man: (In a high voice) - Quick! Smith!

Cross it out! Cross it out!

Clerk: Oh. Right.

(The clerk crosses out his name.)

Man: That's better.

Clerk: (Writing) Now...Brunhilde

Schwarzkopf. Well, Miss

Schwarzkopf, there are one or two

more questions. Er...Question two:

Address.

Man: Pardon?

Clerk: Address.

Man: No, it isn't.

Clerk: What?

Man: It isn't a dress. I'm not wearing a

dress. It's a raincoat.

Clerk: No, no - address, address!

Man: No, no - a raincoat, a raincoat!

Clerk: Look - where do you live?

Man: Oh, where do I live?

Clerk: Yes.

Man: Round the corner.

Clerk: Can you be more exact?

Man: Er...just round the corner.

Clerk: Brunhilde! What is your address?

Man: OK,OK. My address is 14...Brunhilde

Street.

Clerk: (Writing) 14, Bain - Ah! That means

14 Smith Street, doesn't it?

Man: (In a high voice) No - 14, Charles

Street.

Clerk: 14, Charles Street.

Man: (In a low voice) That's right.

Clerk: Now. ..nationality.

Man: Er...just write 'British'.

Clerk: Are you British?

Man: It doesn't matter. Just write 'British'.

Clerk: Brunhilde, are you or are you not

British?

Man: That is a very good question.

Clerk: And what is the answer?

Man: It's a bit complicated.

Clerk: All right, then. Let's start at the

beginning. Where were you born?

Man: I don't remember.

Clerk: You don't remember.

Man: No

Clerk: Why not?

Man: I was very young at the time.

Clerk: Well, what about your father and

mother?

Man: They were older than me.

Clerk: Brunhilde! Tell me about your mother.

Man: She was very nice...tall, with a long

black beard.

Clerk: Your mother?

Man: Oh no, that was my father...

Clerk: (Angry) All right! That's enough! I

don't want to hear any more! Just

take your passport

Man: Oh, thank you.

(She gives him a passport.)

Clerk: put a photograph in it, and go anywhere

in the world. But don't come

back here!

(She leaves the office.)

Man : Hmmm...A British passport, in the

name of Brunhilde Schwarzkopf.

Excellent. Brunhilde!

(His girl-friend Brunhilde, comes in.)

Brunhilde: Ja?

Man: I've got a passport for you.

Brunhilde: Ja?

Man: Now we can go anywhere in

the world.

Brunhilde: Ja?

Man: What about a holiday in the

sun?

Brunhilde: Ja?

Man: (To himself) She doesn't

understand a word I say,

Brunhilde: Ja?

􀂄

88 SKETCHES

Fire practice

Scene: A fire Station

Characters: Boggins, Coggins, Foggins

The fire chief is in the fire station.

Someone knocks loudly at the door.

Fire chief: Come in! (Foggins comes in.)

Foggins: Don't panic!!!

Fire chief: Can I help you?

Foggins: Yes, I want a job.

Fire chief: You want a job?

Foggins: Yes. I want to be a fireman.

Fire chief: You want to be a fireman?

Foggins: That's right.

Fire chief: Why do you want to be a fireman?

Foggins: Well, I like smashing things - like

doors, and windows, and tables.

Fire chief: Well, I don't know...

Foggins: Please

Fire chief: What's your name?

Foggins: Foggins.

Fire chief: Foggins?

Foggins: Yeah, 'Smasher' Foggins.

Fire chief: Well, Mr. Foggins, do you know

anything about the Fire Service?

For example, what is the most

important thing in a fireman's

equipment?

Foggins: What is...the meaning of the word

'equipment'?

Fire chief: Equipment...you know...things,

What is the most important thing

a fireman's got?

Foggins: His axe.

Fire chief: Wrong.

Foggins: What is it, then?

Fire chief: His telephone.

Foggins: His telephone?

Fire chief: Yes, Foggins.

Foggins: You can't smash doors with a

telephone.

Fire chief: That's right, Foggins, But when

this telephone rings, someone is

in trouble. When this telephone

rings, someone needs help. When

this telephone rings, someone

needs the Fire Service.

(The telephone rings. The fire

chief answers it.)

Fire chief: Not now, I'm busy.

(He puts down the telephone.)

Fire chief: (To Foggins) So, Foggins, the

most important part of our equipment

is,

Foggins: the telephone.

Fire chief: Right! OK, Foggins, I've got an

idea, you can do fire practice

today with the new firemen.

Would you like to meet them?

Foggins: Yes, please,

Fire chief: Good. Boggins!

(Boggins comes in.)

Boggins: Sir!

Fire chief: Coggins!

(Coggins comes in.)

Coggins: Sir!

Fire chief: Foggins, This is Boggins and

Coggins. Boggins, Coggins and

Foggins, Coggins, Foggins and

Foggins.Right - fire practice.

Question one. Boggins!

Boggins: Yes, sir!

Fire chief: Where do most fires start?

Boggins: In a box of matches, sir.

Fire chief: No. Coggins?

Coggins: Don't know, sir.

Fire chief: Foggins?

Foggins: What was the question again?

Fire chief: Where do most fires start?

Foggins: At the fire station.

Fire chief: No, Foggins. The answer is: In

your house.

Foggins: What?!

Fire chief: Yes, Foggins. In your house.

Foggins: Well, I'm not staying here, then.

(Foggins goes towards the door.)

Fire chief: Where are you going?

Foggins: I'm going home.

Fire chief: Why?

Foggins: You said most fires start in my

house.

Fire chief: Not in your house, Foggins, In

everybody's house

Boggins, Coggins, Foggins: What?!

(They panic. The fire chief blows

his whistle.)

Fire chief Look - don't panic. It's just an

expression. It means 'houses in

general'.

Boggins, Coggins, Foggins: Oh!

Fire chief: Now, question two, Coggins!

Coggins: Sir!

Fire chief: What should you do if there's a

fire in your house?

Coggins: Go next door, sir.

Fire chief: No, Coggins. You should call the

Fire Service.

Coggins: Ooh, good idea, sir.

Fire chief: And that's where we start work.

Because the most important part

of our equipment is..

SKETCHES 89

Boggins Coggins Foggins: the telephone!

Fire chief: Right! Now, telephone practice.

Boggins!

Boggins: Sirl

Fire chief: Give the telephone to Coggins.

Boggins: Sir!

(Boggins gives the telephone to

Coggins.)

Fire chief: Coggins!

Coggins: Sir?

Fire chief: You are the telephone. Foggins!

Foggins: What?

Fire chief: You are the telephone bell.

Foggins: What do you mean?

Fire chief: When I blow my whistle, make a

ringing noise. Telephone practice

- begin!

(The fire chief blows his whistle.

Foggins makes a noise like an

ambulance.)

Fire chief: Not an ambulance, Foggins - a

telephone! Start again.

The fire chief blows his whistle

again.

Foggins: Ring, ring. Ring, ring.

Fire chief: Boggins,

Foggins: Ring, ring.

Boggins: Yes, sir?

Foggins: Ring, ring.

Fire chief: The telephone's ringing,

Foggins: Ring, ring.

Boggins: No, it isn't sir.

Foggins: Ring, ring,

Boggins: It's Foggins, sir. He's going 'Ring,

ring', sir.

Foggins: Ring, ring.

Boggins: There you are, sir.

Fire chief: Boggins, answer the telephone!

Foggins: Ring, ring.

Boggins: All right, sir.

Boggins picks up the telephone.

Foggins: Ring, ring. Ring, ring,

Fire chief: Foggins!

Foggins: Ring, what?

Fire chief: Stop it!

Foggins: Brrrrrr.

Boggins: Nobody there, sir.

Fire chief: Let's start again.

(Boggins puts down the telephone.)

Fire chief: Telephone practice - begin!

The fire chief blows his whistle

again.

Foggins: Ring, ring. Ring, ring.

(Boggins picks up the telephone.)

Boggins: Hello?

Fire chief: Fire station.

Boggins: Oh, hello fire station!

Fire chief: No, Boggins! You are the fire station.

Boggins: Oh, yes. Sorry, sir. Hello? Fire station.

Fire chief: (In a high voice) Help! Help!

Boggins: Is something wrong, sir?

Fire chief: No, Boggins. I am an old lady. I'm

an old lady, and my house is on

fire. That's why I'm calling the

fire station

Boggins: I see, sir.

Fire chief: Continue.

Boggins: Hello, old lady. Can I help you?

Fire chief: (In a high voice)Yes. There's a

fire in my kitchen.

Boggins: OK, We're on our way.

(Boggins puts down the telephone.)

Boggins: Was that all right, sir?

Fire chief: Boggins, where is the fire?

Boggins: In the old lady's kitchen, sir.

Fire chief: Where is the old lady's kitchen?

Boggins: In the old lady's house, sir.

Fire chief: Where is the house?

Boggins: Oh, dear!

(The telephone rings.)

Fire chief: Foggins, stop making that noise

Foggins: It's not me, it's the telephone.

Fire chief: Is it? Oh, right. Coggins!

Coggins: Sir?

Fire chief: Answer the telephone,

Coggins: Sir!

(Coggins answers the telephone.)

Coggins: Yes...Yes...Yes...Yes...Yes...Yes.

OK, we're on our way.

(Coggins puts down the telephone.)

Fire chief: Very good, Coggins. What is it?

Coggins: A fire, sir.

Fire chief: Did you get the name?

Coggins: Yes, sir.

Fire chief: Did you get the address?

Coggins: Yes, sir.

Fire chief: Do you know how to get there?

Coggins: Yes, sir.

Fire chief: Right. Get in line and don't panic.

This is your first fire. Coggins,

where's the fire?

Coggins: In Railway Street, sir,

Fire chief: In Rail - In Railway Street?!

Coggins: Yes, sir.

Fire chief: What number?

Coggins: Number 44, sir.

Fire chief: What?! Quick! Hurry up! Get out

of here and do something!

Foggins: All right, all right you said 'Don't

panic'

Fire chief: Never mind 'Don't panic'. Panic!

Boggins: What's the matter, sir? It's just a

house on fire.

Fire chief: Yes, but it's my house! Panic!

(They panic.)

􀂄

90 SKETCHES

The post office

Scene: A post office in Britain

Characters: The post office clerk, a customer

The clerk is behind the counter. Some distance

from the counter, there is a sign which

says 'Wait here'. The customer enters and

waits by the sign.

Clerk: Good morning.

(The customer does not react.)

Clerk: Good morning!

(The customer still does not

react.)

Clerk: Can I help you?

Customer: Pardon?

Clerk: Can I help you?

Customer: I can't hear you!

Clerk: Can I help you?!

Customer: I can't hear you. You're too far

away

Clerk: Well, come over here.

Customer: Pardon?

Clerk: Come over here!!

Customer: Come over there?

Clerk: Yes!!!

Customer: I can't. I've got to wait here.

Clerk: No, you haven't.

Customer: Yes I have. This sign says 'Wait

here'.

Clerk: Yes, but you're the only customer.

So you can come over

here!

Customer: Oh. Right.

(The customer goes to the

counter.)

Clerk: Now...can I help you?

Customer: Can I send a parcel to Australia?

Clerk: Yes, you can

Customer: Good, I want to send this to my

daughter.

(The customer produces a large

parcel from her bag. The parcel

is shaped like a fish.)

Clerk: What's this? (Reading the label

on the parcel) 'Contents: One

coffee-pot. A coffeepot?

Customer: Yes.

Clerk: It doesn't look like a coffee-pot.

Customer: Doesn't it?

Clerk: No.

(The clerk bangs the parcel on

the counter.)

Customer: Be careful

Clerk: And it doesn't sound like a coffee-

pot. And...(Sniffing the parcel)

...it doesn't smell like a coffee-

pot. It smells like a fish,

Customer: All right, all right, it's a fish.

Clerk: Well, I'm sorry, you can't send a

fish by post.

Customer: Why not?

Clerk: Look. It's in the book: 'No food

by post.'

Customer: (Reading from the book) 'No

food by post.' Food?! This isn't

food! This is Napoleon!

Clerk: Napoleon?

Customer: Yes, Napoleon. He's my daughter's

fish. And my daughter lives

in Australia. That's why I want

to send him to Australia.

Clerk: Well, you can't send him by

post.

Customer: Please!

Clerk: No

Customer: Please!!

Clerk: Oh, all right. But there's no

name on the parcel.

Customer: Oh, sorry, (She starts writing)

'Nap-o-le-'

Clerk: Not the name of the fish, Your

daughter's name. What is your

daughter's name?

Customer: Josephine,

Clerk: Josephine, and what is her second

name?

Customer: Elisabeth.

Clerk: No - when I said 'her second

name', I meant her family

name. What is her family name?

Customer: It's the same as mine.

Clerk: Yes. But what is it?

Customer: Wellington

Clerk: Wellington.

Customer: Yes.

Clerk: So...your daughter's name is

Josephine Elisabeth: Wellington

Customer: Yes

Clerk: Address?

Customer: Pardon?

Clerk: Address, Where does she live in

Australia?

Customer: Er...

Clerk: Sydney?

Customer: No

Clerk: Melbourne?

Customer: No.

Clerk: Adelaide?

SKETCHES 91

Customer: Adelaide!

Clerk: Adelaide,

Customer: No. Ah, I remember - Vienna!

Clerk: Vienna?

Customer: Vienna.

Clerk: Vienna's in Austria.

Customer: That's what I said.

Clerk: No, you didn't. You said

'Australia'.

Customer: Did I?

Clerk: So this is going to Josephine

Wellington in Vienna, Austria.

Customer: Yes, How much is it?

Clerk: That depends on the weight.

Customer: Pardon?

Clerk: Weight,

Customer: Oh. OK.

(The customer starts walking

back to the 'Wait here' sign.)

Clerk: No! I didn't say (Indicating the

sign) 'wait'. I said (Indicating

the scales on the counter)

'weight'.

(The clerk weighs the parcel.)

Clerk: Two and a half kilos. That's

£17.50.

Customer: £17,50?! That's very expensive,

Clerk: Well, he is going by air.

Customer: By air? Napoleon can't go by air!

Clerk: Why not?

Customer: He's a fish, not a bird.

Clerk: No, he's going on an aero plane

Customer: On an aero plane?

Clerk: Yes

Customer: How extraordinary! I'm going on

an aero plane today.

Clerk: Really?

Customer: Yes. I'm going to visit my

daughter.

Clerk: Your daughter Josephine?

Customer: Yes.

Clerk: In Vienna?

Customer: Yes.

Clerk: Well, why don't you take

Napoleon with you?

Customer: Take Napoleon with me?

Clerk: Yes. On the aero plane.

Customer: Take Napoleon with me on the

aero plane?

Clerk: Yes! To Vienna!

Customer: Of course! Take Napoleon with

me on the aero plane to Vienna!

Clerk: Yes!

Customer: And then when I get to Vienna,..

Clerk: Yes!!

Customer: ...I can post him from there!

(The customer picks up the parcel

and leaves.)

􀂄

92 SKETCHES

Mr. Jones

Scene: An office, at four o'clock one

afternoon

Characters: A girl, Mr. Charles Jones, a

second 'Mr. Jones', a third 'Mr.

Jones'

Mr. Jones goes into an office.

Mr. Jones: Good afternoon.

Girl: Good afternoon.

Mr. Jones: My name's Jones. Charles

Jones. I come from Wales,

from Cardiff. I saw an advertisement

in the newspaper. It

said: 'Charles Jones. Money.

Four o'clock. Tuesday afternoon.'

And it gave this

address.

Girl: Ah yes. Wait in here please,Mr.

Jones.

(She takes Mr. Jones into

another office.)

Mr. Jones: Thank you.

Girl: With these two gentlemen.

Mr. Jones: Oh, thank you.(The girl goes

out.)

Mr. Jones: Good afternoon.

Mr. Jones 2: Good afternoon.

Mr. Jones: Good afternoon.

Mr. Jones 3: Good afternoon.

Mr. Jones: Nice day, isn't it?

Mr. Jones 2: Yes.

Mr. Jones 3: Yes, it is.

(The girl comes in.)

Girl: Now - Mr. Jones?

Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones 2, Mr. Jones 3: Yes?

Girl: Mr. Jones?

Mr. Jones Mr. Jones 2 Mr. Jones 3: Yes?

Girl: Which one of you is Mr. Jones?

Mr. Jones: I am

Mr. Jones 2: So am I,

Mr. Jones 3: So am I.

Mr. Jones: No, my name's Jones,

Mr. Jones 2: So's mine.

Mr. Jones 3: So's mine,

Girl: I want to speak to Mr.

Charles Jones

Mr. Jones: Charles Jones! That's

me!

Mr. Jones 2: No, I'm Charles Jones.

Mr. Jones 3: That's my name, too!

Girl: Charles Edward Jones.

Mr. Jones: Yes! My name is Charles

Edward Jones.

Mr. Jones 3: So's mine.

Mr. Jones 2: Mine is, too!

Girl: I want to speak to Mr. Charles

Edward Jones from Cardiff.

Mr. Jones: That's right. I come from

Cardiff.

Mr. Jones 2: So do I

Mr. Jones 3: So do I.

Girl: The Mr. Jones I want to see

has got three children.

Mr. Jones: Yes, that's me! I've got three

children.

Mr. Jones 3: So have I.

(The other man hesitates.)

Girl: What about you?

Mr. Jones 2: I've got three children.

Mr. Jones: You haven't! What are they

called?

Mr. Jones 2: What are yours called?

Mr. Jones: Alan. Michael and David.

Mr. Jones 2: So are mine.

Mr. Jones 3: What a coincidence! So are

mine.

Girl: So you all say you're Mr.

Jones?

Mr. Jones 2, Mr. Jones 3: Yes.

Girl: And you all saw the advertisement

in the newspaper.

Mr. Jones 2 : Yes.

Girl: (Very seriously) Well, Mr.

Charles Edward Jones, who

lives in Cardiff, and has three

children, hasn't paid any tax

for the last five years. He must

pay the government five thousand

pounds.

Mr. Jones 2: Er... actually my name isn't

Jones,

Mr. Jones 3: Nor is mine, and I don't live in

Cardiff, either.

SKETCHES 93

Mr. Jones 2: Nor do I. I live in...Edinburgh,

as a matter of fact. I didn't

understand the advertisement.

Mr. Jones 3: Nor did I, I didn't realize it

meant Charles Edward Jones.

Mr. Jones 2: Nor did I. My name isn't

Charles Edward Jones.

Mr. Jones 3: Nor is mine. He's the man

you're looking for.

Mr. Jones: Oh dear.

Mr. Jones 2: Yes, of course he is! Sorry to

have troubled you. Goodbye.

Mr. Jones 3: Yes, sorry to have troubled

you. Goodbye. (The two men

leave)

Girl: So you're Mr. Jones,

Mr. Jones: Yes.

Girl: Congratulations!

Mr. Jones: Eh?

Girl: You're a rich man.

Mr. Jones: I'm not!

Girl: Yes, you are. You've got a lot

of money!

Mr. Jones: I haven't. I can't pay that tax.

Girl: There isn't any tax!

Mr. Jones: I haven't got - No tax?

Girl: No. That was just a story. I

had to find the real Mr. Jones.

Mr. Jones: Why?

Girl: Because the real Mr. Jones is a

very rich man.

Mr. Jones: I don't understand.

Girl: Mr. Jones - Charlie. Your greatuncle

Max died last week.

Mr. Jones: Oh, no...

Girl: And his money goes to you!

Mr. Jones: To me? But great-uncle Max

was a millionaire!

Girl: That's right.

Mr. Jones: So now I'm a millionaire?

Girl: Er...no.

Mr. Jones: Oh.

Girl: You're half a millionaire.

Mr. Jones: Half a millionaire? Which half?

The top half or the bottom

half?

Girl: No, no, no. You share the

money with one other relation.

Mr. Jones: Half a millionaire! Who do I

share the money with?

Girl: Me!

Mr. Jones: You?

Girl: Yes, I'm your cousin Jane.

Mr. Jones: Cousin Jane? Really? You've

grown up!

Girl: So have you.

Mr. Jones: And now you're half a millionaire.

Girl: And so are you! Let's go out

and celebrate.

Mr. Jones: Good idea! Let's go out and

celebrate! Come on!

(He opens the door.)

Mr. Jones: Oh...er...Jane?

Girl: Yes?

Mr. Jones: Have you got enough money

for the bus fare?

􀂄

94 SKETCHES

The shoe stall

Scene: A shoe stall in a street market

in Britain

Characters: Honest Harry, the stallholder, a

customer

The stallholder is standing at his stall; he has

a small card in his hat, saying 'Honest Harry'.

The customer comes to the stall, carrying a

shoe-box.

Harry: Good morning, madam. Can I

help you?

Customer: Are you Honest Harry?

Harry: E... maybe. Why?

Customer: I want to make a complaint to

Honest Harry.

Harry: A complaint?

Customer: Yes

Harry: In that case, I'm not Honest

Harry.

Customer: What?

Harry: Honest Harry's on holiday.

Customer: Oh, (Noticing the card in his

hat) Wait a minute - your hat

says 'Honest Harry'.

Harry: Oh, yes this is Honest Harry's

hat. I'm wearing it while he's

on holiday.

Customer: What?!

Harry: I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give

you Harry's telephone number,

in Argentina.

Customer: Now listen to me.

Harry: All right, all right, all right. I

am Honest Harry. What's the

problem?

(The customer puts the shoebox

on the stall.)

Customer: Well, my husband came here

yesterday,

Harry: Oh, really?

Customer: Yes. And he bought these

shoes.

(The customer takes two

shoes from the box (one is

red, the other is green) and

closes it.)

Harry: Yes?

Customer: Well, my husband can't wear

these.

Harry: Why not? Are they too big?

Customer: No.

Harry: Too small?

Customer: No.

Harry: So what's the problem?

Customer: They're not the same colour.

Harry: Not the same colour?

Customer: That's right.

Harry: Not the same colour as what?

Customer: They're not the same colour as

each other! One of them's red

and the other one's green.

Harry: Oh, yes! One of them's red

and the other one's green,

Customer: Yes!

Harry: I see! So which one are you

complaining about?

Customer: Pardon?

Harry: Which one don't you like?

Customer: Look, there's nothing wrong

with the shoes -

Harry: Good.

Customer: but they're not a pair,

Harry: No, you're right, madam.

They're not a pear. This is a

pear.

(Harry produces a pear and

bites it.)

Harry: Mmm, delicious!

Customer: I don't think you're taking this

very seriously.

Harry: Sorry, madam. Let's start at

the beginning. Your husband

bought these shoes.

Customer: Yes.

Harry: From me.

Customer: Yes.

Harry: And you're not satisfied with

them.

Customer: That's right. I'm not satisfied

at all.

Harry: What do you mean, exactly?

Customer: What do you mean: 'What do I

mean'?

Harry: What do I mean what do you

mean?

Customer: Yes.

Harry: What I mean is this; Are you:

(A) 'Unhappy', (B) 'Annoyed',

(C) 'Angry', or (D) 'Suicidal'?

Customer: Well, I'm unhappy

Harry: You're unhappy.

Customer: Yes.

Harry: You're not annoyed.

Customer: No, well, yes, I am.

Harry: So you're annoyed.

Customer: Yes.

SKETCHES 95

Harry: You're not just unhappy -

you're annoyed.

Customer: Yes.

Harry: But you're not angry.

Customer: No.

Harry: You're sure?

Customer: Yes.

Harry: Oh, you are angry.

Customer: No! I'm sure I'm not angry!

Harry: You're not angry.

Customer: I'm not angry!

Harry: Well, you look angry to me.

Customer: All right, I'm angry!

Harry: You're angry! Right. But not

suicidal.

Customer: That's right.

Harry: Good. You're angry!

Customer: Yes!

Harry: Now. are you: (A) 'Very

angry', (B) 'Very very angry',

(C) 'Extremely angry', or (D)

Absolutely furious'?

Customer: Look, this is stupid.

Harry: Oh, it's stupid, is it?

Customer: Yes, it's stupid.

Harry: I see. Would you say it's: (A)

'Very stupid', (B) 'Very very

stupid', (C) 'Completely stupid',

or (D) 'Absolutely idiotic'?

Customer: Look, all I want to do is change

these shoes.

Harry: Change the shoes? Well, why

didn't you say so? You're very

lucky, madam, because I have

here another pair of shoes that

are very similar.

(Harry produces the corresponding

red shoe and green

shoe, and puts them on the

stall.)

Customer: No. wait a minute - that's a

red one and a green one as

well.

Harry: You're quite right. OK. let me

change this red one for this

green one.

(He does so, making a red pair

and a green pair.)

Customer: Thank you.

Harry: And this green one for this red

one.

(He does so, making two

mixed pairs again.)

Harry: Satisfied?

Customer: No.

Harry: All right then. I'll change this

green one for this red one...

(He does so, making a red pair

and a green pair.)

Harry: ...and this red one for this

green one.

(He does so, making two

mixed pairs again.)

Customer: Look -

Harry: Just a minute - I've got a better

idea. Your husband bought

this pair of shoes...

(He indicates one mixed pair.)

Harry: ...so if you buy this pair as

well...

(He indicates the other mixed

pair.)

Customer: Yes?

Harry: ...you can have one pair, and

your husband can have the

other.

Customer: All right. (Putting the two pairs

into her bag) One pair...two

pairs. How much is that?

Harry: Twenty pounds.

Customer: Twenty pounds. (Giving Harry

a £20 note) Here you are.

Harry: No - it's twenty pounds a pair.

That's forty pounds.

Customer: Forty pounds?

Harry: Yes.

Customer: But my husband paid you

twenty pounds yesterday.

Harry: Did he?

Customer: Yes. So you owe me twenty

pounds.

Harry: (Confused) Do I?

Customer: Yes.

Harry: Oh. (Giving back the £20 note)

Here you are then.

Customer: Thank you. Goodbye.

(The customer leaves.)

Harry: Goodbye.

(Realizing his mistake)

Er....no...just

a minute...

Come back!

He runs after

the customer.

􀂄

96 SKETCHES

The check-in desk

Scene: The 'Elephant Airlines' check-in desk

at an international airport in Britain

Characters: The check-in clerk, an

English traveler, Captain Strange (a

pilot)

The traveler comes to the check-in desk. He

is carrying just one small bag, as hand luggage.

Clerk: Good morning, sir. Can I help

you?

Traveler: Monte Carlo!

Clerk: Pardon?

Traveler: Monte Carlo!

Clerk: Oh! Hello, Mr. Carlo.

Traveler: No! I want to fly to Monte Carlo.

Clerk: Oh, I see!

Traveler: Can I check in here?

Clerk: For the flight to Monte Carlo?

Traveler: Yes.

Clerk: Who are you flying with?

Traveler: Pardon?

Clerk: Who are you flying with?

Traveler: Nobody - I'm going by myself.

Clerk: No, sir. I mean, which airline are

you flying with?

Traveler: Oh. Elephant Airlines, Here's my

ticket.

Clerk: Thank you.

Traveler: This is my first flight, you know.

Clerk: Well, I'm sure you'll enjoy it, sir.

(Reading from the ticket)

Elephant Airlines, Flight 999 to

Monte Carlo.

Traveler: Err...Why is it called 'Elephant

Airlines'?

Clerk: Well, sir, the planes are very big.

Traveler: (Pleased) Ah.

Clerk: They move very slowly.

Traveler: (Uneasy) Ah.

Clerk: And they make a strange noise.

Traveler: A strange noise?

Clerk: Yes. A noise like an elephant.

(The clerk makes an elephant

noise.)

Traveler: What?! Your planes sound like

elephants?!

Clerk: Yes, sir.

Traveler: But - But - But -

Clerk: Take it easy, sir. They're quite

safe. Now... (Reading from the

ticket) ...Mr Right.

Traveler: Pardon?

Clerk: Mr. Right.

Traveler: No, that's wrong.

Clerk: Pardon?

Traveler: My name isn't Right, It's wrong.

Clerk: Your name is Wrong?

Traveler: Yes.

Clerk: Well, Mr. Wrong -

Traveler: No! My name isn't right on the

ticket.

Clerk: Yes, it is. Look... Mr. Right.

Traveler: No... my name isn't Right!

Clerk: Ah! Your name isn't Right!

Traveler: Right!

Clerk: Right! What is your name?

Traveler: Watt

Clerk: Your name.

Traveler: Watt!

Clerk: What is your name?!

Traveler: Yes! Watt is my name!!

Clerk: Ah! Right!

Traveler: No! Watt!

Clerk: Right! Watt!

Traveler: Yes (Pointing at the ticket) Write

Watt!

The clerk corrects his name on

the ticket.

Clerk: Right. Any luggage, Mr. Watt?

Traveler: Pardon?

Clerk: Have you got any luggage?

Traveler: Just this little bag.

Clerk: That's fine. Now, smoking or nonsmoking?

Traveler: Non-smoking, please.

Clerk: Eating or non-eating?

Traveler: Pardon.

Clerk: Eating or non-eating? Do you

want a meal on the plane?

Traveler: Oh, Yes, please.

Clerk: Er...Here you are.

(The clerk produces a plastic

chicken.)

Traveler: What's that?!

Clerk: Your lunch.

Traveler: But that's a chicken.

Clerk: Yes.

Traveler: I can't eat that. I'm a vegetarian!

SKETCHES 97

Clerk: Oh, Well, in that case...er...you

can have this carrot.

(The clerk gives the traveler a

large carrot.)

Traveler: (Confused) Thank you.

Clerk: Well, everything seems to be in

order. So...your seat.

Traveler: Yes.

Clerk: Where is it?

Traveler: Pardon?

Clerk: Where's your seat?

Traveler: My seat?

Clerk: Yes. Have you got one?

Traveler: Aren't there any seats on the

plane?

Clerk: (Laughing) Seats...on the plane?

Traveler: Yes.

Clerk: No. You have to take your own.

Traveler: I haven't got a seat.

Clerk: No seat?

Traveler: No.

Clerk: You've come to the airport without

a seat?

Traveler: Well, it is my first flight...

Clerk: Well, never mind - you can borrow

mine.

(The clerk gives the traveler her

chair.)

Traveler: But wait a minute, this isn't an

aero plane seat, is it?

Clerk: Well, it's a seat - you put it on an

aero plane - it's an aero plane

seat.

Traveler: What about a seatbelt?

Clerk: Here you are.

(The clerk produces a belt.)

Traveler: Look - that isn't a seatbelt. Is it?

Clerk: It's a belt - (Putting it on the

seat) you put it on a seat - it's a

seatbelt.

Traveler: Thank you. Is that everything?

Clerk: Yes, sir, you've got your seat,

you've got your seatbelt, and

you've got your carrot.

Traveler: Where do I go now?

Clerk: To the Departure Gate.

Traveler: The departure gate.

Clerk: Yes. Gate Number 13,

Traveler: Thank you.

Clerk: Have a good flight, sir.

Traveler: (Still confused) Thank you

(The traveler starts to leave. The

clerk bursts out laughing.)

Traveler: What's the matter?

Clerk: I'm sorry, sir, You didn't believe

all that, did you?

Traveler: All what?

Clerk: All that about the seat and the

seatbelt - and the carrot.

Traveler: What do you mean?

Clerk: Sir...it was all a joke.

Traveler: A joke?

Clerk: Yes. You see, you are the onemillionth

passenger to fly with

Elephant Airlines, so we thought

we'd have a bit of fun!

Traveler: Oh! So it's not true: the seat, the

seatbelt - and the carrot!

Clerk: No, sir-flying isn't like that

Traveler: I thought it was a bit strange!

Clerk: Yes.

Traveler: But this is my first flight,

Clerk: Yes,

Traveler: You must think I'm a complete

idiot!

Clerk: Yes. Anyway, you're the one-millionth

passenger, so the captain

himself is going to accompany

you to the plane.

Traveler: The captain? You mean the pilot

himself?

Clerk: That's right, sir.

Traveler: Wonderful!

Clerk: I'll call him, Captain Strange!

(Captain Strange enters, singing

'Flying, up above the clouds'. He

is rather strange.)

Traveler: Is that the captain?

Clerk: Yes, sir. Captain Strange is the

best pilot with Elephant Airlines.

In fact, he's the only pilot with

Elephant Airlines. Er...Captain

Strange!

Captain: Yes?

Clerk: This is Mr. Watt, your very special

passenger for today's flight.

Captain: Mr. Watt! How nice to meet you!

How very, very nice!

Clerk: You go with the captain, Mr. Watt.

He'll take you to the plane.

Captain: The plane, yes. Where is it?

Traveler: What?!

Captain: The plane.

Traveler: I don't know!

Clerk: It's at Departure Gate 13,

Captain.

Captain: Thank you. Tell me, Mr.

Watt...Have you ever flown a

plane before?

Traveler: No. Why?

Captain: Well, I'm not feeling very well. I

thought that perhaps you could

fly the plane.

Traveler: What?!

Captain: Take it easy, Mr. Watt. Flying a

plane is no problem.

Traveler: But -

Captain: Come on, Mr. Watt. Let's go.

Traveler : Aaargh!

(The traveler leaves, accompanied

by Captain Strange, singing

'Flying, up above the clouds'.)

Clerk: Have a good flight, sir!

􀂄

98 SKETCHES

The police

Scene: A public meeting at which

Inspector Black is giving a talk

about the British police force

Characters: Inspector Black, PC Green,

WPC Brown, PC Grey

Black: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Inspector Black,

and I've come here tonight to talk to

you about the police force in Great

Britain. The police force in Great

Britain is very professional, very

intelligent and very...professional.

So, I'd like you to meet some of my

very professional and intelligent

police officers. First of all, I'd like

you to meet PC Green. Ladies and

gentlemen, PC Green.

(PC Green enters.)

Black: Good evening, PC Green.

Green: Good evening, Inspector Black.

Black: Now, what does PC mean? Tell them,

Green.

Green: I beg your pardon, Inspector?

Black: Tell them.

Green: Tell them what, Inspector?

Black: What do the letters 'PC' stand for?

Green: Oh! 'PC' stands for 'Peter

Christopher'.

Black: What?

Green: It's my name, Inspector. Peter

Christopher Green - PC Green.

Black: Green...

Green: Yes, Inspector?

Black: Do you think that we call you 'PC

Green' because your name is Peter

Christopher Green?

Green: Yes, Inspector.

Black: Well, you're wrong. 'PC' stands for

something else.

Green: Really?

Black: Yes. Now think: What does 'PC'

stand for?

Green: Postcard?

Black: No!

Green: Personal computer?

Black: No!!

Green: Oh, I know! Prince Charles!

Black: Green, 'PC does not mean 'Prince

Charles', or 'postcard', or 'personal

computer'. It means 'Police

Constable'!

Green: Really' I didn't know that.

Black: You are Police Constable Green.

Green: Thank you, Inspector.

Black: Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like

you to meet another British police

officer: WPC Brown.

(WPC Brown enters.)

Brown: Hello.

Black: Now,if 'PC' means 'Police Constable',

what does 'WPC' mean?

Brown: 'Wife of Police Constable.'

Black: Don't be stupid, Brown! You are not

'Wife of Police Constable'!

Brown: Yes, I am, Inspector. I'm married to

PC Green.

Green: That's right, sir. We're very happy.

Black: 'WPC' means 'Woman Police

Constable'. Now, ladies and gentlemen,

as you can see.

(Green and Brown are wearing nice

blue and white uniforms.)

(Green and Brown demonstrate their

uniforms like fashion models.)

Black: Hat - or helmet. Blouse - or shirt.

Skirt or trousers. Boots...or boots.

So, this is a police uniform. But

there are a lot of police officers out

there in the street with no uniform.

Green: No uniform?!

Brown: They must be very cold, Inspector.

Black: No! They're wearing normal clothes.

Brown: Why's that, Inspector?

Black: They're wearing normal clothes

because they want to look like normal

people. So...here is a police officer

dressed exactly like a normal

person. Ladies and gentlemen. PC

Grey.

(PC Grey enters. He is wearing a

police helmet and boots, and a pair

of long shorts and a brightlycoloured

shirt.)

Black: Now. as you can see, there is no way

that you would know that PC Grey is

a police officer.

Brown: Except for the helmet.

Black: Except for the helmet.

Green: And the boots.

Black: And the boots. Except for the helmet,

and the boots, there is no way

that you would know that Police

Constable Grey is a police officer.

(PC Grey does not look very

pleased.)

Black: Now, Grey - tell these people what

it feels like to be a police officer with

no uniform.

Grey: It feels stupid.

Black: What?

Grey: It feels stupid, I mean, I'm a police

officer: I want to wear a uniform!

Grey: No uniform, no notebook, no whistle

and no truncheon! (The Inspector

blows his whistle.)

Black: That's enough. Grey.

SKETCHES 99

Grey: I don't want to walk the streets looking

like this!

Black: Grey! Get back in line!

Grey: Would you walk the streets looking

like this?

(The Inspector blows his whistle.

Grey gets back in line.)

Black: Green! Brown! Grey! It's time for

equipment demonstration.

Green-Brown-Grey: Equipment

demonstration!

Black: Now, every police officer has three

important pieces of equipment. A

whistle, a truncheon and a notebook.(

Green produces a whistle,

Brown produces a truncheon, Grey

produces a comic.)

Black: A notebook, Grey, not a comic.

Grey: They didn't give me a notebook.

Black: I see.

Grey: No uniform, no notebook. It's ridiculous!

(The inspector blows his whistle.)

Black: That's enough, Grey! Now, what are

these very important pieces of

equipment for? First of all, the whistle.

The whistle is used to attract the

attention of other police officers.

Like this:

(Green blows his whistle.)

Green: Oi!

(Brown blows her whistle.)

Brown: Oi!

(Grey has no whistle.)

Grey: No uniform, no notebook and no

whistle!

Black: And now, the truncheon. Green,

Brown, Grey - ready with your truncheons!

Green: Sir

Brown: Sir!

(Grey has no truncheon.)

Grey: No uniform, no notebook, no whistle

and no truncheon!

Black: Right! forget the truncheons, the

notebook, Green!

Green: Yes, Inspector?

Black: What is the notebook for?

Green: For making notes, Inspector.

Black: Very good, Green. Brown?

Brown: Yes, Inspector?

Black: Have you got anything in your notebook?

Brown: Yes, Inspector,

Black: Good, Read it.

Brown: Oh, All right. (Reading) ' "What I did

today", by Woman Police Constable

Brown, aged twenty-five...and a

half. Got up. Said "Hello" to Police

Constable Green, Made a cup of coffee

-

Black: Thank you, Brown. Grey?

Grey: Yes, Inspector?

Black: Have you got anything in your notebook?

Grey: (Holding up the comic) You mean

this?

Black: Yes

Grey: Yes, (Reading) "Mickey Mouse goes

for a picnic." On Saturday, Mickey

and his friends -

Black: Grey! I mean: Have you written anything

in it?

Grey: No.

Black: Why not?

Grey: Because they didn't give me a pen!!

Black: All right, all right, all right. Here you

are.

(The Inspector gives Grey a pen.)

Grey: Thank you, Inspector.

Black: Now, have you all got everything

you need? Whistle?

Green: Yes!

Brown: Yes!

Grey: No!

Black: Truncheon?

Green: Yes

Brown: Yes!

Grey: No!

Black:

Notebook?

Green: Yes!

Brown: Yes!

Grey: No!

Black: Boots?

Green: Yes!

Brown: Yes!

Grey: Yes!

Black: Helmet?

Green: Yes!

Brown: No!

Grey: Yes!

(Slightly confused)

Well, that

seems all right. Now it's time for

action!

Green-Brown-Grey: Action! Right!

Black: I want you to get out there, in the

street!

Green-Brown-Grey: In the street! Right!

Black: And find some criminals!

Green-Brown-Grey: Criminals! Right!

Black: And when you find them. You know

what to do!

Green-Brown-Grey: What?

Black: You arrest them!

Green-Brown-Grey: Arrest them! Right!

Black: And then there won't be any criminals

left!

Green-Brown-Grey: Right! Left! Right! Left!

Right! Left! Right!.

(They all march away)

􀂄

100 SKETCHES

The bus stop

Scene: A bus stop

Characters: an old lady, a robber, student, a

policeman

The robber is waiting at the bus stop. The old

lady joins him.

Old lady: Excuse me.

Robber: Yes?

Old lady: The 44.

Robber: The 44?

Old lady: Yes, The Number 44 bus. Does it

stop here?

Robber: I don't know.

(He looks at the notice on the bus

stop.)

Robber: Um...39...40...41...42...43...45.

No, it doesn't.

Old lady: Pardon?

Robber: The 44 doesn't stop here

Old lady: Oh, good.

Robber: Pardon?

Old lady: I said 'Oh, good'. I'm very

pleased.

Robber: What do you mean?

Old lady: I don't want to catch a 44.

(She laughs. The robber is not

pleased, and stands with his back

to her.)

Old lady: Excuse me again.

Robber: Yes?

Old lady: The 46.

Robber: The 46?

Old lady: Yes, The Number 46 bus. Does it

stop here?

Robber: Do you want to catch a 46?

Old lady: Um...Yes,

(The robber looks at the notice

again.)

Robber: 42, 43, 45...45A, 45B, 45C,

45D...46, Yes. Yes, the 46 stops

here.

Old lady: Oh, good.

Robber: Ah, here comes

a 46 now

(A bus passes

very fast.)

Old lady: It didn't stop!

Robber: I know

Old lady: But you said the

46 stopped here.

You're telling lies!

Robber: No, I'm not. That

one was full. Ah,

here comes another

one.

Old lady: A Number 1 ? I don't

want a Number 1. I

want a Number 46.

Robber: I didn't say 'A Number 1'. I said

'Another one'. Another Number

46.

Old lady: Oh, I see.

Robber: This one will stop.

(Another bus passes very fast.)

Old lady: It didn't stop!

Robber: I know.

(The robber stands with his back

to the old lady.)

Old lady: Excuse me again.

Robber: No!

Old lady: Pardon?

Robber: No! The 47 doesn't stop here.

Old lady: No, no, no.

Robber: Or the 48, or the 49, or the 50!

Old lady: No, you don't understand. I want

to ask you a question.

Robber: Oh, yes?

Old lady: Are you a doctor?

Robber: What?

Old lady: Are you a doctor?

Robber: No, I'm not.

Old lady: Are you sure you're not a doctor?

Robber: Yes, I am!

Old lady: Oh, you are a doctor!

Robber: No! I'm sure I am not a doctor!

Old lady: Oh. What a shame. You see, I've

got this terrible pain in my back

Robber: Well, I'm sorry. I am not a doctor.

I am a robber.

Old lady: A what?

Robber: A robber, a thief.

Old lady: Teeth? No, no, not my teeth - my

back. The pain's in my back. My

teeth are all right.

Robber: No! I didn't say 'teeth'. I said

'thief. Thief- robber! I am a robber.

Look - here's my card.

He gives her his card.

SKETCHES 101

Old lady: (Reading) 'Sam Poskins. Robber.

Banks a speciality.' Oh, you're a

robber.

Robber: That's right.

(He takes back his card.)

Old lady: Help!

Robber: What's the matter?

Old lady: Police!!

Robber: Stop it!

Old lady: Murder!!!

Robber: Look - be quiet. It's all right. I rob

banks. I don't rob people. And I

certainly don't rob old ladies.

Old lady: Old ladies!

Robber: Yes.

Old lady: Old ladies! I'm not an old lady.

I'm only 92.

Robber: Well, I don't care if you're 92 or

192. I am not going to rob you.

Old lady: I don't believe you.

Robber: What?

Old lady: I don't believe you're a robber.

Robber: Well, I am.

Old lady: No, no, no - impossible.

Robber: What do you mean?

Old lady: You're too small.

Robber: What do you mean - I'm 'too

small'? I am not too small.

Old lady: Yes, you are. You're much too

small.

Robber: No, I'm not. And anyway, I've got

a gun. Look!

(He takes out his gun.)

Old lady: Oh, yes. You've got a gun.

Robber: That's right.

Old lady: Help!

Robber: It's all right. It's not real.

Old lady: Not real?!

Robber: No

Old lady: You call yourself a robber! You're

too small, your gun isn't real, and

you can't even rob a 92-year-old

lady at a bus stop!

Robber: All right, all right, all right! I'll

show you. I will rob the next person

who comes to this bus stop.

Old lady: Oh, good!...Look - here comes

someone.

Robber: Right. Watch this.

(The student stands at the bus

stop, holding a book.)

Robber: Excuse me.

Student: Yes?

Robber: Put up your hands.

Student: I'm sorry. I don't speak English

Robber: Oh, Er...Give me your money.

Student: What?

Robber: Your money!

Student: Money?

Robber: Yes - money, money, money!

Student: Ah! No, it's not Money...it's

Tuesday.

Robber: No, no, no, I didn't say 'Monday'.

I said 'money'. Money!

Student: No, I told you - it isn't Money, it's

Tuesday. Look - it's in this book.

(The student opens the book.)

Student: (Monday, Tuesday...)

(The robber takes the book)

Robber: What is this book? 'English for all

situations'. Oh, good, He looks

through the book.

Robber: Um...'In a restaurant'...'On a

train... Ah, yes - this is it: 'Unit

16, The robbery,' Good, Look -

here. 'Dialogue 1: Give me your

money

(The student reads in the book

too.)

Student: Ah, money! Um...'Are you trying

to rob me?'

Robber: 'Yes, I am.

Student: 'Are you a robber?'

Robber: 'Yes, I am.'

Student: 'I will call a policeman,

Robber: 'No, you won't.

Student: 'Yes, I will.'

Robber: 'No, you won't. 'Policemen are

like buses. You can never find one

when you want one.

Student: 'No. you are wrong. There's a

policeman standing behind you.'

This is true.

Robber: Ha, ha! I don't believe that...Oh.

Policeman: Now, what's going on here?

Robber: Ah. Er...well...

(The robber, the student and

the old lady all talk at once.

The policeman blows his whistle.)

Policeman: Right. You can all come with

me to the station.

Robber: Oh, no!

Student: Oh, yes, 'Unit 17: The police station.'

Old lady: Station? I don't want to catch a

train. I want to catch a Number

46 bus.

Policeman: Not the railway station,

madam - the police station.

Old lady: Oh, the police station! Yes, I know

it. It's very near my house. Come

on, everybody!

(The robber, the student and the

old lady walk away, all talking at

once again. The policeman follows

them, blowing his whistle.)

􀂄

102 SKETCHES

A ticket to Birmingham

Scene: A Railway Station in Britain

Characters: A traveler, a British Rail

employee

The BR employee is sitting at a table, reading

a newspaper. The traveler comes in.

Traveler: Excuse me.

BR employee: Can I help you?

Traveler: Yes, I want a ticket.

BR employee: A ticket?

Traveler: Yes. I want a ticket to

Birmingham.

BR employee: A ticket to Birmingham?

Traveler: Yes.

BR employee: Why?

Traveler: Why what?

BR employee: Why do you want a ticket to

Birmingham?

Traveler: Well...

BR employee: Birmingham's a terrible

place! It's awful! If I were

you, I wouldn't go to

Birmingham.

Traveler: I live there.

BR employee: Now, Oxford's a very nice

place.

Traveler: I live there.

BR employee: Why don't you go to

Oxford?

Traveler: I live there!

BR employee: What? In Oxford?

Traveler: No! In Birmingham!

BR employee: Oh.

Traveler: And I want to go to

Birmingham today.

BR employee: Impossible.

Traveler: What?

BR employee: It's impossible. It'll take you

three days.

Traveler: Three days?

BR employee: Oh, yes. It'll take you at

least three days - walking.

Traveler: Walking?! I don't want to

walk to Birmingham!

BR employee: You don't want to walk?

Traveler: No

BR employee: Oh, I understand.

Traveler: Good.

BR employee: You want to run.

Traveler: Run?!

BR employee: You'll get very tired if you

run

Traveler: Listen -

BR employee: If I were you, I'd walk.

Traveler: I don't want to walk, and I

don't want to run. I want to

take the train.

BR employee: The train? Ha! You'll get

there much faster if you

walk.

Traveler: Now, don't be ridiculous. I

want a ticket for the next

train to Birmingham.

BR employee: The next train to

Birmingham?

Traveler: Yes. When is it?

BR employee: Pardon?

Traveler: What time is it?

BR employee: I don't know. I haven't got a

watch.

Traveler: No! I mean: What time is

the train? What time does

the train leave?

BR employee: Oh, I see. Sorry. I'll check.

He picks up the telephone

and dials a number.

BR employee: Take a seat.

Traveler: Thank you.

The traveler sits down.

BR employee: (On the phone) Hello?

Bert?.. Who's that? Oh,

hello, Charlie… Where's

Bert?...Is he? Oh, well, is

Eric there?...

Hello Eric?...Isn't Bert

there?...Oh, dear - very

sad. Is Arthur

there?...Hello?

Arthur?...Who? Oh, hello,

Charlie. Is Bert there?

(The traveler is getting

impatient.)

Traveler: Look - can you please find

out when the next train to

Birmingham leaves?

BR employee: Yes, all right. (On the

phone) Er...Charlie...Who's

that? Eric?...Oh, Arthur. Can

I speak to Dave?...Yes OK,

I'll hold on.

(The traveler is getting

more impatient.)

Traveler: Look!

BR employee: It's all right, I'm holding

on, (On the phone)

Dave?...Hello, Dave. This is

Sid. Very well, thanks - and

you?...Good, Listen, Dave,

there's something I must

SKETCHES 103

ask you. How's your wife?

Did she?

Traveler: The next train to

Birmingham!

BR employee: Oh, yes. (On the phone)

Dave, I've got a young man

here. When is the next train

to Birmingham? Yes... Yes...

Yes... Yes... Yes. Thanks,

Dave. Hold on.

Traveler: Well?

BR employee: He doesn't know.

Traveler: He doesn't know?

BR employee: No.

Traveler: Why not?

BR employee: Well, Dave doesn't work at

the station.

Traveler: He doesn't work at the station?!

BR employee: No. Dave works at the cafe

across the road. You should

never ask Dave about

trains.

Traveler: I didn't ask him. You asked

him!

BR employee: Eric's the one who knows

about trains.

Traveler: Well, ask Eric then.

BR employee: Right. (On the phone)

Er...Dave, can you put Eric

back on?...Eric?...Eric, I've

got a young man here. It's

about trains to

Birmingham. When is the

next one?...

Right...OK...Fine...

Super...Smashing...

Super... Fine... OK... Right.

Thanks, Eric. Bye. (He puts

down the telephone.)

Traveler: So, when is the train?

BR employee: The train, yes. Well, there's

a small problem.

Traveler: What's that?

BR employee: They can't find it.

Traveler: They can't find what?

BR employee: They can't find the train. It's

lost.

Traveler: Lost?!

BR employee: Well, it's not exactly lost.

They know where it is.

Traveler: Well, where is it?

BR employee: It's somewhere between

here and Birmingham.

Traveler: This is terrible.

BR employee: Yes, but it happens every

day. If I were you, I'd start

walking.

Traveler: But I'm in a hurry.

BR employee: Well, run then.

Traveler: I don't want to run.

BR employee: Well, take a taxi!

Traveler: I don't want to take a taxi!

(The telephone rings. The

traveler answers it.)

Traveler: Hello!!!...It's for you.

The BR employee takes the

telephone.

BR employee: Thank you (On the phone)

Hello? Sid speaking. Who's

that?...Eric! Hello! What is

it?...The train to

Birmingham?...What?

...Marvelous. Where was it?

At Platform 2? It was there

all the time. Amazing...OK,

Eric, I'll tell him. Bye. (He

puts down the telephone.)

BR employee: Well, there is a train to

Birmingham.

Traveler: Marvelous.

BR employee: It's at Platform 2.

Traveler: Wonderful.

BR employee: And it's leaving any minute

now.

Traveler: Oh, good. A second-class

single to Birmingham,

please.

BR employee: Pardon?

Traveler: Can you give me a secondclass

single to Birmingham?

BR employee: No. I can't.

Traveler: Why not?

BR employee: Well, this isn't the ticket

office.

Traveler: What?!

BR employee: The ticket office is next

door.

Traveler: Oh, no!

BR employee: What's the matter?

Traveler: I'm going to miss the train!

BR employee: Don't worry. You've got

plenty of time.

Traveler: Plenty of time? The train's

leaving any minute now.

BR employee: Yes, but there's no hurry.

Traveler: Why not?

BR employee: Because I'm the driver.

Traveler: You're the driver?!

BR employee: Yes. The train can't leave

without me, can it?

Traveler: No.

BR employee: Now, you come with me.

Traveler: Platform 2?

BR employee: No. Dave's cafe.

Traveler: Oh, right.

BR employee: We'll have a nice cup of tea

and a sandwich before we

go.

Traveler: Lovely.

BR employee: And I'll introduce you to

Dave and his wife. I think

you'll like them...

(They leave, chatting.)

􀂄

104 SKETCHES

Gerry Thatcher's party

Scene: A smart party

Characters: Gerry Thatcher (the host),

Maxwell (Gerry's butler),

Horace Smith-Amanda

Spencer (guests at the

party)

The doorbell rings. Maxwell opens the door.

Maxwell: Yes, sir?

Horace: Er...Hello, Is this Gerry

Thatcher's house?

Maxwell: Yes, sir.

Horace: Oh, good. I've got an invitation

to Gerry's party. My name's

Horace Smith.

Maxwell: In that case, please come in, sir.

Horace: Thank you.

Maxwell: Mr. Thatcher is in the lounge.

This way.

Horace: Er...Thank you

(They go into the lounge where

the party is in progress. Horace

sees Gerry.)

Horace: Er... Hello.

Gerry: George!

Horace: What?

Gerry: George Wilberforce!

Horace: Pardon?

Gerry: How are you, George?

Horace: Actually, I'm not

Gerry: Good, good, good!

Horace: No, just a minute -

Gerry: How's your wife?

Horace: I'm not married.

Gerry: Good, good, good!

(The doorbell rings again.)

Gerry: Maxwell, give George a drink, I'll

go to the door.

Maxwell: Yes, sir.

(Gerry opens the door.)

Amanda: Gerry!

Gerry: Amanda! How are you?

Amanda: Fine.

Gerry: Good, good, good! Come in,

come in, come in.

Amanda: Thank you.

(Gerry brings Amanda over to

Horace.)

Gerry: Amanda, I'd like you to meet

one of my oldest friends -

George Wilberforce.

Amanda: How do you do, George.

Horace: Actually, my name isn't George.

Gerry: Isn't it?

Horace: No.

Gerry: What is it, then?

Horace: It's Horace Smith, actually.

Gerry: Of course it is! Amanda, I'd like

you to meet one of my dearest

friends, Horace Smith-Actually.

Horace: It's just Smith, actually.

Gerry: That's what I said,

Amanda: I'm very pleased to meet you,

Mr Actually.

Horace: No, it's Smith, actually.

Amanda: Oh, yes. Mr. Smith-Actually.

Horace: No, no, no...My name isn't

Smith-Actually, actually. It's just

Smith, actually.

Gerry: I'm sure it is, Have a drink,

Amanda?

Amanda: Yes, Gerry.

Gerry: Come and have a look at the

garden.

Amanda: OK.

(Amanda goes into the garden

with Gerry.)

Maxwell: Your drink, sir.

Horace: Thank you. She's very nice, isn't

she?

Maxwell: Yes, sir. Very nice indeed,

Horace: I'd like to go out with her.

Maxwell: Would you, sir?

Horace: Yes, very much. The trouble is, I

never know what to say when I

meet people.

Maxwell: In that case, sir, I think you need

this book.

(Maxwell shows Horace a book.)

Horace: What is it?

Maxwell: 'English for all situations', sir. It's

full of useful expressions. Look -

'Unit I: In a restaurant.'...'Unit

2: On a train.'...'Unit 3: At a

party. Useful expressions in

English, when you meet someone

at a party.'

Horace: Wonderful.

Maxwell: (Reading) 'Are you doing anything

on Saturday night?'

Horace: No, I'm not, actually.

Maxwell: No, sir. That's the first question.

Try it.

Horace: Ah. Are you doing anything on

Saturday night?

Maxwell: Good. 'How about going to the

cinema?'

Horace: How about going to the cinema?

Maxwell: 'What time shall I pick you up?'

Horace: Pardon?

Maxwell: That's the next expression.

Horace: Ah. What time shall I pick you

up?

Maxwell: I think, sir, that you should suggest

doing something before

going to the cinema.

Horace: Good idea. What, for example?

SKETCHES 105

Maxwell: Well, going to a restaurant - an

Italian restaurant, perhaps.

Horace: OK

Maxwell: So you say: 'Do you like Italian

food?'

Horace: Do you like Italian food?

Maxwell: She'll say 'Yes', because everyone

likes Italian food. So you

say. 'So do I.'

Horace: So do I.

Maxwell: 'Let's have spaghetti alle vongole

before we go.'

Horace: Let's have spaghetti on a gondola

before we go.

Maxwell: Hmm...And finally you say: 'See

you on Saturday!'

Horace: See you on Saturday!

Maxwell: Good. Now let's practice.

Horace: Right. Um...Are you doing anything

on Saturday morning?

Maxwell: Night.

Horace: Oh, good night.

Maxwell: Saturday night, sir. Try again.

Horace: Are you doing anything on

Saturday night?

Maxwell: (In a high voice) No. I'm not.

Horace: What?...Oh, I see. Er...good.

How about going to the cinema?

Maxwell: (In a high voice) I'd love to.

Horace: What time...shall I pick you up?

Maxwell: (In a high voice) Eight o'clock?

Horace: Do you like Italian food?

Maxwell: (In a high voice) Yes, I love

Italian food.

Horace: So do I. Let's have...spaghetti

alle vongole before we go,

Maxwell: (In a high voice) That would be

lovely.

Horace: See you on Saturday!

Maxwell: Very good, sir. Now, take the

book, and have a little practice

before she comes back.

Horace: Right. Thank you.

(Horace concentrates on the

book. Gerry and Amanda come

back from the garden, laughing.)

Amanda: Oh, Gerry, you're awfully funny

Gerry: Yes, I know. Amanda?

Amanda: Yes, Gerry?

Gerry: Are you doing anything on

Saturday night?

Amanda: No, I'm not.

Gerry: Super! How about going to the

cinema?

Amanda: Oh, Gerry, that would be wonderful

Gerry: Super! What time shall I pick

you up?

Amanda: Eight o'clock?

Gerry: Super!

(The doorbell rings again.)

Gerry: It's all right, Maxwell - I'll go.

See you on Saturday, Amanda!

Amanda: OK, Gerry.

(Gerry goes to open the door.

Amanda goes over to Horace.)

Amanda: Oh, hello. I don't think we've

met.

Horace: Yes, we have Amanda, It's me

Horace

Amanda: Horace?

Horace: Yes, Horace Smith,

Amanda: Oh, yes - Mr. Actually.

(They laugh.)

Horace: Er... Amanda?

Amanda: Yes, Horace?

(Horace looks at the book.)

Horace: (Reading) 'Are you doing anything

on Saturday night?

Amanda: Yes, I am.

Horace: (Still reading) 'Good. How about

going to the cinema?'

Amanda: Actually, I'm going to the cinema

with Gerry on Saturday night,

Horace: 'What time shall I pick you up?'

Amanda: Horace, I'm going out with Gerry

on Saturday night,

Horace: 'Do you like Italian food?'

Amanda: No, I hate Italian food.

Horace: 'So do I, Let's have spaghetti on

a gondola before we go.'

Amanda: Oh, Horace, you are funny. Why

don't we go for a walk in the garden?

Horace: See you on Saturday!

Amanda: (Laughing) Oh, Horace

(They go into the garden)

􀂄

106 SKETCHES

The army

Scene: A British army base

Characters: 'A Captain, Private Large,

Private Small, Private Potter

The Captain, Private Large and Private Small

arrive, marching.

Captain: Left, right! Left, right! Left, right!

Halt! Attention!...Private Large!

Large: Sir!

Captain: Private Small!

Small: Sir!

Captain: Private Potter!... Private Potter!...

Where is Private Potter?

Large: I don't know, sir!

Small: Haven't seen him, sir!

Captain: Private Potter!!

(Potter arrives in not-very-military

style.)

Potter: Here I am! Hello! Sorry I'm a bit

late - I couldn't find my cap.

Captain: Get in line, Private Potter! Left,

right! Left, right! Left, right!

Attention!

(Potter is now in line with Large

and Small.)

Potter: (To Large and Small) Did you take

my cap?

Captain: Private Potter!

Potter: Yes?

Captain: Yes, sir.

Potter: Captain, you don't have to call

me 'sir' - I'm a private.

Captain: Private Potter, when you

speak to me, you call me

'sir'!

Potter: Oh, sorry, I

forgot...sir.

Captain: That's better. Now, I

want to talk to you.

In fact, I want to

talk to all of you.

You're in the

army, right?

Large -Small - Potter:

Right!

Captain: And in the army,

there are some things

you must do, and

some things you

mustn't do. Isn't that

right, Private Large?

Large: Pardon, sir?

Captain: In the army, there are

some things you

must do and some

things you mustn't

do.

Large: Yes, sir!

Captain: Give me an

example!

Large: I don't know, sir!

Captain: Private Large?

Large: Yes, sir!

Captain: You're an idiot!

Large: Thank you, sir!

Captain: Private Small!

Small: Yes, sir?

Captain: Give me an example!

Small: An example of what, sir?

Captain: An example of something you

must do in the army!

Small: Oh right, sir. Er...

Captain: Come on!

Small: You must get up in the morning,

sir!

Captain: What?

Small: You must get up in the morning,

sir!

Captain: No, Private Small, that's wrong.

Correct him, Private Potter.

Potter: You mustn't get up in the morning?

Captain: No!... Private Large!

Large: Yes, sir!

Captain: Did you hear Private Small's

example?

Large: Yes, sir!

Captain: It was wrong, wasn't it?

Large: Yes, sir!

Captain: Why was it wrong?

Large: I don't know, sir!

Captain: Private Large?

Large: Yes, sir?

Captain: You're still an idiot!

Large: Thank you, sir!

Captain: Listen. Getting up in the morning

is not just an army rule;

everyone has to get up in the

morning.

Potter: Not necessarily, sir. A lot of

people don't have to get up in

the morning.

Captain: You mean lazy people,

Private Potter?

Potter: No, not lazy people -

people who work at

nights.

Small: Or in the afternoon.

Large: Or in the evening!

Captain: Silence! All right, all

right. The rule in the

army is this: You must

get up at five, o'clock in

the morning. Isn't that

right. Private Large?

Large: Yes, sir!

Captain: Isn't that right, Private

Small?

Small: Yes, sir!

Captain: Isn't that right, Private

Potter?

Potter: Yes, sir!...But it's stupid.

Captain: What was that?

SKETCHES 107

Potter: It's stupid getting up at five

o'clock in the morning.

Captain: Why is it stupid getting up at five

o'clock in the morning, Private

Potter?

Potter: It's too early.

Captain: Too early?!

Potter: Yes. It's much too early.

Large: I agree, sir!

Small: So do I, sir!

Potter: Why can't we stay in bed until

seven o'clock?

Small: Or eight o'clock?

Large: Or lunchtime?

Captain: Silence! You have to get up at five

o'clock in the morning because -

Large -Small-Potter:Yes?

Captain: Because we may be attacked by

the enemy!

Large Small: Ah!

Potter: But that's also stupid.

Captain: What?

Potter: If the enemy know that we get up

at five o'clock

Large-Small: Yes?

Potter: They'll attack us at four o'clock.

Large-Small: Oh yes

Potter: So...if we stay in bed until twelve

o'clock midday

Large Small: Yes?

Potter: The enemy will come at eleven

o'clock!

Large-Small: Oh yes

Potter: And that's a much better time to

be attacked.

Large: I agree, sir!

Small: So do I, sir!

Potter: And another thing -

Captain: Silence! Private Potter, you are

wrong! You must get up at five

o'clock!

Potter: But why?

Captain: Because you're in the army. It's

an army rule. Now, can anybody

tell me something you mustn't do

in the army?

Small: Yes, sir!

Captain: Well done, Private Small. Let's

have your example. What mustn't

you do in the army?

Small: You mustn't cross the road, sir!

Captain: Eh?

Small: When the little man is red, sir!

Captain: What?

Small: You mustn't cross the road when

the little man is red, sir.

Captain: What little man, Private Small?

Small: The little man on the crossing, sir.

On the red light, sir.

Large: He's right, sir. You must wait until

the little man is green, sir.

Captain: Private Large!

Large: Yes, sir?

Captain: You know I said you were an

idiot...

Large: Yes, sir?

Captain: I was wrong,

Large: Thank you, sir!

Captain: You and Private Small are both

idiots!

Large-Small: Thank you, sir!

Captain: You mustn't cross the road when

the little man is red,' Do you really

think that's something you

mustn't do in the army?

Small: Yes, sir.

Captain: Private Small, you must understand

the difference between

general rules and army rules.

There are special rules just for

the army.

Large: Can you give us an example, sir?

Captain: Yes, Private Large - an example.

You must never give information

to enemy agents!

Large, Potter, Small: You must never give

information to enemy agents

Small: Excuse me, sir.

Captain: What is it, Small?

Small: How do you recognize an enemy

agent, sir?

Captain: Well, they are either men

Large, Potter, Small: Yes

Captain: Or women.

Large, Potter, Small: Oh

Captain: Some of them wear dark glasses-

Large, Potter, Small: Yes

Captain: Some of them wear ordinary

glasses -

Large, Potter, Small: Oh

Captain: And some of them -

Large, Potter, Small: Yes

Captain: Don't wear glasses at all!

(Large, Small and Potter panic.)

Captain: Silence! Now, what have we

learnt about life in the army?

Private Large!

Large: You must get up at five o'clock in

the morning, sir!

Captain: Correct. Private Small!

Small: You must never give information

to enemy agents, sir!

Captain: Correct. Private Potter!

Potter: You must always call the Captain

'sir'...sir.

Captain: Right! It's time for lunch. We can

all go down to the pub. And don't

forget the most important rule of

all.

Potter: What's that?

Captain: You must all buy me a drink! Left,

right! Left, right! Left, right!...

(They all march away.)

􀂄

108 SKETCHES

The dentist

Scene: A dentist's waiting-room

Characters: Two patients (a man and a

woman) a 'dentist', the real

dentist

The man and the woman are sitting in the

waiting-room. The woman is calm, but the

man is very nervous.

Man: Um....is he good?

Woman: Pardon?

Man: The dentist. Is he good?

Woman: I don't know,

Man: You don't know?

Woman: No. I haven't seen him before.

He's new.

Man: New!?

Woman: Yes, It's his first day.

Man: Oh…This is my first visit, you

know.

Woman: Oh, really?

Man: It's the first time I've been here.

Woman: Oh.

Man: Don't you understand? It's the

first time I've been to the dentist

in my life!

Woman: I see.

(The man looks at his watch.)

Man: He's late, isn't he?

Woman: Well, it is his first day.

Man: Oh well, perhaps I won't wait. I

can come back tomorrow...or the

next day.

(They hear the dentist coming.)

Woman: Ah. Here he comes now,

Man: (Disappointed) Oh, good.

(The 'dentist' comes in, carrying a

large bag.)

'Dentist': Ah, good morning, good morning,

good morning. Sorry I'm late.

Now, who's first?

Woman: He was here first.

Man: Oh no, after you.

Woman: No, no, you were before me.

Man: No, no, ladies first.

'Dentist': Now, now, what seems to be the

matter?

Man: I've got a bad tooth.

Woman: So have I.

'Dentist': Well. I can do you both at the

same time.

Man-Woman: Both at the same time?

'Dentist': Yes. I've got two pieces of string.

Look!

Woman: String? To take out a tooth? Have

you done that before?

'Dentist': Not on people, no. But I tried it

this morning on the cat.

Woman: And was the cat all right?

'Dentist': Oh, yes! It got up, ran across the

room, and jumped out of the window.

And we live on the thirteenth

floor.

Woman: The thirteenth floor?

'Dentist': Don't worry, the cat's not superstitious.

Man: But dentists don't use string to

take out teeth!

'Dentist': Don't they? What do you want,

then?

Man: Well, to begin with, I'd like an

anesthetic.

'Dentist': Oh, you'd like an anesthetic,

would you?Just a minute.

(He takes a hammer out of his

bag.)

'Dentist': Ah, yes. Here we are.

Woman: What's that?

'Dentist': A hammer.

Man: Ah! Is that the anesthetic?

'Dentist': I'm not sure. It's the first time

I've given an anesthetic. Sit still.

(He hits the table; this frightens

the man, who faints.)

Man: Oh! Ohh!

'Dentist': Oh, it works!

(He puts the hammer down.)

SKETCHES 109

'Dentist': Now, madam, what's the matter

with you?

Woman: I've got a pain.

'Dentist': Where?

Woman: In my mouth.

'Dentist': Yes, I know it's in your mouth,

but which tooth?

Woman: This one here.

'Dentist': Ah yes, a molar.

Woman: What are you going to do?

'Dentist': I'm going to take it out.

Woman: How?

'Dentist': I don't know.

Woman: You don't know?

'Dentist': No. This is the first time I've

taken out a molar. In fact, it's the

first time I've taken out a tooth.

Woman: The first time you've taken out a

tooth!

'Dentist': Yes. This is a very important day

for me - my first extraction. Now,

where's that hammer?

Woman: Listen, I don't want the hammer

and I don't want the string. I

want you to take my tooth out

with a pair of...

'Dentist': A pair of scissors?

Woman: No.

'Dentist': A pair of socks?

Woman: No.

'Dentist': A pair of trousers?

Woman: No

'Dentist': Oh. Just a minute.

(He looks inside his bag, and

takes out a large pair of forceps.)

'Dentist': These?

Woman: Yes, I suppose so.

'Dentist': Right then. Open your mouth

Woman: But what about the anesthetic?

'Dentist': Oh yes. Pass me the hammer.

Woman: I don't want the hammer! I want

a proper anesthetic. I want an

injection.

'Dentist': An injection?

Woman: Yes.

'Dentist': Just a minute

He looks inside his bag again, and

takes out a large syringe.

'Dentist': Ah yes, this is for injections, isn't

it? How does it work?

Woman: Well, you're the dentist. Don't you

know?

'Dentist': No, It's the first time I've used

one of these. Oh well, I'll have a

try. Open your mouth!

Woman: Er, no... I don't think you really

know... er... no, no, I'll come back

another day. I...

(The man wakes up.)

Man: Where am I? Hey, what are you

doing?

'Dentist': I'll be with you in a moment, sir.

Now, just sit still, madam...

Man: No, no, stop that! You're

absolutely crazy!

Woman: I agree. He's absolutely crazy,

completely mad. Let's get out of

here.

Man: Oh yes, good idea.

'Dentist': So you don't want me to take out

that molar?

Woman: Certainly not (To the man) Come

on

Man: Yes, Good idea.

(The man and the woman leave.)

'Dentist': Hmm, that worked very' well.

(He puts his things into the bag,

laughing to himself.)

'Dentist': 'But dentists don't use string to

take out teeth! 'Oh, you'd like an

anesthetic, would you?'

(The real dentist arrives.)

Dentist: Oh, good morning. Sorry I'm late.

It's my first day. It's the first time

I've been here. Are you the only

one?

'Dentist': Yes, there's just me

Dentist: Right. You can come straight in,

then.

'Dentist': Oh, good, I hate having to wait.

􀂄

110 SKETCHES

Mr. Williams and the

postman

Scene: The front door of 65

Shakespeare Avenue, early

one morning

Characters: A postman, Mr. Henry

Williams, Mrs. Agnes Williams

The postman walks up to the front door. He

knocks at the door and rings the bell.

Postman: Good morning! Hello! Wake up!

Mr. Williams opens the door.

Postman: Ah, good morning!

Henry: Good morning.

Postman: Mr. Williams?

Henry: Yes.

Postman: Mr. H. Williams?

Henry: That's right.

Postman: Mr. Henry Williams of 65

Shakespeare Avenue?

Henry: Sixty-five? Er...yes. Have you got

anything for me?

Postman: No.

Henry: No?

Postman: No.

Henry: Then why did you wake me up?

Postman: It's part of my job.

Henry: What? Waking people up?

Postman: Yes. It's a new service from the

Post Office.

Henry: Hmmm. Listen - you're a postman.

Postman: Yes.

Henry: And postmen bring letters.

Postman: Yes.

Henry: But you haven't brought any for

me.

Postman: Wait a minute, Mr. Williams. I'm

sure I can find something for you.

Um...

(He takes three letters out of his

bag.)

Postman: Ah yes, here we are. Three letters.

Which one would you like?

The red one, the white one, or the

blue one?

Henry: But those letters aren't for me.

Postman: No, Mr. Williams, but this is

another new service from the

Post Office - a new service for all

those unhappy, unfortunate people

who never get any letters.

Henry: Oh

Postman: And you, Mr. Williams, you never

get any letters, do you?

Henry: No, I don't.

Postman: All right then, which one would

you like? The red one, the white

one, or the blue one?

Henry: Mm...I'll have the red one,

please.

Postman: The red one is yours - if you can

answer a simple question.

Henry: A question?

Postman: Yes. Where does Queen Elizabeth

the Second of England live?

Henry: Why? Have you got a letter for

her?(He laughs.)

Postman: No, Mr. Williams. That was the

question. Where does Queen

Elizabeth the Second of England

live?

Henry: Ah. Where does Queen Elizabeth

live?

Postman: Yes.

Henry: I don't know.

Postman: Mr. Williams! It's easy! B-B-BBuck

-

Henry: Oh, yes! Buckingham Hotel.

Postman: No, no! Palace!

Henry: Palace Hotel.

Postman: No!

Henry: I know! Buckingham Palace!

Postman: That's right! You've won the red

envelope!

Henry: Oh, thank you! This is very exciting!

(Mr. Williams opens the red envelope.)

Henry: There's nothing in it.

Postman: No, there's never anything in the

red one.

Henry: This is ridiculous!

Postman: No, it isn't. There are still two

more envelopes.

Henry: Yes, but is there anything in

them?

Postman: Of course there is.

Henry: All right. The blue one.

Postman: Very well, Mr. Williams. Here is

the question for the blue envelope.

What is the approximate

population of Great Britain?

Henry: Er...thirty-five million?

Postman: No. Higher.

Henry: Eighty-five million?

Postman: No. Lower.

SKETCHES 111

Henry: Fifty-five million people!

Postman: is the correct answer! You've won

the white envelope!

Henry: I don't want the white one. I want

the blue one.

Postman: Oh, go on. Take the white one.

Henry: I don't want the white one!

Postman: Oh, all right. Here's the blue one.

Henry: Thank you.

(Mr. Williams opens the blue

envelope.)

Henry: Hmm. Just a piece of paper.

Postman: What does it say?

Henry: It says: 'You should have taken

the white one.'

Postman: I told you,

Henry: This is very silly. I'm going back

to bed.

Postman: Wait a minute, Mr. Williams.

Today's star prize is in the white

envelope.

Henry: The star prize?

Postman: Yes.

Henry: All right then, ask me the question.

Postman: Now listen carefully. If a man

walks at five miles an hour, in the

same direction as a car which is

traveling at thirty miles an hour,

how long will it take for the car to

be 107 miles from the man?

Henry: Eh?

Postman: Mr. Williams! Concentrate! If a

man walks at five miles an hour,

in the same direction as a car

which is traveling at thirty miles

an hour, how long will it take for

the car to be 107 miles from the

man?

Henry: I don't know. Three days?

Postman: No, no. Mr. Williams. Look, why

don't you ask your wife to help

you?

Henry: All right. Agnes!

Agnes: Yes?

Henry: Come here!

Agnes: All right. I'm coming.

(Mrs. Williams comes to the

door.)

Postman: Ah, good morning, Mrs. Williams

Agnes: What's going on?

Henry: I'm trying to win the white one,

Agnes.

Agnes: The white what?

Henry: The white envelope. I've already

won the red one and the blue

one.

Agnes: Henry, what are you talking

about?

Henry: It's a competition. We answer

questions and win prizes - and

the star prize is in the white envelope.

Postman: And here is the question for the

white envelope. If a man walks at

five miles an hour, in the same

direction as a cat which is traveling

at thirty miles an hour, how

long will it take for the car to be

107 miles from the man?

Agnes: That's easy. Four hours, sixteen

minutes and forty-eight seconds.

Postman: Four hours, sixteen minutes and

forty-eight seconds is the correct

answer! You have won today's

star prize. Here you are.

Agnes: Ooh, thank you!

Henry: Well done, Agnes,

(Mrs. Williams opens the white

envelope.)

Henry: What is it?

Agnes: It's just a piece of paper.

Postman: No, it isn't.

Henry: Yes, it is. Look! Just another piece

of paper!

(They give the postman back the

envelope and paper.)

Postman: But, Mr. Williams....Mrs.

Williams...

Henry: Stop wasting our time. Come on,

Agnes; let's go back to bed,

Postman: But come back! I can explain!

(Mr. and Mrs. Williams go back

into the house.)

Postman: I'm sure it's not just another

piece of paper. There's always a

prize in the white one. Let's have

a look....It's a cheque...for £500!

Mr. Williams! Mrs. Williams!

Henry: Go away!

Postman: But Mr. Williams, you've won the

star prize!

Henry: Go away!!

Postman: Oh...Well, if Mr. Williams doesn't

want the £500, I think I'll keep

it...It's a lovely day today...

􀂄

112 SKETCHES

Tourist information

Scene: A tourist information office at an

international airport in England

Characters: Rita, the tourist information officer,

an Australian tourist

Rita is behind her desk, on which

there is a sign saying 'Rita's Tourist

Information Office'. The tourist

arrives.

Tourist: G'day

Rita: Pardon?

Tourist: G'day!

Rita: Sorry, sir, I only speak English.

Tourist: I am speaking English. 'Good day.''

It's Australian. It's Australian for

'Hello'.

Rita: Is it?

Tourist: Yes.

Rita: Oh, I see. 'G'day'

Tourist: (Holding out his hand) Wallaby.

Rita: Pardon?

Tourist: Wallaby.

Rita: Ah! (Shaking his hand) 'Wallaby'

Tourist: No, no, no. Wallaby is my name.

Rita: Oh, I see. Pleased to meet you, Mr.

Wallaby.

Tourist: I've come from Sydney.

Rita: Sydney?

Tourist: Yes,

Rita: Sydney who?

Tourist: What?

Rita: Sydney Watt? Who's Sydney Watt?

Tourist: No, no - Sydney is in Australia.

Rita: Sydney's in Australia.

Tourist: Yes.

Rita: Oh, I see. So he couldn't come to

England.

Tourist: What?

Rita: You've come, but Sydney hasn't

Tourist: No, no, no, no! Sydney is the place

where I live.

Rita: Oh, I see.

Tourist: At last!

Rita: Sydney is the name of your house.

Tourist: (Giving up) Yes, all right.

Rita: So which town do you come from?

Tourist: Sydney!!

Rita: So Sydney is the name of your

house and the name of your town!

What a coincidence! So how can I

help you?

Tourist: I'd like some information.

Rita: Some information?

Tourist: Yes, some tourist information.

Rita: OK, sir. Welcome to Rita's Tourist

Information Office. I can answer all

your questions.

Tourist: Good.

Rita: But it will cost you five pounds.

Tourist: Pardon me?

(Rita toots a horn and reveals a

sign saying '£5')

Rita: Five pounds. Ask me anything you

like, the questions are five pounds

each.

Tourist: Five pounds each?

Rita: Was that a question?

Tourist: Yes.

(Rita toots the horn again and

changes the sign to '£10'.)

Rita: That's ten pounds.

Tourist: Just a minute! Do I have to pay you

five pounds for every question?

(Rita toots the horn again and

changes the sign to '£15'.)

Rita: Pardon?

Tourist: I said: Do I have to pay you five

pounds for every question?

(Rita toots the horn again and

changes the sign to '£20'.)

Rita: Yes, sir.

Tourist: But is this normal?

(Rita toots the horn again and

changes the sign to '£25'.)

Rita: Oh yes, sir. It's quite normal.

Tourist: Is it?

(Rita toots the horn again and

changes the sign to '£30'.)

SKETCHES 113

Rita: Yes, sir.

Tourist: No, come on - this is a joke, isn't it?

(They both laugh. Then Rita toots

the horn again and changes the

sign to '£35'.)

Rita: No, sir.

Tourist: Look - all I want is some information.

Rita: What did you say?

(Rita toots the horn again and

changes the sign to '£40'.)

Tourist: I said - Wait a minute! I didn't ask

a question then.

Rita: Didn't you?

(Rita toots the horn again and

changes the sign to '£45'.)

Tourist: Look! You've just asked two questions

and I'm paying for them.

Rita: OK, I'm sorry, sir. You can have two

free questions.

Tourist: Can I?

Rita: That's one.

Tourist: Er...now, what do I want to know?

Rita: And that's two.

Tourist: Look, what is going on here?!

(Rita toots the horn again and

changes the sign to '£50'.)

Rita: Fifty pounds! Congratulations, sir.

You now owe me fifty pounds. Now,

you can pay me the fifty pounds or

you can answer one simple question

and double the fifty pounds to

one hundred pounds!

Tourist: (Confused) Er.

Rita: Here's the question: How old are

you?

Tourist: Twenty-six.

(Rita toots the horn.)

Rita: is the correct answer!

(She changes the sign to '£100'.)

Rita: You now owe me one hundred

pounds!

(The tourist gives her £100.)

Tourist: There you are.

Rita: Thank you, sir.

(Rita removes the £100 sign.)

Rita: Enjoy your stay in England.

Tourist: Thank you.

(The tourist starts to leave but then

comes back.)

Tourist: Wait a minute - I haven't had any

information yet

Rita: Don't worry, sir. Ask me anything

you like - but don't forget: it

costs...

Tourist: ...five pounds a question.

Rita: Right. Five pounds a question.

Tourist: Er...Can you tell me

(Rita is going to toot the horn.)

Tourist: No, no, no, no.. .Do you know

(Rita is again going to toot the

horn.)

Tourist: - no, no, no. no, no...Ah. Five

pounds a question. Right. I'd like to

rent a car.

Rita: You'd like to rent a car?

Tourist: Yes. And I'd like you to tell me

where I can do it.

Rita: You'd like to rent a car?

Tourist: Yes.

Rita: Well, sir, there is a car rental company

in the airport.

Tourist: Good (Looking around) and it's -

Rita: right here!

(Rita changes the 'Tourist

Information Office' sign to a 'Renta-

Car' sign.)

Rita: Welcome to Rita's Rent-a-Car.

Tourist: Oh.

Rita: We have cars from all over the

world. And I have here, in my

hand, the keys to a Rolls-Royce.

Tourist: A Rolls-Royce! Yes, please!

Rita: (Giving him the keys) Here you are,

that's fifty pounds.

Tourist: (Giving her the money) Here you

are, Fifty pounds for a Rolls-Royce!

Rita: No, sir. It's fifty pounds for the

keys.

Tourist: Oh.

Rita: Now, sir - do you have any more

questions?

Tourist: Well, I've only got five pounds left.

Rita: So you can have one more question.

What would you like to know?

Tourist: What time is the next plane back to

Australia?

(Rita toots the horn.)

Rita: I don't know, sir.

(Rita takes his £5 note.)

Rita: Thank you very much. Goodbye.

􀂄

114 SKETCHES

The bank

Scene: The manager's office in a bank

Characters: Miss D. Posit: the bank manager,

Monica: Miss Posit's secretary,

Mr. Moore: a customer,

a bank robber

(Miss Posit is sitting on her desk. The intercom

buzzes.)

Miss Posit: Yes, Monica?

Monica: Miss Posit, there's a gentlemen

to see you. Mr. Moore.

Miss Posit: Ah, yes. Mr. Moore. Bring him in

please, Monica.

Monica: Yes, Miss Posit.

(Monica brings Mr. Moore in.)

Miss Posit: Good morning, Mr. Moore.

Mr. Moore: Good morning.

Miss Posit: Thank you, Monica,

(Monica leaves the office.)

Miss Posit: Do sit down, Mr. Moore.

Mr. Moore: Thank you.

(He sits down.)

Miss Posit: Now, Mr. Moore, the situation is

like this. Your account is in the

red.

Mr. Moore: Pardon?

Miss Posit: In the red.

Mr. Moore: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Miss Posit: In the red. Overdrawn.

Mr. Moore: Overdrawn. No, I'm sorry, I've

never heard that word before in

my life.

Miss Posit: It's very simple, Mr. Moore. It

means that you've taken more

money out of the bank than

you've put in.

Mr. Moore: Oh, I see. Thank you very much.

Miss Posit: I don't think you quite understand,

Mr. Moore. It means that

you've put in less than you've

taken out.

Mr. Moore: Oh!

Miss Posit: Your account is overdrawn. £200

overdrawn.

Mr. Moore: £200 overdrawn. I see. Well,

don't worry. I can put that right

immediately.

Miss Posit: Oh, good.

Mr. Moore: Yes, I'll write you a cheque, shall

I?

(He takes out his cheque-book

and begins to write.)

Mr. Moore: Now... two hundred pounds...

Miss Posit: Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore, if you

write me a cheque for £200,

you'll be overdrawn more, Mr.

Moore.

Mr. Moore: I beg your pardon?

Miss Posit: More, Mr. Moore. M-O-R-E, more

Mr. Moore: No, no...double-O...M-double-OR-

E, Mr. Moore. It is my name.

Miss Posit: Mr. Moore, I don't think you

quite understand the situation.

You see -

(The robber comes in suddenly.)

Robber: Nobody move!

Miss Posit: you see, if you write me a

cheque for £200 -

Robber I said: 'Nobody move!

Miss Posit: Can I help you?

Robber: That's better. You

Mr. Moore: Me?

Robber: Yes. Read this.

(He gives Mr. Moore a note.)

Mr. Moore: Oh. OK. Er... (Reading) Two

pounds of tomatoes, six eggs,

and a packet of chocolate biscuits.'

Robber: No, no, no. The other side.

Mr. Moore: Oh, sorry. Er,..(Reading) 'Give

me all your...honey, or I'll...kiss

you.'

Robber: Not honey - money.

Mr. Moore: Oh, sorry. (Reading) 'Give me all

your money, or I'll kiss you.'

Robber: Not kiss - kill

Mr. Moore: Oh. Er...Miss Posit, I think this is

for you.

(He gives the note to Miss Posit.)

Miss Posit: (Reading) Give me all your

money, or I'll kill you.' I see.

Would you sit down for a

moment?

Robber: Sit down?

Miss Posit: Yes, I'm very busy at the

moment. Please sit over there.

Robber: But

Miss Posit: I'll be with you in a moment.

(The robber sits down.)

Miss Posit: Now, Mr. Moore. How much do

you earn?

Mr. Moore: £35 a week.

Robber: Excuse me.

Miss Posit: Just one moment, please!...So

you earn £35 a week. How much

do you spend?

Mr. Moore: £70 a week.

Robber: Excuse me -

Miss Posit: One moment, please!!...£70 a

week. So you spend twice as

much as you earn.

Mr. Moore: Yes, I earn half as much as I

spend.

Miss Posit: How do you do it?

Mr. Moore: It's easy. I use my cheque-book.

Miss Posit: Exactly, Mr. Moore!

Robber: Excuse me.

Miss Posit: Yes!!

Robber: I make £2,000 a week.

SKETCHES 115

Miss Posit: £2,000 a week? And how much

do you spend?

Robber: £1,000 a week.

Miss Posit: Really? So you save £1,000 a

week.

Robber: Yes.

Miss Posit : (Very politely) Would you like to

sit here?

Robber: Thank you.

Miss Posit: Mr. Moore, would you sit over

there for a moment?

(The robber and Mr. Moore

change places.)

Miss Posit: So you save £1,000 a week.

Robber: Yes.

Miss Posit: Tell me...where do you keep this

money?

Robber: Here. In this bag.

(He puts a large bag full of

money on the desk.)

Miss Posit: Oh. Oh, yes. Very nice.

Um...would you like to open an

account, Mr....?

Robber: Mr. Steele.

Miss Posit: Steele. I see. S-T-double E-L-E?

Robber: Yes, that's right.

Miss Posit: Well, just excuse me one

moment, Mr. Steele, and I'll get

the necessary papers.

Robber: Certainly.

Mr. Moore: Excuse me...

Robber: Yes?

Mr. Moore: You make £2,000 a week.

Robber: Yes.

Mr. Moore: How do you do it?

Robber: I rob banks.

Mr. Moore: Oh, I see. You rob banks and

steal the money.

Robber: Yes

Mr. Moore: How do you do it?

Robber: It's easy. You take a gun.

Mr. Moore: I haven't got a gun.

Robber: Oh...well, borrow mine.

Mr. Moore: Thank you very much.

(Mr. Moore takes the gun and

fires it.)

Robber: Be careful! You take a gun and

you take a note.

Mr. Moore: Oh, yes, the note. That's very

good. I like that. (Reading) Two

pounds of tomatoes, six eggs

Robber: The other side!

Mr. Moore: Oh, yes. (Reading)

'Give me all your

honey, or I'll kiss

you!'

Robber: 'Money' and 'kill'

Mr. Moore: Oh, yes.

Robber: You take

the note,

go into the bank,

and put the note

on the bank

manager's desk.

Mr. Moore: Is that all?

Robber: Yes. Mr. Moore.

Mr. Moore: I see.

(Miss Posit comes back into the

office.)

Miss Posit: Ah. yes. Now, Mr. Steele

Mr. Moore: Give me all your honey...money,

or I'll kiss...kill you.

Miss Posit: Money, Mr. Moore? Certainly.

Take this bag.

(She gives Mr. Moore the robber's

bag.)

Mr. Moore: Oh, thank you. That was easy.

Robber: Yes, but

Miss Posit: Mr. Moore, your account is still

£200 overdrawn.

Mr. Moore: Oh, yes. Well...um...Here you

are.

(He gives her £200 from the

robber's bag.)

Mr. Moore: £50... £ 100... £ I 50.. .£200.

Robber: But... But...

Miss Posit: Thank you, Mr. Moore.

Mr. Moore: Goodbye.

(Mr. Moore leaves.)

Miss Posit: Now, Mr. Steele - your account

Robber: But...But...But...

Miss Posit: Mr. Steele...

Robber: Just a minute! I think something's

gone wrong. Hey, you!

Come back! Bring back my

money - and my gun! Come

back!

(He runs after Mr. Moore.)

Miss Posit: (On the intercom) Monica, would

you bring me some coffee,

please? Some strong black coffee...

􀂄

116 SKETCHES

The Superlative vacuum

cleaner

Scene: The hall of a house

Characters: A vacuum cleaner salesman, a

housewife

The salesman rings the doorbell several

times.

Housewife: Yes, I'm coming.

(She opens the door.)

Housewife: Good morning.

Salesman: Good morning, young lady. Is

your mother in?

Housewife: My mother? I'm the mother in

this house. What do you want?

Salesman: Dust, madam.

Housewife: Dust?

Salesman: Yes, madam. Dust.

Housewife: I haven't got any dust.

Salesman: Oh yes you have!

(He shakes dust onto the floor

from a paper bag.)

Salesman: All over your carpet!

Housewife: Hey! I've just cleaned this carpet!

Why are you putting dust

all over it?

Salesman: Don't worry, madam. I've got

the answer to all your problems

here! The Superlative vacuum

cleaner!

Housewife: The Superlative vacuum cleaner!

Why's it called 'Superlative'?

Salesman: Because, madam, everything

about it is superlative. It's the

quickest, the cleanest, the

cheapest, the smallest, the

smartest, the most economical,

the most effective, the most

beautiful, the most revolutionary

vacuum cleaner in the

world. And it's only £65.

Housewife: Are you trying to sell me a vacuum

cleaner?

Salesman: Yes, madam.

Housewife: Well, go on, then.

Salesman: I've finished, madam.

Housewife: Finished? You haven't said very

much. What sort of a vacuum

cleaner salesman are you?

Salesman: Not a very good one, I'm afraid.

Housewife: I can see that.

Salesman: No, I'm a very bad vacuum

cleaner salesman. In fact, I'm

the worst salesman in our company.

Housewife: The worst?

Salesman: The worst, I sometimes think

I'm the worst vacuum cleaner

salesman in the world.

Housewife: Oh, dear. Do you like your job?

Salesman: Like my job? No, madam, I

detest my job. It's the most

boring job in the world. Every

day it's the same: 'Good morning,

young lady. Is your mother

in?...The Superlative vacuum

cleaner...The quickest, the

cleanest, the cheapest, the

smallest...'

Housewife: Well, is it the quickest?

Salesman: No, it's probably the slowest.

Housewife: Is it the cleanest?

Salesman: Cleanest? Don't make me

laugh! I don't think there's a

dirtier vacuum cleaner on the

market. And it certainly isn't the

cheapest either.

Housewife: No, no, no. This is no good at

all.

Salesman: Pardon?

Housewife: Look, do you want to sell this

vacuum cleaner or don't you?

Salesman: I suppose so.

Housewife: Well, your sales technique is all

wrong.

Salesman: Is it?

Housewife: Yes. I could sell vacuum cleaners

better than you,

Salesman: No, you couldn't.

Housewife: Yes, I could. I'll show you. You

come into the house, and I'll

ring the bell and sell the vacuum

cleaner to you.

Salesman: You'll sell the vacuum cleaner to

me?

Housewife: Yes.

Salesman: OK. But it isn't as easy as you

think.

Housewife: We'll see. Go inside and shut

the door.

SKETCHES 117

Salesman: All right,

(The salesman goes into the

house and closes the door. The

housewife rings the bell. The

salesman opens the door.)

Salesman: Not today, thank you,

(He closes the door. The housewife

rings the bell again. The

salesman opens the door again,

and speaks in a high voice.)

Salesman: Yes?

Housewife: Hello!

Salesman: Hello,

Housewife: My goodness me, what a beautiful

house you've got!

Salesman: Ooh, do you like it?

Housewife: Like it? It's the most beautiful

house I've seen for a long time.

Salesman: Thank you very much, may I

come in?

Salesman: Er ..

Housewife: Thank you, Oh, what a colorful

carpet!

Salesman: Yes, it's lovely, isn't it?

Housewife: It's the most colorful carpet I've

seen. I should think it was

expensive.

Salesman: The most expensive one in the

shop.

Housewife: And I suppose you've got a very

good vacuum cleaner to look

after it.

Salesman: A vacuum cleaner? No, I

haven't.

Housewife: You haven't got a vacuum

cleaner?

Salesman: No.

Housewife: Well, madam, this is your lucky

day, because I have here the

best vacuum cleaner that

money can buy: the Superlative

vacuum cleaner.

Salesman: Is it really good?

Housewife: Good? Good? It's the...the...

Salesman: (In his own voice) Quickest

Housewife: ...the quickest, the...

Salesman: Cleanest,

Housewife: ...the cleanest, the cheapest,

the smallest, the smartest, the

most economical, the most

effective, the most beautiful,

the most revolutionary vacuum

cleaner in the world.

Salesman: (In a high voice again) Ooh!

How much is it?

Housewife: Just £65 to you, madam

Salesman: I'll buy one.

Housewife: Good

Salesman: (In his own voice) Er...where's

the money?

Housewife: It's in my handbag on the

kitchen table.

Salesman: Oh, right. (In the high voice) I'll

just go and get some money.

He goes to the kitchen to get

the money.

Housewife: Good idea, madam. You've

made the right decision.

(The salesman comes back,

speaking in his own voice.)

Salesman: Do you know, you're a fantastic

saleswoman.

Housewife: Ooh!

Salesman: You've got a fantastic sales

technique.

Housewife: Do you think so?

Salesman: Yes, you've got the best sales

technique I've seen all day.

Housewife: Thank you!

Salesman: Thank you, madam.

(He leaves and closes the door.)

Salesman: (Speaking to himself, counting

the money) Ten, twenty, thirty,

forty, fifty, sixty, sixty-five. Now

that's the way to sell a vacuum

cleaner.

􀂄

118 SKETCHES

Superman and the

psychiatrist

Scene: A psychiatrist's consulting

room

Characters: A psychiatrist, Angela (the

psychiatrist's receptionist), Mr.

Wilkins, Superman

The receptionist comes in.

Psychiatrist: Who's next, Angela?

Receptionist: There's a man to see you, doctor.

His name is Wilkins. He

says he can't talk quietly. He

can only shout.

Mr. Wilkins: Can I come in?!!

Psychiatrist: Hmm. Yes, I see. Ask him to

come in.

Receptionist: Come in, Mr. Wilkins.

(He comes in. The receptionist

goes out.)

Mr. Wilkins: Thank you! Hello, doctor. Sorry

to trouble you.

Psychiatrist: That's all right, Mr. Wilkins. Do

sit down. Now... what seems

to be the trouble?

Mr. Wilkins: Er...Well, doctor, I can't talk

quietly, I can only shout.

Psychiatrist: (Shouting) How long have you

been like this?

Mr. Wilkins: Pardon?

Psychiatrist: (Back to normal) How long

have you been like this

Mr. Wilkins: About a week.

Psychiatrist: Well, don't worry. I think

you've got a very nice shouting

voice.

Mr. Wilkins: But I can't go on like this. I'll

lose my job.

Psychiatrist: What is your job?

Mr. Wilkins: I'm a librarian. I work in a

library. I can't shout at work,

you know.

Psychiatrist: In that case, Mr. Wilkins, I

think you should change your

job.

Mr. Wilkins: But what can I do? No one

wants a man who can only

shout.

Psychiatrist: You could get a job as an

English teacher.

Mr. Wilkins: An English teacher?

Psychiatrist: Yes, they shout all the time.

Mr. Wilkins: All right, doctor. I'll do that.

Goodbye.

Psychiatrist: Goodbye, Mr. Wilkins.

(He leaves, still shouting.)

Mr. Wilkins: Hey, you! Write down this

verb!

Receptionist: Goodbye, Mr. Wilkins.

The receptionist comes back

into the room.

Receptionist: Is Mr. Wilkins all right, doctor?

Psychiatrist: Yes. He's going to be an

English teacher.

Receptionist: Oh.

Psychiatrist: Who's next?

Receptionist: Superman.

Psychiatrist: Superman?

Receptionist: Yes.

Psychiatrist: Oh, I see,. someone who

thinks he's Superman.

Receptionist: No, doctor. He really is

Superman.

Psychiatrist: What? The big, strong man

who flies through the air?

Receptionist: Yes.

Psychiatrist: Oh, I see. Ask him to come in.

Receptionist: Yes, doctor. (To Superman)

Come this way, please.

(Superman comes in, very

tired and out-of-breath.)

Superman: Thank you.

Psychiatrist: Thank you, Angela.

(The receptionist goes out.)

Psychiatrist: Good morning, Mr...er...

Superman: Superman.

SKETCHES 119

Psychiatrist: Yes, Superman. Do sit down.

(Superman sits down.)

Superman: Thank you.

Psychiatrist: Well, what seems to be the

trouble?

Superman: Well, doctor, I'm Superman.

People think I can do everything,

but I can't. I can't do

anything any more.

Psychiatrist: What can't you do?

Superman: I can't climb buildings, I can't

lift cars...and I can't fly.

Psychiatrist: Well, don't worry. A lot of people

have that problem.

Superman: But you don't understand. I'm

Superman. If you can't fly, you

can't be Superman. It's in the

contract.

Psychiatrist: Ah yes, I see.

Superman: In the old days, when people

called for Superman, I could

run into a telephone box, take

off my boring grey city suit,

and become Superman, all in

ten seconds. Yesterday, I went

into a telephone box, and it

took me fifteen minutes just to

take off my trousers. And

when I came out, I couldn't

remember where I was going.

What do you think of that?

(The psychiatrist is asleep.)

Superman: Eh?

Psychiatrist: (Waking up) Er. What? Pardon?

Superman: What do you think?

Psychiatrist: I think you should change your

job.

Superman: But what can I do?

Psychiatrist: Well, you've got a very nice

face. You could be a pop

singer.

Superman: A pop singer?

Psychiatrist: Yes, I can see it all now. Your

name will be in lights! You'll be

famous!

Superman: But I am famous. I'm

Superman.

Psychiatrist: Not any more. From today,

you are Rocky Superdazzle!

Superman: Do you think it's a good idea?

Psychiatrist: Yes, of course...Rocky,

(The receptionist comes in

again.)

Receptionist: Doctor

Psychiatrist: Yes, Angela?

Receptionist: Mr. Wilkins is back again,

(Mr. Wilkins comes in, shouting

as before.)

Mr. Wilkins: Yes, I am. I've changed my

mind. I don't want to be an

English teacher. What else can

I do?

Psychiatrist: Don't worry, Mr Wilkins. I've

got another job for you. You

can work with Rocky

Superdazzle here.

Superman: How do you do?

Mr. wilkins: Rocky Superdazzle? That's not

Rocky Superdazzle! That's

Superman, I saw him in a telephone

box yesterday.

Superman! Huh! It took him

fifteen minutes just to take off

his trousers.

Psychiatrist: Well, he was Superman, but

he's not Superman any more.

I think you can both work

together...

(A few weeks later, at a pop

concert.)

Mr. Wilkins: Ladies and gentlemen, you've

heard of Rod Stewart! You've

heard of Mick Jagger! You've

heard of...Queen Elizabeth the

Second of England! Well,

tonight we present a new star

on the pop scene. He's cooler

than Rod Stewart! He's wilder

than Mick Jagger! And

he's...taller than Queen

Elizabeth the Second of

England! Ladies and gentlemen

- Rocky Superdazzle!

(The audience screams and

applauds.)

Superman: Thank you! Thank you very

much! Thank you!

􀂄

120 SKETCHES

The lost property office

Scene: A lost property office

Characters: The lost property office clerk,

a gangster, a policeman

The gangster runs into the lost property

office. There are police cars passing in the

street at high speed.

Clerk: Can I help you?

Gangster: Where am I?

Clerk: You're in a lost property office.

Gangster: A lost property office?

Clerk: Yes. Have you lost something?

Gangster: Probably.

Clerk: What have you lost?

Gangster: I've lost my...umbrella.

Clerk: Ah, you want the Umbrella

Section.

Gangster: The Umbrella Section?

Clerk: Yes. Go out into the street, turn

left, and it's on the left.

Gangster: Into the street?

Clerk: Yes. You see, this isn't the

Umbrella Section. This is the

Animal Section.

Gangster: The Animal Section?

Clerk: Yes.

Gangster: In that case, I've lost my dog.

Clerk: You've lost your dog?

Gangster: Yes.

Clerk: Well, in that case, you want the

Small Animal Section.

Gangster: The Small Animal Section?

Clerk: Yes. Go into the street, turn

right, and it's on the right.

Gangster: Into the street?

Clerk: Yes. You see, this isn't the Small

Animal Section. This is the Large

Animal Section.

Gangster: The Large Animal Section?

Clerk: Yes.

Gangster: In that case, I've lost my elephant.

Clerk: You've lost your elephant?

Gangster: Yes.

Clerk: I see. Well, I'll need a few

details. Would you like to sit

down?

Gangster: I'd love to.

(The gangster sits down.)

Clerk: Now, first of all: Name.

Gangster: Er... Winston.

Clerk: Well. Mr Winston -

Gangster: No, my name isn't Winston. The

elephant's name is Winston.

Clerk: I see. And what is your name?

Gangster: Churchill.

Clerk: (Writing) Churchill. Address?

Gangster: Er...Churchill's Circus.

Clerk: Oh, I see. It's a circus elephant.

Gangster: Is it?...Yes. Yes, it is!

Clerk: When did you last see him?

Gangster: Who?

Clerk: The elephant.

Gangster: Oh, Winston. Well, we were on a

bus yesterday

Clerk: On a bus?!

Gangster: Yes.

Clerk: How did Winston get on a bus?

Gangster: How did Winston get on a bus?

Clerk: Yes

Gangster: That's a very good question.

Well...He waited at the bus stop,

and when the bus came along,

he put out his arm. And when

the bus stopped, he got on.

Clerk: I see. And then what happened?

Gangster: Well, we were upstairs on the

bus

Clerk: Upstairs?!

Gangster: Yes. Winston wanted to smoke a

cigarette.

Clerk: A cigarette?!

Gangster: I know - I tell him every day:

'Winston, smoking is bad for

you." But he never listens.

Clerk: Hmm. What happened then?

Gangster: Well, I fell asleep.

Clerk: You fell asleep?

Gangster: Yes.

Clerk: I see. And then what happened?

Gangster: I don't know - I was asleep. But

then I woke up, and Winston

wasn't there.

Clerk: Hmm. Well, I'd better ask you a

few questions about him. What

kind of elephant is he?

Gangster: Oh, he's very nice - generous,

loving...he likes collecting

stamps.

Clerk: No - when I say 'What kind of

elephant?' I mean: Is he an

African elephant?

Gangster: Oh, no.

Clerk: So he's an Indian elephant.

Gangster: No.

Clerk: What kind of elephant is he?

Gangster: Scottish.

Clerk: A Scottish elephant?!

Gangster: Yes. He wears a kilt.

Clerk: I see. What color is he?

Gangster: Color? Well, he's elephant-colored.

Clerk: And what color is that?

Gangster: Blue.

Clerk: Blue?!

Gangster: It was very cold yesterday.

Clerk: Yes, it was. Next question: Color

of eyes.

Gangster: Well, you know, like an elephant.

Clerk: What color is that?

Gangster: Red,

SKETCHES 121

Clerk: Red?!

Gangster: Green.

Clerk: Green?!

Gangster: One red, one green.

Clerk: One red, one green?!

Gangster: Yes. We call him 'Traffic Lights'.

Clerk: I see. Color of hair?

Gangster: Hair?

Clerk: Yes

Gangster: He hasn't got any hair.

Clerk: I see. (Writing) Bald...So we're

looking for a bald, blue, Scottish

elephant, wearing a kilt and

smoking a cigarette.

Gangster: Yes.

Clerk: Is there anything unusual about

him?

Gangster: No, nothing at all.

Clerk: Good. Now, Mr. Churchill, what

should we do if we find Winston?

Gangster: Well...Put a banana in your

hand, walk up to Winston, and

say 'Kootchie-kootchie-koo'

Clerk: What will Winston do?

Gangster: Well, if it's Winston, he'll sit

down and he'll eat the banana.

Clerk: All right, Mr. Churchill. Just wait

a moment, and I'll call the

Elephant Section.

Gangster: Fine.

(The clerk picks up the telephone

and dials a number.)

Clerk: Hello? George?... It's Brenda...

l'm fine, thank you - and you?...

Good. George, have you got any

elephants?... You haven't? Hold

on a moment. (To the gangster)

He hasn't got any elephants.

Gangster: No elephants? Well, not to

worry. Sorry to have troubled

you. Thank you for your help. I'll

be on my way. Goodbye.

(He gets up. A police car passes

in the street. He sits down

again.)

Gangster: Er...Ask George to have another

look.

Clerk: All right. (On the phone)

George, can you have another

look?

Gangster: Tell him to look under the table.

Clerk: Look under the table...What?...

(To the gangster) He's got one.

Gangster: A table?

Clerk: No, an elephant.

Gangster: An elephant.

Clerk: Yes. It was under the table.

Gangster: Really?

Clerk: (On the phone) Yes, George, I'm

listening...Yes...Yes...Yes...Yes...

Yes. Hold on.(To the gangster)

He's got a bald, blue, Scottish

elephant, wearing a kilt and

smoking a cigarette. It sounds

like Winston.

Gangster: What about the banana?

Clerk: Oh, yes. (On the phone)

George...I want you to put a

banana in your hand, and say

'Kootchie-kootchie-koo'...No,

not to me - to the elephant.

OK?...What?...Oh, no!

Gangster: What's the matter?

Clerk: The elephant sat down.

Gangster: Good.

Clerk: On George.

Gangster: Tell George to give Winston the

banana!

Clerk: Right. (On the phone) George?

George! Get up and give the

banana to the elephant...Hello?

What? Oh, no!

Gangster: What is it?

Clerk: He's eaten the banana.

Gangster: Who? Winston?

Clerk: No. George.

Gangster: Oh, no!

Clerk: (On the phone) George, I think

you should bring the elephant

down here. The owner is waiting

to take him away.. .OK...Bye.

(The clerk puts down the telephone.)

Clerk: Don't worry, Mr Churchill. Your

elephant will be here in a

moment.

Gangster: Look - before this elephant

arrives, there's something you

should know -

(They hear the sound of an elephant.)

Clerk: Ah, that must be Winston.

(They hear the sound of someone

falling over.)

Clerk: And that's George.

(Someone knocks at the door.)

Clerk: Go on, Mr. Churchill. Open the

door.

Gangster: Oh, all right.

(He opens the door.)

Gangster: Hello, Winston. Kootchiekootchie-

koo!

Policeman: Mr. Churchill?

Gangster: But...this isn't an elephant. It's a

policeman.

Policeman: Very good, sir. Now, if you'd like

to follow me...

Clerk: Goodbye, Mr. Churchill. And

don't forget: If you lose your

elephant again, the Lost

Property Office is here to help

you.

Gangster: Oh, good. I'll remember that,

(He leaves with the policeman.)

􀂄

122 SKETCHES

The travel agency

Scene: A travel agency in London

Characters: A travel agent, Martin and

Brenda Spencer

The travel agent is sitting at his desk in the

travel agency. The phone rings.

Travel agent: (On the telephone) Honest

Harry's Happy Holidays. Can I

help you? Oh, it's you,

sir...This is Perkins speaking,

yes...The holidays in Brighton?

Well, I haven't sold very

many...I'm doing my best, but

people aren't interested in

Brighton these days. My job?

Yes, I do like my job...Yes; I do

want to keep my job...Yes, sir.

All right, I'll sell some holidays

in Brighton. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Goodbye.

(He puts the phone down.)

Travel agent: Oh, dear.

(Martin and Brenda come in.)

Martin: Go on, Brenda.

Brenda: Excuse me, is this a travel

agency?

Travel agent: No, madam. It's a fish and

chip shop.

Brenda: Oh, sorry. Come on, Martin.

Travel agent: No, no, this is a travel agency.

Just a little joke.

Brenda: Oh.

Travel agent: Yes, welcome to Honest

Harry's Happy Holidays. Do sit

down.

Brenda: Thank you.

Martin: Thank you.

(They sit down.)

Travel agent: What can I do for you?

Brenda: We'd like some information

about holidays.

Travel agent: Oh, good.

Martin: Yes, we'd like to go somewhere

interesting.

Travel agent: Somewhere interesting? Have

you been to Brighton?

Martin: Brighton? No, we haven't -

Travel agent: Really?

Brenda: and we don't want to, either.

Travel agent: Why not?

Martin: Well, it's not exciting. We want

to go somewhere exciting.

Travel agent: Oh, I see. How about the

Sahara Desert?

Brenda: The Sahara Desert?

Travel agent: Yes, Have you ever been

there?

Martin: No, we haven't,

Travel agent: Well, this is the holiday for

you. Forty-five days in the

middle of the Sahara Desert.

Brenda: In the middle of the Sahara

Desert? Is there anything to

do?

Travel agent: Oh yes, there's plenty to do.

Have you ever been in a sandstorm?

Martin: A sandstorm? No, we haven't,

Travel agent: Oh well, it's very exciting.

There are sandstorms nearly

every day. And lots of dangerous

snakes. Have you ever

been bitten by a dangerous

snake?

Martin- Brenda: No!

Travel agent: Oh well, it's very exciting.

Brenda: No, I don't think we'd like

Travel agent: Sandstorms, dangerous

snakes, and, on the last day,

a stampede of camels!

Martin: A stampede of camels? What's

that?

Travel agent: Haven't you ever seen a stampede

of camels?

Martin: No.

Travel agent: Oh, it's very exciting. You

stand in the middle of three

hundred camels; someone

fires a gun in the air - Bang!

and all the camels get frightened

and run away.

Brenda: With us standing in the middle?

Travel agent: Yes. Have you ever seen a

frightened camel?

Brenda: No. Is it exciting?

Travel agent: Exciting? It's terrifying!

Martin: Isn't it dangerous?

Travel agent: Of course it's dangerous!

That's what makes it exciting!

Martin: Er...how much is it?

Travel agent: £800.

Brenda: £800!

Travel agent: And £5 extra for the stampede

of camels.

Brenda: That's very expensive.

Travel agent: Ah, I see. You want something

cheaper. Um...how about the

Arctic Ocean? Have you ever

been to the Arctic?

Martin: No, we haven't,

Travel agent: Well, we can give you three

weeks in a small boat in the

Arctic Ocean. Each boat has a

small hole in the bottom.

SKETCHES 123

Brenda: A hole in the bottom?

Travel agent: and you have enough food for

ten days.

Martin: Ten days?

Travel agent: That's right.

Martin: But the holiday is for three

weeks.

Travel agent: That's what makes it exciting!

And it's only £600.

Brenda: £600! It's still much too

expensive for us.

Martin: Have you got anything a little

bit cheaper?

Travel agent: Cheaper...well, I don't know.

Let me see...Um...Oh, yes.

Now this is a holiday to

remember. The Amazon jungle.

Have you been to the

Amazon jungle?

Martin: No, we haven't.

Travel agent: Well, this may be the holiday

for you. We drop you into the

middle of the Amazon jungle

by parachute.

Martin: By parachute!

Travel agent: Yes, we drop you into the middle

of the Amazon jungle, with

a map.

Brenda: Well, at least you get a map.

Travel agent: with a map of the London

Underground.

Brenda: Oh. I don't think we'd like that.

It sounds very dangerous.

Travel agent: Yes, but it's very exciting! This

is the twentieth century.

People want exciting holidays.

You said you wanted an exciting

holiday.

Martin: But all your holidays are dangerous,

expensive, and too far

away from home.

Travel agent: Oh, I see. Now you want

something nearer home.

Martin: Er...yes.

Travel agent: Have you ever been to Spain?

Martin: No, we haven't.

Travel agent: We can offer you a month,

fighting the strongest bulls in

Spain.

Brenda: Bullfighting? No, I don't want

to do that.

Travel agent: Oh. Have you ever been to

Paris?

Martin: No, we haven't.

Travel agent: What about ten days in

Paris?...

Martin: That sounds marvelous!

Travel agent: ...painting the outside of the

Eiffel Tower.

Brenda- Martin: No, thanks!

Travel agent: Well, what about two weeks in

Brighton?

Brenda: No, thanks!

Martin: Just a minute. Did you say

'Brighton'?

Travel agent: Yes. How about two weeks in

Brighton, staying in a nice

quiet hotel by the sea?

Brenda: Well, yes...

Martin: Yes, that sounds wonderful!

Travel agent: It's not very exciting. No

camels, no snakes, but you

can't have everything, can

you?

Brenda: No. That's very nice. We'll take

it.

Martin: How much is it?

Travel agent: £50 each, please. Could you

just sign this form for the

reservations?

(He gives Martin a form.)

Travel agent: Just here, please. Alarm signs.

Travel agent: Thank you. And here. And

here. And here. And... here.

Thank you.

Brenda: Thank you very much.

Martin: Goodbye.

Travel agent: Goodbye and I hope you enjoy

your holiday.

(Martin and Brenda leave. The

telephone rings.)

Travel agent: On the telephone Honest

Harry's Happy Holidays. Can I

help you?... Well, we've got

some very nice holidays in

Brighton, as a matter of fact...

􀂄

124 SKETCHES

Gerry Brown's driving test

Scene: A car

Characters: Gerry Brown, Brian Smith,

Gerry's friend, a driving examiner

Brian has just arrived at the test centre in his

car. He is sitting in it, waiting for Gerry.

Brian: Hmm...Three o'clock. Where is he?

Ah, there he is. Gerry! Gerry! (Gerry

comes to the car.)

Gerry: Ah, hello!

Brian: Hello, Gerry,

(Brian gets out of the car.)

Brian: Well, the big day, eh?

Gerry: Yes, my driving test. It's very good

of you to lend me your car.

Brian: Oh, that's all right, Gerry. You have

had driving lessons, haven't you?

Gerry: Oh, yes. Well...I had one.

Brian: One?

Gerry: Yes, I had one last night. It was very

good.

Brian: That's not enough. You should have

had at least ten!

Gerry: Now don't worry. I've flown aero

planes, you know, and it's all more

or less the same. You just jump in,

switch on, and up she goes!

Brian: Yes, but this isn't an aero plane. It's

a car. My car!

Gerry: Oh yes, I can see that.

Brian: Hmm...that's another problem.

Gerry: What?

Brian: Your eyes.

Gerry: What's the matter with my eyes?

Brian: Well, they're not exactly perfect, are

they?

Gerry: Well, I know I can't see very well,

but -

Brian: But you told the authorities that

your eyes were perfect. You shouldn't

have done that.

Gerry: Yes, I know. But don't worry, everything

will be all right. I borrowed

these glasses from my uncle, and he

says they're marvelous.

Brian: Your uncle's glasses! But Gerry, you

should have brought your own

glasses

Gerry: I haven't got any of my own. But

don't worry, my uncle has worn

these for twenty-five years, and he's

a brain surgeon.

Brian: Gerry -Gerry!Look, I'll put them on.

(He puts on the glasses.)

Gerry: There, Oh...Um...Brian?...Brian? (He

bumps into the car.)

Gerry: Oh.

Brian: Gerry, look, here comes the examiner.

Gerry: Oh yes, I see. He looks like a very

nice man.

Brian: Gerry, it's not a man. It's a woman.

Gerry: Oh.

Brian: Now listen, Gerry. There's only one

way you can pass this test.

Gerry: Yes?

Brian: Be polite.

Gerry: Be polite and

Brian: Shhht, Gerry. Here she is,

(The examiner arrives.)

Examiner: Mr. Brown?

Gerry: Er…yes.

Examiner: I'm the examiner. Shall we get

in?

Gerry: Er...yes. Allow me to open the

door for you

(He opens the door and the

examiner gets into the car.)

Examiner: Thank you.

Gerry: Was that all right?

Brian: Very good, Gerry. But I think

I'll come with you, just in case.

Gerry: All right.

(Gerry and Brian get into the

car. Brian sits in the back.)

Examiner: Now, Mr. Brown. I'd like you to

drive the car straight down the

road.

SKETCHES 125

Gerry: Straight down the road. Yes.

(He tries to drive away. The

car stops.)

Gerry: Oh. Sorry,

(He tries again, and drives

away very fast.)

Examiner: Turn right, Mr. Brown. (Gerry

turns left.)

Brian: Gerry! You turned left. She

said 'Right'. You should have

turned right.

Gerry: (Cheerfully) Sorry!

Examiner: Turn left, Mr. Brown.

(Gerry turns right.)

Brian: Gerry! You turned right. You

should have turned left.

Examiner: The traffic lights are red, Mr.

Brown.

Brian-Examiner: Red!

(Gerry stops the car at the

traffic lights.)

Gerry: Ha, ha! Very good, eh?

Straight on?

Examiner: Er...n-n-no, Mr Brown. I think

I'll get out here.

Gerry: Oh. Allow me to open the door

for you.

Examiner: No, no, thank you. That won't

be necessary.

She gets out of the car and

walks away.

Examiner: I should have stayed in bed

today. I knew it...I knew it was

going to be a bad day.

Gerry: Oh, dear.

Brian: I told you you should have had

more lessons, Gerry.

Gerry: Ah, green!

Gerry drives away very fast.

Brian: Gerry! Gerry! Slow down,

Gerry! Gerry!!

􀂄

126 SKETCHES

Giovanni 's café

Scene: A pavement cafe in Rome

Characters: Geoffrey Burton, Dorothy

Burton (Geoffrey's wife),

Teresa Pilkington, Giovanni

Geoffrey and Dorothy are sitting at a table in

front of the cafe.

Geoffrey: Well, here we are in Rome. The

sun is shining, and we haven't got

a care in the world.

Dorothy: Yes, Rome is so beautiful.

Geoffrey: And it's such a beautiful day.

Dorothy: This square looks lovely in the

sunshine.

Geoffrey: And it's so nice, sitting here with

you. No trains to catch...

Dorothy: No telephones to answer...

Geoffrey: No boring business people to talk

to...Do you know, this is the first

holiday we've had for five years -

since we were married.

Dorothy: And it's our first visit to Rome,

too. It's like a second honeymoon.

Geoffrey: Yes, and now we're alone together,

with all the time in the world.

Dorothy: Yes.

Geoffrey: Just you, and me, and romantic

Rome.

Dorothy: Yes.

(Teresa comes to their table.)

Teresa: Excuse me, do you speak

English?

Geoffrey: Yes.

Teresa: May I sit here?

Geoffrey: Er...oh...yes.

(Teresa sits down.)

Teresa: Thank you. Just a minute it's

Geoffrey, Geoffrey Burton!

Geoffrey: Good God! Teresa Pilkington!

Teresa : Geoffrey, darling! How lovely to

see you! It's been so long since

we..

Geoffrey: Er...Teresa, this is my wife,

Dorothy.

Teresa: Oh, your wife. Delighted to meet

you.

Dorothy: So you know Geoffrey, do you?

Teresa: Oh yes, Geoffrey and I are old

friends, aren't we, Geoffrey?

Geoffrey: No. Er...yes. Er...what are you

doing in Rome, Teresa?

Dorothy: You're old friends, are you?

Teresa: Oh yes, I've known Geoffrey for

years and years, since we were

both young and innocent.

Geoffrey: Goodness me! Look at that

remarkable statue!

Dorothy: Geoffrey!.Tell me, Miss Pilkington,

what exactly do you mean by

'young and innocent'?

Teresa: Well, darling, before Geoffrey met

me, he was just an innocent boy.

Geoffrey: Er...yes...we met at kindergarten.

Teresa: Oh, Geoffrey, you know that's not

what I mean.

Dorothy: Well, what exactly do you mean?

Geoffrey: Good Lord! Look at that magnificent

telephone box.

Dorothy: Geoffrey!

Geoffrey: Well, you don't see telephone

boxes like that in England, do

you?

Teresa: Poor Geoffrey! Before he met me,

his life was so boring. He was a

student at an awful college in the

mountains, and he hated every

minute of it.

Dorothy: But Geoffrey - you told me you

loved that college in the mountains!

Teresa: Oh yes, that's because he met me

there.

Dorothy: What - at the college?

Teresa: No, in the mountains.

Geoffrey: Er, Dorothy, I think we'd better

go. The Colosseum closes at six

o'clock, you know.

Dorothy: Sit down, Geoffrey. It's only half

past eleven.

Teresa: Yes, I remember that day so well

- the day that we met. The mountains

were so beautiful, the sky

was so blue -

Dorothy: and Geoffrey was so green, I suppose.

Teresa: 'Green'? What do you mean?

Dorothy: 'Green.' Young and innocent. Just

the way you like them, I suppose.

Teresa: Well, really!

(Teresa gets up.)

Teresa: Excuse me!...Goodbye, Geoffrey.

(Sarcastically) Delighted to have

met you, Mrs. Burton

Geoffrey: Teresa... um...

SKETCHES 127

Teresa: Goodbye, Geoffrey.

(Teresa leaves.)

Geoffrey: Oh, dear.

Dorothy: So before you met her, you were

just an innocent boy! You told me

I was the first woman in your life,

and I believed you...and I've been

so honest with you.

Geoffrey: Yes, Dorothy. Dorothy, I've told

you everything.

Geoffrey: Yes, Dorothy, I know. I was the

first man in your life.

Dorothy: The first and only man, Geoffrey,

(Giovanni comes to the table.)

Geoffrey: Oh...waiter. I'll have a Martini,

please.

Giovanni: Certainly, sir. And for you,

madam? Oh! Dorothy!

Dorothy: Giovanni!

Giovanni: Dorothy!

Geoffrey: Giovanni?

Giovanni: Dorothy, it's wonderful to see you

again!

Geoffrey: Dorothy, have you met this man

before?

Dorothy: Well, Geoffrey -

Giovanni: Dorothy, it must be five years!

Dorothy: Six, Giovanni, six!

Giovanni: And now you've come back to

Rome!

Geoffrey: Come back? What's he talking

about?

Dorothy: Well, Geoffrey -

Giovanni: Come with me, Dorothy. We've

got so much to talk about!

Dorothy: Oh...er, yes...um...excuse me,

Geoffrey.

(Giovanni and Dorothy leave.)

Geoffrey: Dorothy! Dorothy!

􀂄

128 SKETCHES

Shakespeare's house

Scene:

The living-room of a house

in Stratford-upon-Avon,

the town where Shakespeare

was born

Characters:

Sidney and

Ethel (tourists),

a man

Sidney and Ethel come into

the room.

Sidney: Well, Ethel, here we are in

Shakespeare's front room. This

must be where he wrote all his

famous tragedies.

Ethel: I'm not surprised, with furniture like

this.

Sidney: What do you mean?

Ethel: Well, look at that armchair. He can't

have been comfortable, sitting

there.

Sidney: Don't be silly! He probably sat at

this table when he was writing

tragedies.

Ethel: Oh. yes...Look!

(She shows Sidney a typewriter.)

Ethel: This must be Shakespeare's typewriter.

Sidney: Shakespeare's typewriter?

Ethel: Yes. He must have written all his

plays on this.

Sidney: Ethel! That can't be Shakespeare's

typewriter.

Ethel: Why not?

Sidney: Because Shakespeare didn't use a

typewriter.

Ethel: Didn't he?

Sidney: No, of course he didn't. He was a

very busy man. He didn't have time

to sit in front of a typewriter all day.

He probably used a tape-recorder.

Ethel: A tape-recorder?

Sidney: Yes. I can see him now. He must

have sat on this chair, holding his

microphone in his hand saying: 'To

be, or not to be.'

Ethel: What does that mean?

Sidney: Ah well, that is the question.

Ethel: Sidney, look!

Sidney: What?

Ethel: Over here. This must be

Shakespeare's television.

Sidney: Shakespeare's television?

Ethel: Yes. It must be. It looks quite old.

Sidney: Shakespeare didn't have a television.

Ethel: Why not?

SKETCHES 129

Sidney: Why not? Because he went to the

theatre every night. He didn't have

time to sit at home, watching television.

Ethel: Oh.

(They hear someone snoring.)

Ethel: Sidney, what's that? I can hear

something. Oh, look!

Sidney: Where?

Ethel: Over there. There's a man over

there, behind the newspaper, I think

he's asleep.

Sidney: Oh, yes. He must be one of

Shakespeare's family. He's probably

Shakespeare's grandson.

Ethel: Ooh!

Sidney: I'll just go and say 'Hello'.

(He goes over to the man and

shouts.)

Sidney: Hello!

Man: What? Eh? What's going on?

Sidney: Good morning.

Man: Good mor- Who are you?

Ethel: We're tourists.

Man: Tourists?

Sidney: Yes.

Ethel: It must be very interesting, living

here.

Man: Interesting? Living here? What are

you talking about?

Sidney: Well, it must be interesting, living in

a famous house like this.

Man: Famous house?

Ethel: Yes, there must be hundreds of people

who want to visit Shakespeare's

house.

Man: Shakespeare's house? Look, there

must be some mistake.

Sidney: This is Shakespeare's house, isn't it?

Man: This is Number 34, Railway

Avenue...and I live here!

Ethel: Yes. You must be Shakespeare's

grandson.

Man: Shakespeare's grandson?

Ethel: Yes.

Sidney: Ethel! Look at this!

Ethel: What is it?

Sidney: Look at it!

(He is holding an ashtray.)

Ethel: Ooh, Shakespeare's ashtray!

Sidney: Yes, William Shakespeare's ashtray!

Mr. Shakespeare, I would like to buy

this ashtray as a souvenir of our visit

to your grandfather's house.

Man: For the last time, my name is not -

Sidney: I'll give you ten pounds for it.

Man: Now listen...Ten pounds?

Sidney: All right then - twenty pounds.

Man: Twenty pounds for that ashtray?

Ethel: Well, it was William Shakespeare's

ashtray, wasn't it?

Man: William Shakespeare's...Oh, yes, of

course. William Shakespeare's ashtray.

(Sidney gives the man twenty

pounds.)

Sidney: Here you are. You're sure twenty

pounds is enough...

Man: Well...

Sidney: All right then. Twenty-five pounds.

(He gives the man another five

pounds.)

Man: Thank you. And here's the ashtray.

(The man gives Sidney the ashtray.)

Sidney: Thank you very much.

Ethel: I hope we haven't disturbed you too

much.

Man: Oh, not at all. I always enjoy meeting

people who know such a lot

about Shakespeare. Goodbye.

Ethel: Goodbye.

(Ethel and Sidney leave.)

􀂄

130 SKETCHES

Mr. Universe

Scene: The Mr. Universe Competition

Characters: Gloria Sparkle: Arnold Higgins,

Elvis Smith, Ernest Bottom

(the contestants)

The competition is just beginning.

Gloria: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's time

once again for the 'Mr. Universe'

competition - the competition to find

the most fantastic, the most incredible,

the most amazing man in the

world. Who will be this year's Mr.

Universe? Our three judges will

decide. But first let's meet the contestants.

Contestant number one -

Arnold Higgins!

(Arnold Higgins enters, carrying a

bucket and a sponge.)

Gloria: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Arnold

Higgins.

Arnold: Hello!

Gloria: (Reading from a card in her hand)

Arnold is 63 years old.

Arnold: What? No, no, no. 36, not 63.

Gloria: Sorry, Arnold.

Arnold: That's all right.

Gloria: Arnold is 36 years old. Tell me,

Arnold - what do you do?

Arnold: I'm a window cleaner.

Gloria: He's a window cleaner, ladies and

gentlemen! And tell me, Arnold -

how long have you been a window

cleaner?

Arnold: Well, Gloria, I'm 36 now, and I started

cleaning windows when I was 33.

So I've been cleaning windows

for...er...

Gloria: Three years?

Arnold: Yes. How did you know?

Gloria: It's written on this card. Do you like

it?

(Arnold looks at the card.)

Arnold: Yes. It's a very nice card.

Gloria: No, no - not the card. Do you like

cleaning windows?

Arnold: Do I like cleaning windows?

Gloria: Yes.

Arnold: Do I like cleaning windows?

Gloria: Yes.

Arnold: Do I like cleaning windows?

Gloria: Yes.

Arnold: No! I don't like cleaning windows - I

love it!

Gloria: You love it.

Arnold: Yes, I love it. Big windows, small

windows, broken windows -

Gloria: Yes, I see.

Arnold: Windows are my life! I've cleaned

windows all over the world.

Gloria: Really?

Arnold: Yes. Do you know Buckingham

Palace?

Gloria: Yes

Arnold: Do you know the windows of

Buckingham Palace?

Gloria: Yes. Arnold, have you cleaned the

windows of Buckingham Palace?

Arnold: No - but I'd like to.

Gloria: Ah, so your ambition is to clean the

windows of Buckingham Palace.

Arnold: Yes.

Gloria: Thank you, Arnold.

(She wants Arnold to go.)

Arnold: Before I go, I'd like to tell you about

my hobby.

Gloria: What's that, Arnold?

Arnold: My hobby is writing poetry. I'd like to

read one of my poems.

Gloria: Oh.

Arnold: It's about windows.

Gloria: Ah.

Arnold: (Reading) 'Oh, windows! Oh, windows!

Oh, windows!'

Gloria: Oh, no!

Arnold: 'Windows, windows, big and small!

Windows, windows, I love you all!'

Gloria: Thank you, Arnold.

Arnold: There's a bit more.

Gloria: No, thank you, Arnold - that's quite

enough. Ladies and gentlemen, the

first contestant: Arnold Higgins!

(Arnold leaves.)

Gloria: Now let's meet the second contestant,

who also wants to be this year's

Mr. Universe! Elvis Smith enters. He

is wearing short trousers and is

rather shy.

Elvis: Er...Hello.

Gloria: What is your name?

Elvis: Elvis.

Gloria: Elvis?

Elvis: Yes. Elvis Smith.

Gloria: How old are you, Elvis?

Elvis: 42.

Gloria: And what do you do?

Elvis: Nothing. I'm still at school.

Gloria: Still at school?

SKETCHES 131

Elvis: Yes.

Gloria: What do you want to do when you

leave school?

Elvis: Go to university.

Gloria: I see. And what is your hobby, Elvis?

Elvis: My hobby?

Gloria: Yes. What do you like doing in your

free time?

Elvis: Oh well, I like meeting people. Hello,

Gloria.

Gloria: Hello, Elvis,

Elvis: And I like fishing Gloria

Elvis: And swimming.

Gloria: Thank you, Elvis.

Elvis: And collecting stamps, and playing

football, and dancing -

Gloria: Thank you, Elvis.

Elvis: And climbing mountains, and waterskiing,

and boxing -

Gloria: Thank you, Elvis! Ladies and gentlemen,

Elvis Smith!

(Elvis leaves.)

Gloria: Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was

Elvis Smith. Now let's meet the last

contestant.

From Liverpool: Ernest Bottom!

(Ernest Bottom enters.

He is not very friendly.)

Gloria: Well, Ernest, it's wonderful to have

you here -

Ernest: All right, get on with it!

Gloria: Oh. Well...Ernest, would you like to

answer a few questions?

Ernest: No.

Gloria: Oh, come on, Ernest!

Ernest: All right - just a few.

Gloria: Thank you. Tell me - what do you

do?

Ernest: What do I do?

Gloria: Yes.

Ernest: Nothing. I'm unemployed.

Gloria: Oh.

Ernest: I used to be a bus driver.

Gloria: Did you?

Ernest: Yes. But I lost my job.

Gloria: Why?

Ernest: I can't drive.

Gloria: Oh, I see. What do you like doing in

your free time?

Ernest: Nothing.

Gloria: Oh, come on, Ernest! Haven't you

got any hobbies?

Ernest: Well... I've got one. I like gardening.

Shall I tell you about my garden?

Gloria: Yes!

Ernest: Well...it's...

Gloria: Yes

Ernest: It's...

Gloria: Yes?

Ernest: It's green!

(Gloria sighs.)

Gloria: Well, thank you, Ernest. That was

fascinating. Ladies and gentlemen,

Ernest Bottom. Ernest leaves.

Gloria: Well, now we've met the three contestants,

and our judges are ready

with their votes. For Arnold Higgins:

one vote. For Elvis Smith: one vote.

And for Ernest Bottom: one vote.

Well, this is sensational, ladies and

gentlemen! This year, we have three

Mr. Universes! So, congratulations to

our three contestants, and thank

you to our judges: Mrs. Doris

Higgins, Mrs. Brenda Smith and Mrs.

Margaret Bottom. From all of us

here, good night!

􀂄

132 SKETCHES

The new James Bond film

Scene:

Hank

Cannelloni's

office

Characters:

Hank

Cannelloni;

the director of

the film,

Linda Stone,

Romeo Higgins

:the stars of the

film, a painter

Hank is in his office. There is a

knock at the

door.

Hank: Come in! (Linda comes in)

Linda: Hi, Hank!

Hank: Linda! Hi!

Linda: So, Hank, why do you want to see

me?

Hank: Linda, I want you to be the star of

my new film.

Linda: Great! Tell me about it.

Hank: I am going to direct the new James

Bond film.

Linda: The new James Bond film!

Hank: Yes. It's going to be a great film -

and you're going to be a big star!

Linda: I am a big star, Hank.

Hank: Yes, Linda, of course you're a big

star. But you're going to be an even

bigger star!

Linda: Great! Er...Hank...

Hank: Yes, Linda?

Linda: Who's going to play James Bond?

Hank: Well, we decided that we wanted

Tom Cruise -

Linda: Tom Cruise?

Hank: Yes

Linda: That's great!

Hank: But there's a small problem.

Linda: What's that, Hank?

Hank: Well

(There is a knock at the door.)

Hank: Come in!

(Romeo opens the door.)

Romeo: Hello! Is anybody there?

Hank: Oh, hi, Romeo. Come in.

Romeo: Hello, Mr. Macaroni.

Hank: Cannelloni.

Romeo: Cannelloni, yes. Sorry.

Hank: Romeo, come over here.

Romeo: Right. (To Linda] Oh, hello. I don't

think we've met. I'm Romeo Higgins.

Linda: Romeo who?

Romeo: Higgins. H-I-GLinda:

Hi, Romeo. (To Hank, quietly) Hank,

who is Romeo Higgins?

Hank: (To Linda, quietly) He's...er...he's ...

Romeo: I'm very pleased to meet you.

Linda: I'm sure you are.

Hank: Romeo is...er...starring in the film

with you.

Linda: What?

Hank: Yes. He's going to be the new James

Bond.

Linda: The new James Bond?

Romeo: Yes. I'm very excited about it.

Linda: (To Hank, quietly) What happened to

Tom Cruise?

Hank: (To Linda, quietly) He's busy.

Linda: Oh, no!

Hank: OK, let's talk about the film. The film

takes place in Honolulu.

Romeo: Great! Honolulu, Linda!

Hank: But we're not going to film it in

Honolulu.

Linda: We're not going to film it in

Honolulu?

Hank: No.

Linda: Where are we going to film it?

Hank: In Manchester.

Romeo: Great! My grandmother lives in

Manchester. Er...Mr Macaroni?

Hank: Cannelloni! The name is Cannelloni!

Romeo: Oh, I can't tell the difference

between macaroni and cannelloni.

Hank: What is it?

Romeo: Well, I know they're both types of

pasta...

Hank: No, I mean: What do you won’t?

Romeo: Am I really going to be the new

James Bond?

Hank: Yes, Romeo. Here's your script.

(Hank gives Romeo a script.)

Romeo: Oh, thank you,

Hank: And Linda...

Linda: Yes, Hank?

Hank: You play Barbara, another secret

agent.

(Hank gives Linda a script.)

Linda: Thanks, Hank.

(The painter enters with a ladder.)

Painter: Is there anyone here called

Macaroni?

Hank: Cannelloni! The name is Cannelloni!

Painter: Is that you?

Hank: Yes!

Painter: Telephone call for you, Mr.

Cannelloni

Hank: Tell them I'm busy.

Painter: It's Hollywood.

Hank: Hollywood! Right - (Starting to

leave) - I'll be back in a minute,

Painter: Mr. Hollywood - your bank manager.

Hank: Ah. (Coming back) Right, Never

mind.

Painter: Can I finish painting this wall?

Hank: Go ahead!

(The painter sets up his ladder and

starts painting.)

Linda: Hank!

Hank: What is it, Linda?

Linda: I've just noticed the title of this film.

It's called 'Bond Eats Mr. Big'.

SKETCHES 133

Painter: 'Bond Eats Mr. Big.' What a great

title!

Hank: That's a typing mistake.

Romeo: A typing mistake?

Hank: Yes. It should be 'Bond Meets Mr.

Big'.

Romeo: Oh, yes - a typing mistake. There

are hundreds of typing mistakes.

The typing is really terrible. Who

typed this rubbish?

Hank: I did.

Romeo: Oh!

Hank: Just do your best. Now, let's look at

one of the important scenes. Scene

6 -(Hank, Linda and Romeo find

Scene 6 in their scripts.)

Hank: where Bond -

Romeo: Yes.

Hank: and Barbara -

Linda: Yes.

Hank: go into the office of Mr. Big.

Romeo: Mr. Who?

Hank: Mr. Big.

Romeo: Who's Mr. Big?

Hank: He's the biggest, most dangerous

criminal in the world,

Linda: Who's playing Mr. Big in the film?

Hank: I am.

(The painter laughs.)

Hank: What's the matter with you?

Painter: Changing his laugh into a cough)

I've got a cold.

Hank: OK, remember: I'm Mr. Big.

So...lines, everybody.

Romeo: (To Linda) What did he say?

Linda: I don't know. (To the painter) What

did he say?

Painter: I think he said 'lions'.

(Romeo and Linda make the sound

of lions roaring; the painter joins in.)

Hank: I said lines, not lions!!

Romeo - Linda: Sorry, Hank.

Hank: OK, let's begin. (Reading from his

script, in a strange voice) 'Ah-ha!

Who are you?'

Linda: (To Romeo) What did he say?

Romeo: I don't know. (To the painter) What

did he say?

Painter: 'Who are you?'

Romeo: Romeo Higgins.

Painter: How do you do?

Romeo: How do you do?

Hank: Romeo! Lines! Just read the lines]

Romeo: What? Oh. Yes. (Reading) 'My name

is Pond 'James Pond.'

Hank: What did you say?

Romeo: 'My name is Pond - James Pond.'

Linda: It's not James Pond, it's James

Bond! Idiot!

Romeo: (Pointing of his script) It says Pond'

here

Hank: Just get on with it! 'Ah-ha, Bond!

This is the moment I've been waiting

for!'

Romeo: (To the painter) What did he say?

Painter: I'm not sure, but I think he said:

(Imitating Hank's strange voice)

'Ah-ha,

Bond!: This is the moment I've been waiting

for!"

Romeo: Thanks.

Linda: Look out, Bond! He's got a gun.'

Painter: No, I haven't. It's a paintbrush.

Romeo: I'm not afraid of you, Mr. Pig.

Painter: Mr. Big!

Romeo: 'Mr. Big.'

Linda: 'Bond! Look out!'

Romeo: 'What is it, Banana?' Er...Barbara?

Linda: 'He's got a gun. He's going to shout!'

Painter: Not 'shout' - 'shoot'! 'He's going to

shoot' - with his gun!

Romeo: 'Don't shoot, Mr. Bag!' - 'Mr. Big!'

Hank: ' Ah-ha! Why not!'

Romeo: 'Because...'

(Hank, Romeo and Linda all turn

over a page in their scripts.)

Romeo: '...I've got something I want to show

you. It's here - in my rocket.'

Painter: Not 'rocket' - 'pocket'! 'It's here in

my pocket.' Oh! Stop everything!

I've got something I want to show

you! It's here in my pocket!

(The painter takes a telegram from

his pocket.)

Painter: It's a telegram for you, Mr.

Cannelloni - from the producer, Mr.

Broccoli.

Hank: From the producer?! Read it!

Painter: OK. (Reading) 'Hello, Stop. How are

you? Stop. Have you started the film

yet? Stop. If you've started -

Comma - stop. Stop. If you haven't

started - Comma - don't start. Stop.

Stop. Stop, Signed: The Producer.

Stop.'

Romeo: I didn't understand a word of that.

Linda: It means there's no film. (Leaving)

Bye, Hank.

Hank: Er...Bye, Linda.

Romeo: No film?

Hank: That's right.

Romeo: Do you mean I'm not going to play

James Bond?

Hank: I'm afraid not, Romeo.

Romeo: Oh, no! That means I haven't got a

job.

Hank: You haven't got a job! What about

me? I haven't got a job either!

Painter: Hank, Romeo, don't worry.

Hank: What do you mean?

Painter: I can give you both a job.

Romeo: Really?

Painter: Yes. Hank, you take this paintbrush...

(He gives Hank his paintbrush.)

Hank: What?

Painter: And Romeo, you take the ladder...

He gives Romeo his ladder.

Romeo: Eh?

Painter: Call me when you've finished. I'll be

in the canteen.

􀂄

134 SKETCHES

World record

Scene: A TV studio

Characters: Michael Moonshine, Albert

Hargreaves, Daisy Hargreaves

(Albert's wife), Mabel Phillips,

a man

Michael: Thank you. thank you, thank you.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is

the program that gives you the

chance to break a world record. We

have here in the studio tonight two

people who are trying to break

world records. Let's meet them

and see what they're doing. Tell

me, sir, what is your name?

Albert: Albert Hargreaves.

Michael: Albert Hargreaves. Well, Albert,

what are you doing?

Albert: I'm standing on one leg in a bucket

of hot soup.

Michael: Ladies and gentlemen, he's standing

on one leg in a bucket of hot

soup!

(The audience applauds.)

Michael: Albert, how long have you been

standing on one leg in that bucket

of hot soup?

Albert: I've been standing here for six

hours and fifty-eight minutes.

Michael: And what is the world record for

standing on one leg in a bucket of

hot soup?

Albert: The world record is seven hours

and three minutes, Michael.

Michael: Seven hours and three minutes!

And you've been standing there for

six hours and fifty-nine minutes

now. Well, Albert, you've only got

four minutes to go!

(The audience applauds.)

Michael: Albert, you've been standing on

one leg in that bucket of soup for

almost seven hours now.

Albert: That's right, Michael.

Michael: Tell me - is the soup still hot?

Albert: Yes. My wife's been coming in

every half-hour with more hot

soup. Here she comes now.

(Mrs Hargreaves comes in.)

Daisy: Here you are, Albert.

(She pours some hot soup into the

bucket.)

Albert: Aaaargh!

Michael: Well, I'm glad it's your leg in the

soup. Albert, and not mine.

(The audience laughs.)

Michael: Now we have another contestant in

the studio, a very charming young

lady. Can you tell the viewers your

name?

Mabel: Mabel Phillips.

Michael: Mabel Phillips. Well, Mabel, what

are you doing?

Mabel: I'm leaning on this brush.

Michael: She's leaning on a brush, ladies

and gentlemen!

(The audience applauds.)

Michael: Mabel, how long have you been

leaning on that brush?

Mabel: I've been leaning on this brush for

three hours and seventeen minutes.

Michael: She's been leaning on the brush for

three hours and seventeen minutes.

What is the world record for

leaning on a brush, Mabel?

Mabel: Thirty-seven hours and fifty-six

minutes.

Michael: Thirty-seven hours and fifty-six

minutes! And you've been leaning

on that brush for three hours and

seventeen minutes, Well, Mabel,

you've got...three, four, five, six -

you've got a long way to go!

(The audience laughs.)

SKETCHES 135

Michael: Well, Albert has been standing on

one leg in his bucket of hot soup

for seven hours and one minute, so

he's only got two more minutes to

go! Poor Mabel's got a long way to

go...And here is another young

man - and he hasn't got any

trousers on.

(The audience laughs.)

Michael: Now, sir, what are you doing?

Man: I'm looking for my trousers.

Michael: I can see that. And how long have

you been looking for your

trousers?

Man: I've been looking for my trousers

for five minutes.

Michael: And what's the world record?

Man: Pardon?

Michael: What's the world record for looking

for trousers?

Man: I'm not trying to break a world

record. I took my trousers off to

have a bath, and when I got out of

the bath, my trousers were gone.

Michael: I see. Get out of the way! We're on

television! The audience laughs.

Michael: Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.

Now back to Albert

Hargreaves. Albert, you've been

standing in that bucket of hot soup

for seven hours and two minutes.

Only one more minute to go, and

you will break the world record.

And here comes Mrs. Hargreaves

with more hot soup!

Daisy: Here you are, Albert.

(She pours some more soup into

the bucket.)

Albert: Aaaargh!

Michael: Tell me. Albert, how does it feel?

Albert: Hot!

(The audience laughs.)

Michael: No, no, no! How does it feel to be

approaching the world record?

Albert: Well, Michael, I've been dreaming

about this moment, I've been

thinking about nothing else

Michael: Yes, Albert.

Albert: I've been practicing every day

Michael: Yes, Albert.

Albert: Twice on Sundays!

Michael: Yes - and here comes Mrs.

Hargreaves

Albert: Oh no, not again!

Michael: It's all right, Albert, she's only

looking at her watch!

(The audience laughs.)

Daisy: Albert! Albert! Only ten seconds to

go! Ten, nine, eight, seven (Mabel

pushes Albert.)

Mabel: (Ironically) Congratulations,

Albert!

Albert: Aaaargh!

Albert falls over.

Michael: Well, ladies and gentlemen, Albert

Hargreaves hasn't broken a world

record, but he has broken...his

leg!'

􀂄