Jokes and Funny Dialogues

JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES 199

The Perfect Son

A: I have the perfect son.

B: Does he smoke?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he drink whiskey?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he ever come home late?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect

son. How old is he?

A: He will be six months old next

Wednesday.

Mice family

A family of mice was surprised by a big

cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bowwow!"

The cat ran away. "What was that,

Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son,

that's why it's important to learn a second

language."

Wooden leg

My friend said he knew a man with a

wooden leg named Smith.

So I asked him "What was the name of his

other leg?"

It hurts

A man goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."

The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"

The man says, "When I touch my shoulder,

it really hurts. If I touch my knee -

OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really,

really hurts."

The doctor says, "I know what's wrong

with you - you've broken your finger!"

The spoon

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye

whenever I drink tea.

Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug

before you drink.

Attention

Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me!

Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays

any attention to what I have to say.

Doctor: Next please!

Ten dollars

Two boys were arguing when the teacher

entered the room. The teacher says, "Why

are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We

found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it

to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves,"

said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't

even know what a lie was." The boys gave

the ten dollars to the teacher.

Boy or girl

A: Just look at that young person with the

short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

A:Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you

were her father.

B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

The first day

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at

school?"

Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go

back tomorrow?

I don't know!

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle

of the verb to ring?"

Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"

Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"

Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

Attaining wisdom

Once someone asked Hodja, "How can

one attain wisdom?" Hodja replied, "Always

listen attentively to what the wise and

learned men tell you. And when you are

speaking to others, listen carefully to what

you are saying!"

200 JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES

Egyptian flu

Did you hear about the pharaoh who had

Egyptian flu?

He caught it from his mummy'!

A cup of coffee

Bobby -Pa, does a cup of coffee do any

harm?

Pa - No, Bobby.

Bobby -That's lucky! I've just spilled one

over your new suit.

Policeman

What do you get if you dial 666?

A policeman standing on his hands!

French

Smith-Did you have much trouble with

your French when you went to Paris?

Adams -No, But the Parisians did!

Twins

Dan -My girlfriend's one of twins.

Dave -How can you tell them apart?

Dan -Her brother's got a beard!

New house

Where does a king go to buy a new house?

Newcastle!

First day at school

Uncle -How did you like your first day at

school, David?

David -Oh, it wasn't bad, but there was a

big man in front who kept spoiling all the fun.

Thief

Policeman -This man is charged with stealing

an elephant, sir.

Judge -Search him!

Glasses

Joe -Do your glasses magnify, Mum?

Mum -Yes, Joe.

Joe -Well, please take them off when you

cut me my piece of tart.

A bargain

The Hodja always wanted to learn something

new, and one day he had a sudden

inspiration to learn how to play the lute. He

approached a music teacher and asked him,

"How much do you charge for private lute

lessons?" "Three silver pieces for the first

month; after that one silver piece a month."

"Oh, great!" exclaimed Hodja. "Then I'll start

with the second month."

Seasons

Teacher -How many seasons are there in

the year?

Sandy -Two, sir: football and basketball.

Twenty times

McDonald -I know a man who shaves

more than twenty times a day.

McDougall -Who?

McDonald -A barber.

Flies

Why were the flies playing football on the

saucer?

Because they were playing for the cup!

Get your coat on

What did the big tooth say to the small

tooth? ''Get your coat on, the dentist is taking

us out!''

He forgot

Sister -How did Mum find out you hadn't

washed yourself?

Brother -I forgot to wet the soap!

JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES 201

Taxi

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.

B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

Grave

A: Why are you crying?

B: The elephant is dead.

A: Was he your pet?

B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his

grave.

Short talk

A teenage girl had been talking on the

phone for about half an hour, and then she

hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short.

You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

Punishment

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for

something I didn't do?"

TEACHER: "Of course not."

PUPIL:"Good, because I haven't done my

homework."

Fifty five

A teacher asked a student to write 55.

Student asked: How?

Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!

The student wrote 5 and stopped.

Teacher: What are you waiting for?

Student: I don't know which side to write

the other 5!

May I!

Little Johnny:Teacher, can I go to the

bathroom?

Teacher:Little Johnny, MAY I go to the

bathroom?

Little Johnny: But I asked first!

Idiot

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad:An idiot is a person who tries to

explain his ideas in such a strange and long

way that another person who is listening to

him can't understand him. Do you understand

me?

Son: No.

End of the world

Man:I could go to the end of the world for

you.

Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Let's share

Man: I want to share everything with you.

Woman: Let's start from your bank

account.

A hundred dollar bill

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a

hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping

him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.

Thump in the soup

Customer:Excuse me, but I saw your

thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.

Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't

hot.

Cheap apartment

The real estate agent says, "I have a

good, cheap apartment for you."

The man replies, "By the week or by the

month?"

The agent answers, "By the garbage

dump.."

Funnier

"You look very funny wearing that belt."

"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear

it."

Which part

"I was born in California."

"Which part?"

"All of me."

Decisions

Teacher: Do you have trouble making

decisions?

Student: Well...yes and no.

202 JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES

Simple present

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the

verb "to walk" in simple present.

The student: I walk. You walk....

The teacher interrupts him: Quicker

please.

The student: I run. You run...

The dishes

Father: What did you do today to help

your mother?

Son: I dried the dishes

Daughter:And I helped pick up the pieces.

Breakfast

A:Look at your face I know what you have

for breakfast

B: What was it?

A: Eggs.

B: No, that was yesterday.

Race

A: Why are all those people running?

B: They are running a race to get a cup.

A: Who will get the cup?

B: The person who wins.

A: Then why are all the others running?

Vampire

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by

a vampire.

Doctor: Drink this glass of water.

Patient: Will it make me better?

Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your

neck leaks.

The blood

A: When I stand on my head the blood

rushes to my head, but when I stand on my

feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why

is this?

B: It's because your feet aren't empty.

Homework

Teacher: Did your father help you with

your homework?

Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Questions

One day a neighbor inquired of Hodja,

"Why do you always answer a question with

another question?" He replied, "Do I?"

Sugar

Teacher: What are some products of the

West Indies?

Student: I don't know.

Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you

get sugar from?

Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

Werewolf

I used to be a werewolf...

But I'm much better noooooooooooow !

Stop

"Spell STOP three times."

"STOP, STOP, STOP "

"What do you do when you come to a

green light?"

(Answer is invariably-) "Stop!"

"What, at a GREEN light?"

Frog

In a restaurant:

Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog

in my soup!!!

Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.

Pretty ugly

Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm

ugly. What do you think, Peter?

Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.

JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES 203

Big men

A visitor to the Mid West asked: 'Any big

men ever born in this town?'

'No,' came the reply. 'Just little babies.'

William Shakespeare

A guide was showing tourists around the

museum at Strafford upon Avon.

'This is the skull of William Shakespeare,'

he told the group.

'But it's the skull of a boy!' exclaimed one

tourist.

'Yes,' said the guide, blushing. 'That must

have been when he was a lad.'

Stop screaming!

Dentist: 'Stop screaming! I haven't even

touched your tooth. In fact you're not on the

chair yet.'

Boy: 'I know, but you're standing on my

foot!'

How long?

Customer: 'Excuse me, but how long have

you been working here?'

Waitress: 'About three months, sir.'

Customer: 'Oh. Then it couldn't have been

you who took my order.

Nine o'clock

Angry employer: 'You should have been

here at nine o'clock.'

Late employee: 'Why, what happened?'

Messages

Boss: 'Did you take any messages while I

was out?'

Young secretary: 'No. Are any of them

missing?'

Fly

'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.'

'Would you prefer it to be served separately?'

Magician

'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.'

'No sir, that's the chef. The last customer

was a magician doctor.'

Fly soup

'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.'

'I know sir it's a fly soup.'

Insecticide

'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.'

'Oh, dear, it must have committed insecticide.'

Meat

'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.'

'That's the meat, sir.'

Brakes

Driving instructor: 'What would you do if

you were coming down that very steep hill

into town and your brakes failed?'

Learner: 'Hit something cheap?

Profit

Customer: 'But if it costs ten pounds to

make these watches, and you sell them for

ten pounds where does your profit come in?'

Shopkeeper: 'From repairing.'

The wrong answer

Teacher: 'If I were to ask you to add 9731

to 237 and then halve it, what do you think

you would get?'

Simon: 'The wrong answer, sir'

Heaven

Sunday school teacher: 'Now, Jonathan,

can you tell me what sort of people goes to

Heaven?'

Jonathan: 'Dead ones Miss.'

204 JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES

Pies

I went into a bakery, I said: 'How much for

these two pies?'

The girl behind the counter said: '90

pence.'

I said: How much is it for one?'

She said: '60 pence.'

I said: 'I'll have the other one.'

Farmer

'I bet you don't know how many sheep

there are in this field?' said the English

farmer to the Irish visitor.

The Irishman glanced around the field and

then replied: 'Three hundred and eighty-six.'

The farmer was astonished. 'That's incredible!

You're perfectly right. How did you manage

it?'

'Oh, it was quite simple,' said the

Irishman. 'I just counted the number of legs

and divided by four.'

Bath

'Are you going to take a bath?'

'No - I'm going to leave it where it is:'

Mother kangaroo

The mother kangaroo suddenly leapt into

the air and gave a cry of pain and anguish.

'Sidney!' she screamed. 'How many more

times do I have to tell you that you cannot

smoke in bed!'

Camel

A camel decided to educate his who he

thought was getting a little inquisitive.

'Why do we have two humps?' asked the

son. 'That's so that we can go for days and

weeks without water. We can store it in the

humps.'

'Why do we have very long eye lashes?'

'That,' he was told, 'is to protect the eyes

from the sand in a sand storm.'

'And why do we have bulbous looking

feet?' 'That is so that we can travel twice as

fast through the desert.'

'Dad,' asked the young camel, 'what the

hell are we doing in this zoo?'

Shape of the earth

'What's the shape of the earth?' the

teacher asked Willie.

'Round.'

'How do you know it's round?'

'All right, it's square. I don't want to start

an argument.'

Bright class

Visitor: 'You must have an unusually

bright class. Whenever you asked a question-

no matter how difficult-every student

raised his hand.'

Teacher: 'They're just average students.

Confidentially, the explanation for their

hand-raising is that whenever we have a visitor,

all students raise the right hand; those

who don't know the answer raise the left

hand.'

Desert island

'Suppose you found yourself on a desert

island, Bob,' said the teacher,' and could

have only one book. Which book would you

prefer?'

'After thinking a moment, Bob replied,

'Boat Building for Amateurs.'

New bicycle

Little Johnny, exhibiting his skill in riding a

new bicycle, came down the street in front of

his house. 'Look, Mum,' he cried, folding his

arms, 'no hands!'

Again he came into view, this time coasting

with his feet off the pedals. 'Look, Mum,'

he shouted, 'no feet!'

Half an hour passed, and Johnny again put

in his appearance. This time, somewhat subdued

(softened) he gurgled, 'Look, Mum no

front tooth.'

JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES 205

Ten men in a boat

Teacher to class: 'There were ten men in a

boat and it tipped over; nine men got their

hair wet, but the other man didn't get his

hair wet. Can one of you tell me why?'

Class clown: 'Because the other man was

bald.'

Who is this speaking?

Voice over telephone: 'Tommy Hagan

won't be in school today.'

Teacher: 'Who is this speaking, please?'

Voice: 'This is my father speaking.'

Resolution

Tim: 'What's your New Year's resolution?'

Frank: 'To be much less conceited.'

Tim: 'Will that be difficult to maintain for

a year?'

Frank: 'Not for someone as clever and

intelligent as me.'

Fishing

Young Harold was late for Sunday school,

and the minister asked the cause. 'I was

going fishing, but Father wouldn't let me,'

announced the lad.

'That's the right kind of father to have,

'replied the reverend gentleman. 'Did he

explain the reason he would not let you go?'

'Yes, sir. He said there wasn't bait enough

for two.'

Return ticket

Customer: 'A return ticket, please.'

Airline reservation clerk: 'Where to, sir?'

Customer: 'Back here, please.'

Landlady

When I lived in lodgings my landlady kept

some animals in the yard at the back of the

house.

The first day I was there, one of the chickens

died, so we had chicken soup.

The next day, the pig died, so I was

offered pork chops.

The following day, the duck died, so we

had roast duck with apple sauce.

The next day my landlady's husband died

- so I left.

Two fleas

The two fleas were just leaving the theatre

when the male flea turned to the female

flea and said: 'Shall we walk, or take a dog?'

Honeymoon

On the first morning after the young husband

arose, went to the kitchen and took

breakfast up to his bride. 'There,' he said.

'What do you think of that?'

She gazed at the tea, the bacon and eggs,

the toast and marmalade, all nicely set out

on the tray, and said: 'Why, that's wonderful.'

'Yes,' he replied, 'and that's how I want it

every morning.'

Grandfather

Clive: 'Tony, is it true you married Cynthia

for the money her grandfather left her?'

Tony: 'Of course not! I would still have

married her if someone else had left her the

money.'

Fortune

The young man asked the beautiful young

girl to marry him, pointing out that his father

was 103 years old and that he was heir to his

father's substantial fortune.

The girl asked the young man for time to

consider his offer. Two weeks later, she

became his step-mother.

Hell

Fred: 'My wife converted me to religion.'

Bill: 'Your wife converted you to religion?

How did she do that?'

Fred: 'Because I didn't believe in Hell until

I married her!'

The old inmate

The old inmate greeted his new cell partner

with the question 'How long you in for?'

'Twenty-five years,' the new prisoner

replied.

'Then you take the bed nearest the door,'

said the old timer. 'You will be getting out

first.'

206 JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES

Three turtles

Once there were three turtles. One day

they decided to go on a picnic. When they

got there, they realized they had forgotten

the soda. The youngest turtle said he would

go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the

sandwiches until he got back. A week went

by, then a month, finally a year, when the

two turtles said, "oh, come on, let's eat the

sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle

popped up from behind a rock and said, "If

you do, I won't go!"

Unbelievable

An inebriate was watching an old and ugly

woman enter a revolving door. As the door

swung around, a pretty girl stepped out.

'Unbelievable,' he muttered.

Fool thing

A philosopher defined the difference

between life and love: 'Life is just one fool

thing after another; love is just two fool

things after each other.'

Traffic

A man stood on the street corner waiting

to cross while the traffic streamed by, swift

and continuous. After a long wait, the man

became impatient, but he dared not risk

going out into the traffic. He spied another

pedestrian on the other side of the street and

called to him, 'Hey, I say, how did you get

over there?'

The other man cupped his hands about his

mouth and shouted, 'I was born here.'

Playground

Religious knowledge teacher: 'Now,

Timothy, where do naughty boys and girls

go?'

Timothy: 'Behind the bicycle shed in the

playground.'

A good little boy

Mother: 'Where did you get that black

eye, Jimmy? Didn't I tell you that good little

boys never fight?'

Jimmy: 'Yes, mother, and believed you. I

thought he was a good little boy and I hit

him, and then I found out he wasn't.'

Supermarket

The little girl had been taken to the supermarket

by her mother but somehow managed

to get lost near the tinned food section.

'Excuse me,' asked the little girl of another

customer. 'Have you seen a mother walking

along pushing a shopping trolley without

a girl like me?'

Don't mention it

A little girl was going to a party and her

mother told her to be a good girl and to

remember, when she was leaving, to thank

her hostess.

When she arrived home, the mother

asked her if she thanked her hostess and the

little girl replied: 'No, the girl in front of me

did and the lady said "Don't mention it" - so

I didn't.'

Money, money

Ronald: 'All my wife says to me is 'Money,

money.' She is always asking me for money.'

Richard: 'Why does she need so much?

What does she spend it on?'

Ronald: 'I've no idea. I never give her

any.'

She's just flown

'Doctor, I'm worried about my wife. She

thinks she is a bird.'

'Well, you had better bring her in to see

me.'

I can't. She's just flown south for winter.'

20 pounds

The wife wanted to do some shopping during

the day, so at breakfast she asked her

husband for 20 pounds.

'Money, money, money!' he shouted.

'Every day of the week you want more

money. If you ask me, I think you need

brains more than you need money.'

'Perhaps so,' his wife agreed, 'but I asked

you for what I thought you had the most of.'

JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES 207

Exaggeration

Father to small boy: 'How many millions of

times have I told you not to exaggerate?'

Heaven

Johnny gazed at his one-day-old brother

who was yelling at the top of his voice. 'Did

he come from heaven?' Johnny asked his

mother.

'Yes, dear,' she replied.

'Well,' Johnny mused, 'I can see why they

put him out.'

Intelligence

Father: 'I'm just conceited enough to think

that our son gets his intelligence from me.'

Mother: 'Well, he must. I've still got mine.

Eight eggs

Little boy: 'I et four eggs for breakfast this

morning.'

Big sister: 'You mean ate.'

Little boy: 'Maybe you're right. Maybe I et

eight eggs for breakfast this morning.'

Letter

Dobb: 'What's that piece of cord tied

around your finger for?'

Botham: 'My wife put it there to remind

me to mail her letter.'

Dobb: 'And did you mail it?'

Botham: 'No. She forgot to give it to me!'

Present

Father: 'Peter, how do you like school?'

Peter: 'I like school okay, but not the

teacher.'

Father: 'Don't like the teacher? Why not,

son?'

Peter: 'Because she told me to sit in the

front seat for the present, and then she didn't

give me the present!'

What a funny nose

Mother: 'It's rude to whisper, Humphrey.'

Humphrey (aged five): 'Well, I was saying

what a funny nose that man's got. It would

have been much ruder if I'd said it aloud.'

Other pair

Dad: 'You brought me the wrong boots,

son. Can't you see that one of them is black

and the other brown?'

Son: 'Yes, dad, but your other pair is just

the same.'

Statistician

Mother wanted to spend Saturday afternoon

shopping, and father-a statisticianreluctantly

agreed to abandon his golf and

spend the afternoon with the three small,

energetic children. When mother returned,

father handed her this:

Dried tears-9 times

Tied shoes-13 times

Served water-18 times

Toy balloons purchased-3 for each child

Average life of balloon-exactly 12 seconds

Cautioned children not to cross street-21

times

Children insisted on crossing street-21

times

Number of Saturday father will do this

again-0

How else?

Son: 'Pop, what's the capital of Uruguay?'

Father: 'I don't know son.'

Son: 'Where was George Washington

born?'

Father: 'I don't know.'

Son: 'What's a polygon?'

Father: 'I don't know.'

Mother: 'Don't bother your father.'

Father: 'Let him ask questions. How else is

he going to learn?'

Spring cleaning

'Could I have a day off, sir, to help my wife

with the spring cleaning?'

'No, I'm afraid not -'

'Thank you, sir. I knew I could rely on

you.'

Lost

Little girl to policeman: 'Please, sir, will

you take my little brother home? He's lost.'

Policeman: 'Why can't you take him

home?'

Girl: 'Because I'm lost too.'

208 JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES

Asleep

'Why is father singing to the baby so much

tonight?'

'He is trying to sing him to sleep.'

'Well, if I was baby, I'd pretend I was

asleep.'

Smoking

'Yes,' one man said to another. 'I've read

so much about smoking causing various illnesses

that I've decided to give up reading!'

Pizza

Waitress: 'How would you like your pizza

sliced - six or eight pieces?'

Customer: 'Six, please - I couldn't possibly

eat eight!'

Parrot

A man bought himself a parrot and to

induce him to talk kept repeating, 'Hello,

hello,' to the bird.

Finally, the parrot opened one sleepy eye

and commented, 'What's the matter? Line

busy?

Lazy

Patient: 'Doctor, is there anything wrong

with me? Don't frighten me half to death by

giving it a scientific name. Just tell me in

plain English.'

Doctor: 'Well, to be perfectly frank, you're

just plain lazy.'

Patient: 'Thank you, Doctor. Now please

give me the scientific name for it so I can tell

the family.

You're excellent

I admire you very much, you never criticize;

you cover my mistakes with so many

little lies. In all my thoughts we both agree.

I really think you're excellent, because you're

me.

Snail

One row cold morning in January, a snail

started to climb a trunk of a cherry tree. As

he inched painfully upward, a wise guy beetle

stuck his head out of a nearby crack and

called, 'Hey, buddy, you are wasting your

time; there aren't any cherries up there,'

The snail scarcely paused as he replied,

'There will be by the time I get there.'

Hobby

The estate agent spent all day Sunday

showing a couple through model homes.

'And this,' he said at the tenth home he

had shown, 'has a hobby room. Do you have

any hobbies?

'Yes,' replied the woman, 'looking through

model homes on Sundays.'

Ballet

A little boy who went to the ballet for the

first time with his father was amazed to see

all the girls dancing on their toes. Finally, he

turned to his father and asked, 'Why don't

they just get taller girls, Dad?'

New dog

Fred: 'We've got a new dog. Would you

like to come and play with him?'

Tom: 'I've heard him barking and growling.

He sounds very fierce and unfriendly.

Does he bite?

Fred: 'That's what I want to find out.'

Lovely bulldog

'That's a lovely bulldog you've got there.'

'No, it's not a bulldog - it was chasing a

cat and ran into a wall.'

Mackintosh

McPherson was strolling down the street

when he noticed what he thought was the

familiar figure of a friend. Quickening his

steps, he came up to the man and slapped

him on the back. To his amazement, he then

saw he had greeted an utter stranger.

'Oh, I beg your pardon,' he said apologetically.

'I thought you were an old friend of

mine, Mackintosh by name.'

The stranger recovered his wind and

replied with considerable heat, 'And supposing

I were Mackintosh-do you have to hit me

so hard?'

'What do you care,' retorted McPherson,

'how hard I hit Mackintosh?'

JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES 209

Bill

Helen: 'When was your son born?'

Mary: 'In March-he came the first of the

month.'

Helen: 'Is that why you call him Bill?'

Chickens

Diner: 'Do you serve chickens here?'

Waiter: 'We serve anyone - sit down.

Came back

'I don't like to bring this up,' said the doctor

hesitantly, 'but that cheque of yours came

back.'

'I don't like to mention this, either, doc,

'said the patient,' but so did my disease.

Striped crocodiles

'Doctor, doctor! I'm terribly worried. I

keep seeing pink striped crocodiles every

time I try to get to sleep.'

'Have you seen a psychiatrist?'

'No - only pink striped crocodiles.'

Maternity hospital

Voice on the phone: 'Hello? Is that the

maternity hospital?'

Receptionist: 'Yes.'

Voice on the phone: 'Can you send an

ambulance round, the wife is about to have a

baby.'

Receptionist: 'Is this her first baby?'

Voice on the phone: 'No. This is her husband.'

Chicken

Patient: 'Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a

chicken.'

Doctor: 'How long have you thought that?'

Patient: 'For about a year.'

Doctor: 'Why didn't you come and see me

earlier?'

Patient: 'Because my wife said we needed

the eggs.'

Chinese traveler

Years ago a Chinese traveler, returning to

his country after a journey in Europe, wrote

this description of a piano: 'The Europeans

keep a large four-legged animal which they

can make to sing at will. A man, or frequently

a woman, sits down in front of the animal

and steps on its tail, at the same time striking

its white teeth with his or her fingers,

when the creature begins to sing. The

singing, though much louder than a bird's, is

pleasant to listen to. The animal doesn't bite,

nor does it move, though it is not tied.

Polishing shoes

During the American Civil War days a foreign

minister to the United States was

shocked when, on a call to the White House,

he found President Lincoln shining his own

shoes. He told the President that in his country

it was not the custom of gentlemen to

polish their own shoes.

With his customary resourcefulness and

nimble wit, President Lincoln replied, 'Then

whose shoes do they polish.

The check

An American lawyer invited a

Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his

mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the

lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went

out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.

As they were picking blueberries, along

came two big Bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed

a tree. His friend wasn't so lucky and the

male bear caught him and swallowed him

whole. The lawyer drove his car to town as

fast has he could to get a policeman. The

policeman took his gun and ran to the berry

patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two

bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!"

said the lawyer, pointing to the male. The

policeman looked at the bears, took careful

aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"What did you do that for!" shouted the

lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," answered the policeman.

"Would you believe a lawyer who told you

that the Czech was in the Male?"

(The check is in the mail.)

210 JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES

Monk

A man wanted to become a monk so he

went to the monastery and talked to the

head monk. The head monk said: "You must

take a vow of silence and can only say two

words every three years." The man agreed

and after the first 3 years, the head monk

came to him and said, "What are your two

words?" "Food cold!", the man replied.

Three more years went by and the head

monk came to him and said "What are your

two words?" "Robe dirty!", the man

exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the head

monk came to him and said "What are your

two words?" "I quit!" , said the man.

"Well, the head monk replied, I am not

surprised. You have done nothing but complain

ever since you got here!"

American

A young man comes before the Customs

agent.

A: "State your citizenship."

B: "American" (pronounced with a

Spanish accent).

A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that again."

B: "I said American."

A: "I'm going to give you a test."

B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I tell

you I'm American."

A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, I've

got it. Make a sentence with the following

colors: green, pink and yellow."

B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American. But

OK, let's see... I was at my bruder-in-laws

house and the phone went 'green, green, I

pinked it up and sed yellow!"

Penguins

A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to

London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on

the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab

and is looking at the engine when a second

lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if

he needs help. The penguins' driver explains

that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and

asks if the other man would take the penguins

there. He agrees.

Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver

drives past the first one, who is still waiting

on the motorway. The penguins are still on

the lorry, and look happy.

"I thought I asked you to take those penguins

to the zoo," shouted the first driver.

The second replied, "I did, but I had some

money left, so we're going to the cinema

now."

Who am I?

One day a student was taking a very difficult

essay exam. At the end of the test, the

Prof asked all the students to put their pencils

down and immediately hand in their

tests. The young man kept writing furiously,

although he was warned that if he did not

stop immediately he would be disqualified.

He ignored the warning, finished the test 10

minutes later, and went to hand the test to

his instructor. The instructor told him he

would not take the test.

The student asked, "Do you know who I

am?" The Prof said, "No and I don't care."

The student asked again, "Are you sure you

don't know who I am?"

The Prof again said no. So the student

walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in

the middle, and then threw the papers in

the air. "Good" the student said, and walked

out. He passed.

The ugliest baby

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.

The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby

I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman

slammed her fare into the fare box and took

an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The

man seated next to her sensed that she was

agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The

man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a

public servant and shouldn't say things to

insult passengers." "You're right," she said.

"I think I'll go back up there and give him a

piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the

man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES 211

Naughty parrot

A man got a parrot which could already

talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big

vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered

that the parrot mostly know bad words.

At first he thought it was funny, but then it

became tiresome, and finally, when the man

had important guests, the bird's bad words

embarrassed him very much. As soon as the

guests left, the man angrily shouted at the

parrot," That language must stop!". But the

bird answered him with curses. He shook the

bird and shouted again, "Don't use those

ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him. Now

the man was really angry. He grabbed the

parrot and threw him into the refrigerator.

But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,

the parrot was still swearing. He opened

the door and took him out, and again the bird

spoke in dirty words and curses. This time,

the man opened the door of the freezer,

threw the bird into it, and closed the door.

This time there was silence. After two minutes,

the man opened the door and removed

the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering

parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his

shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding

very frightened: "I'll be good, I

promise...Those chickens in there what did

they say?"

Three rich brothers

Three rich brothers each wanted to do

something special for their elderly mother on

Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a

huge house. The second brother gave her a

limousine, with a driver. The third brother

remembered that his mother used to love to

read the Bible, but couldn't see well anymore,

so he got her a specially trained parrot

that could recite any verse from the Bible

on demand. Soon, the brothers received

thank-you notes from their mother. The first

son's note said, "The house you bought me is

much too big! I only live in a small part of it,

but I have to clean the whole thing!" The

second son got a note that said, "I rarely

leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the

limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the

driver is so rude!" The third son's note said,

"My darling baby boy, you know just what

your mother loves! The chicken was delicious!"

On the other hand

James was walking down the road one

morning when he met his friend Danny.

"Morning, Danny. Err ... Danny; you're wearing

a glove on one hand and none on the

other. Did you know?" "Yes, well I heard the

weather forecast this morning, you see."

"The Weather forecast?" "Yes, the weather

forecast. The forecaster said on the one hand

it might be fine but on the other hand there

might be some rain."

The preacher

A preacher was told by his doctor that he

had only a few weeks left to live.

He went home feeling very sad, and when

his wife heard the sad news she said to him,

"Honey, if there's anything I can do to make

you happy, tell me." The preacher answered,

"You know, dear, there's that box in the

kitchen cabinet with what you always called

"your little secret" in it and you said you

never would want me to open it as long as

you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to

be with the Lord, why don't you show me

what's in that secret box of yours?" The

preacher's wife got out the box and opened

the lid. It contained $100,000 and three

eggs. "What are those eggs doing in the

box?" the preacher asked. "Well, Honey," she

replied, "every time your sermon was really

bad I put an egg in the box." Now the

preacher had been preaching for over forty

years, and seeing only three eggs in that old

shoe box, he started to feel very proud about

himself and it warmed his soul. "And what

about that $100.000?"" he asked. "Oh, you

see," she whispered softly, "every time there

were a dozen eggs in the box, I ..sold them."

212 JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES

Shoemaker

A man goes out of prison after twenty

years. He decides to go back to the neighborhood

where he lived. When he gets there

he cannot recognize the place. Everything

has changed a lot. The places he used to visit

have all disappeared. Even the pub has disappeared.

He is very tired and would like to

have something to eat. He goes into a small

café and has a coffee and a sandwich. When

he takes out his wallet he finds a shoemaker

ticket in it. He then remembers that the last

thing he had done before being arrested was

to take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker's.

He decides to go there and try. What a wonderful

thing! The shoemaker is still at the

same place. He gets into the shop and tells

the shoemaker that about twenty years

before he had left him a pair of shoes to have

them repaired. The shoemaker has a look at

the ticket and says: "O.K. Come back tomorrow.

They will be ready then." Some things

never change.

The centipede

One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper,

the snail, and the centipede were sitting

around the grasshopper's house drinking

beer. They ran out of beer before they were

ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of

them should go out for more beer. The snail

said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides,

Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so

you know where to go." The grasshopper

said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will

shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed

every time we open one." So they decided to

send the centipede; and the grasshopper

explained how to get to the nearest liquor

store. An hour or so passed and still the centipede

hadn't returned, so the snail and the

grasshopper decided to go look for him. They

got as far as the front door and found the

centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.

Panda

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He

orders the special and eats it. After eating,

he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and

starts to walk out the door. The owner of the

restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing?

You come in here, you kill my waiter and

walk away without saying a word. I don't

understand." The panda says, "Look it up in

the dictionary," and walks out the door. So

the owner gets out a dictionary and looks

under the heading "Panda".

It reads: panda black and white animal;

lives in central China; eats shoots and

leaves.

Lost watch

One night a man came upon a boy looking

for something under a streetlight. The man

asked the boy what he had lost. The boy said

that he had lost his watch. Since it was obviously

not there, the man asked the boy if he

was sure that he had lost his watch in that

spot. The boy said that he had lost the watch

at another place, farther down the street.

The man then asked the boy why he was

looking for the watch under the streetlight.

The boy replied, "Well, sir, the light is much

better here."

Grandfather clock

A man was carrying a grandfather clock

through the streets of the city. He was obviously

doing it with a lot of difficulty. Finally,

another man came up to him and asked,

"Pardon me, it's none of my business, but

don't you think a wristwatch would be far

simpler?"

Different answers

As I was walking along a street in a small

town a man came up to me and asked, "What

time is it? I looked at my watch and

answered, "It's five o'clock." "I must be

going crazy," said the man. "All day long I

keep getting different answers."

Broken

The policeman rang the doorbell, not

knowing quite how he was going to break the

news. The door opened and a woman stood

there gazing anxiously into the policeman's

eyes. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your

husband's new watch is broken." "Broken?"

she said. "How did it happen?" The policeman

replied, "A piano fell on him"

JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES 213

Eight and eight

There once was a very large lady in our

town. She wore a dress size 16. I knew her

when she was young, but she had a much

smaller size.

Why do you think she is now wearing a

size 16?

I guess she just 8 + 8 (ate and ate).

Cousin Jack

I was arrested at the airport. Just because

I was greeting my cousin Jack!

All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.

Speaking dog

Two friends meet and one of them says:"

I've taught my dog how to speak English!"

"That's impossible", says the other man."

Dogs don't speak!" "It's true! I'll show you."

He turns to his dog, "How's the situation in

England?" The dog answers: "Rough, rough."

Tense

One day an English grammar teacher was

looking ill. A student asked, "What's the matter?"

"Tense," answered the teacher, describing

how he felt. The student paused, then

continued, "What was the matter? What has

been the matter? What might have been the

matter... ?"

The weather report

Teacher: Rumiko, be careful your purse is

open. Someone might take your money!

Rumiko: Oh, no. I left it open so I can get

more money.

Teacher: How can you get more money?

Rumiko: The weather report said we

would have some change in our weather!

I love you too!

Boyfriend: What is your favorite music

group?

Girlfriend: I love U2!

Boyfriend: I love you too, but what is your

favorite music group?

New cemetery

I hear this new cemetery is very popular.

People are just dying to get in.

New job

A: How do you like your new job at the

cemetery?

B: I quit after a week. I found the work

too frustrating.

A: What happened?

B: No matter what I said to the customers,

they were always dead right!

Big elephants

If big elephants have big trunks, do small

elephants have suitcases?

What a cool beach!

There is a California dude going through a

desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a

towel and listening to music on his walkman.

He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a

caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and

asks them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far

the sea is?" They look at each other and say:

"Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow

what a cool beach!!!"

New ideas

Company director to board chairman: If

any new ideas come up while I am out of the

meeting for a brief telephone call, my vote is

'No.'

Shadow

My boss is so unpopular even his own

shadow refuses to follow him.

Vegetarians

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do

humanitarians eat?

Driveway

Why do we park our car in the driveway

and drive our car on the parkway?

Out to Lunch

A man entered a crowded restaurant and

found a seat in the corner. A waitress handed

him a menu and left to take care of other

customers who were in a hurry. After a long

interval the waitress suddenly remembered

the man in the corner and hurried over to

take his order. He was gone, but propped up

against his empty water glass was this sign,

scrawled on a piece of note paper: 'Out to

Lunch.'

214 JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES

The blind carpenter

Did you hear about the blind carpenter

who picked up his hammer and saw?

Deaf shepherd

Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who

gathered his flock and heard?

Piano

Wife - Doctor; doctor, my husband's broken

his leg.

Doctor - But madam, I'm a doctor of

music.

Wife - That's all right, it was the piano that

fell on him!

Nuisance

Boastful angler -I once had a three hour

fight with a salmon.

Bored friend -Yes, tin openers can be a

nuisance at times.

Gold

Teacher -What happens to gold when it is

exposed to the air?

Smiffy -It's stolen!

Dentist

Smiffy -I went to the dentist yesterday.

Toots -Does your tooth still hurt?

Smiffy -I don't know. The dentist kept it.

Neither do I

Danny -What has ten legs, a yellow back,

a green eye and a long, homed tail?

Cuthbert -I don't know.

Danny -Neither do I, but I've just seen

one swimming in your soup!

Calendar

Speaker -How long have I been speaking?

I haven't got a watch with me.

Danny -There's a calendar behind you.

Punch

Headmaster (to boy who has been fighting)

-You should be ashamed of yourself. You

shouldn't hurt a hair of your friend's head.

Boy - I didn't. I punched him on the nose.

Sports car

Lawyer -So you want me to defend you?

Have you any money?

The accused -No, but I have a sports car.

Lawyer -Well, you can raise some money

on that. Now, what are you accused of stealing?

The accused -A sports car.

Broke

What does a frog with no money say?

Broke!Broke!

Date

Smiffy -What is the date?

Toots -I dunno. Why don't you look at that

newspaper that's on the table.

Smiffy -Oh, that's no use -it's yesterday's.

Rhinoceros

Teacher (after a lesson about a rhinoceros)

-Now, tell me something that has a big

horn and is very dangerous?

Smiffy -A motor car.

Pickpocket

Mac -Can I see that new device of yours

for preventing the theft of a watch?

Jock -I can't show you it, it was stolen

from me yesterday by a pickpocket.

Nice face

Mother- What? You've been fighting with

Billy Biggs? I thought he was a peaceable

child. He had such a nice face, too.

Freddie -Well, he hasn't now.

Beekeeper

Tourist -Hey! One of your bees stung me.

What are you going to do about it?

Beekeeper -Sorry. Just tell me which one

did it, and I'll punish him.

JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES 215

Shame

Librarian -Please be quiet, Tim. Those

people beside you can't read!

Tim -They should be ashamed of themselves!

I've been able to read since I was six!

Reading

Mother -Dennis, what are you reading?

Dennis -I don't know, Mum.

Mother -But you were reading aloud.

Dennis -I know, but I wasn't listening.

Birthday

Mc Graw -How old is old Archie?

Mc Gill -I dunno, but everybody was overcome

by the heat from his candles at his last

birthday party.

Football

Frankie -Please, Mrs. Smart, is Bobby

coming out to play?

Mrs. Smart -No, Frankie, it's too wet.

Frankie -Well, is his football coming out,

then?

Subtraction

Judge -You are sentenced to ten years'

imprisonment. Have you anything to add?

Prisoner -No, but I'd like to subtract.

History

Smiffy -I wish I'd lived at the very beginning

of the world.

Toots -Why?

Smiffy -Because I wouldn't have had to

learn history .

Letter

Mum -What are you doing, Tommy?

Tommy -I'm writing a letter to my sister.

Mum -Don't, be silly, you can't write.

Tommy -That doesn't matter, she can't

read.

Sausage

Patient -Doctor, my family think I'm a little

odd.

Doctor -Why?

Patient -Because I like sausages.

Doctor -Nonsense. I like sausages too.

Patient -You do? You must come round to

see my collection. I have hundreds.

Help

Auntie -Do you ever help your little brother

Andrew?

Andrew -Yes, Auntie, I helped him to

spend the five pounds you gave him yesterday!

Manager

The new bank clerk's hobby is climbing

trees.

He must want to be a branch manager!

The Invisible Man

Knock, knock !

Who's there?

The Invisible Man.

Tell him I can't see him at the moment!

Sudden storm

Captain - Let's find out just how much you

know about a boat. What would you do if a

sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?

Danny - Throw out the anchor.

Captain - What would you do if another

storm sprang up aft?

Danny - Throw out another anchor.

Captain - And if another storm sprang up

forward, what would you do?

Danny - Throw out another anchor.

Captain - Hold on. Where are you getting

all your anchors from?

Danny -From the same place you 're getting

your storms.

Teaching

Gamekeeper -Don't you know you're not

allowed to fish here?

Sandy -I'm not fishing. I'm teaching a

worm to swim!

216 JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES

Detective

Waiter -How did you find your steak?

Diner -Easy. I'm a detective!

Leading

Tim -My Dad's got a leading position in a

circus!

Tom -Gosh! What does he do?

Tim -He leads the elephants!

Population

Teacher (in a Glasgow school) -Do you

know the population of Glasgow?

Jimmy -Not all of them. I've only been

here a week!

Lift boy

Freddie -My brother has taken up French,

Italian, Spanish and Greek.

Old man -Goodness! What does he do?

Freddie -He's a lift boy.

Talkative

Teacher -Dennis, what do we call a person

who is very talkative, yet uninteresting?

Dennis -A teacher.

No bottom

An absent-minded professor went into a

shop to buy a jar. Seeing one upside down,

he said, '' How stupid, this jar has no mouth!

'' Turning it over, he was more astonished.

''Why, there's no bottom in it, either! ''

Little patient

Patient -Doctor, doctor, I think I'm shrinking!

Doctor -Well, you'll just have to be a little

patient.

Nationality

When did the Scottish potato change its

nationality?

When it became a French fry!

See you!

Two flies were on Robinson Crusoe's head.

''Goodbye for now," said one. " I'll see you on

Friday!"

Miracle

Angler - Is this stream private?

Passer-by - No, sir.

Angler - Then it won't be a crime if I land

any fish?

Passer-by - No, it'll be a miracle.

Golden

Customer -You said this parrot was worth

its weight in gold and yet it won't talk!

Pet shop owner -Well, silence is golden,

isn't it?

Horseshoe

Bobby -I found a horseshoe this morning.

Mother -Do you know what that means?

Bobby -Yes, it means that some horse is

running around in his bare feet.

The biggest potato

What's the biggest potato in the world?

A hippopotatomus.

Hearing aid

Man -How much do I owe you for my new

hearing aid?

Shopkeeper -Forty pounds.

Man -Did you say fifty pounds?

Shopkeeper -No, sixty pounds.

Glasses

Doctor -You will only have to wear these

glasses at your work.

Patient -That's impossible.

Doctor -Why?

Patient -I'm a boxer.

Antique

Owner of an old car -Someone has stolen

my car.

Friend -These antique collectors will stop

at nothing.

JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES 217

Wallpaper

Shopper -Can I stick this wallpaper on

myself?

Shopkeeper -Yes, but it would look better

on the wall.

Brown

Jones -What sort of fellow is Brown?

Smith -Well, if ever you see two men

speaking and one looks bored to death, the

other is Brown.

Four eggs

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Four eggs.

Four eggs, who?

For example!

Guilty

Butcher -Have you tried our sausages,

madam ?

Customer -Yes, and found them guilty!

Lion-tamer

Visitor -You're a very small man to be a

lion-tamer.

Lion-tamer -Yes, but that's the secret of

my success. The lions are waiting for me to

grow bigger.

Bean soup

Diner -Waiter, what on earth is this in my

bowl?

Waiter -It's bean soup.

Diner -I don't care what it's been, what is

it now?

Parachutes

A parachute firm advertised -No one has

ever complained of one of our parachutes not

opening!

Lunch break

Clerk -My salary is so small, sir, that I

can't afford lunch.

Boss -Then from tomorrow we will cut out

your lunch break.

Patience

Angler -You've been watching me for three

hours. Why don't you try fishing yourself?

Smiffy -No, I don't have the patience.

Which one?

Patient -I keep seeing double, doctor.

Doctor -Lie down on the couch then.

Patient -Which one?

Annoyed dog

Visitor -What's wrong with that dog of

yours? Every time I take a drink of water he

growls.

Tommy -Oh, he won't bother you. He's

just annoyed because you're drinking out of

his cup.

Competition

Prison visitor -And what brought you

here?

Prisoner -Competition.

Prison visitor -Competition?

Prisoner -Yes, I made the same kind of

banknotes as the Government.

Occupation

Doctor -What you need is a change of

occupation. Your present job seems to be

making you unhappy. What do you do ?

Patient -I'm a joke writer

First-class

Diner -Is this a first-class restaurant?

Waiter -Yes, but we don't mind serving

you!

Rheumatism

Tourist -Is this part of the country good for

rheumatism ?

Old man -Yes! I got mine here.

218 JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES

Wood pigeon

Customer -What kind of bird is this, waiter?

Waiter -It's a wood pigeon, sir.

Customer -I thought so -would you bring

me a saw?

How far?

Miss Screecher -I'm going away to study

singing.

Neighbor -Good! How far away?

Popular

Old lady (at concert) -Is that a popular

song he's singing?

Old man -It was before he sang it!

Which one?

Auntie -If your mother gave you a large

apple and a small apple and told you to give

one to your brother, would you give him?

Nephew -Do you mean my big brother or

my small brother?

Fairy-tale

Patient -Doctor, doctor, I swallowed a

fairy-tale book yesterday.

Doctor -Sit down and tell me the whole

story.

Dog family

Teacher -Name four members of the dog

family, Joe.

Joe -There's Mummy dog, Daddy dog,

Sister dog and Brother dog!

Four

Uncle -Why are they looking so worried

about, Jack?

Young Nephew -Well, yesterday my

teacher said two and two are four, and today

Dad said one and three are four, and I don 't

know which to believe.

Promise

Hotel manager -Rooms overlooking the

sea cost 5 Dollars extra.

Miser -How much does it cost if I promise

not to look?

A black eye

Teacher -If you had twelve sweets, and

Johnny took half, what would he have?

Tiffany -A black eye !

On fire

Fireman -Hey! Come on! Can't you see

your house is on fire?

Patient -Can't help it. The doctor told me

not to leave my bed for two days.

Early rise

Youth -Shall I have a chance of an early

rise in this job?

Boss -Most certainly! Six o'clock every

morning.

Not one

Boss -I want a man who is clever, hardworking

and punctual.

Lazy Larry -You don't want one man, you

want three.

How much?

Teacher - If you had two pounds and you

asked your dad for another two pounds, how

much money would you have ?

Johnny -Er ...two pounds, sir.

Always right

Boss -What do you mean by arguing with

that customer? Don't you know our rule? The

customer is always right.

Assistant - I know. But he was insisting

that he was wrong.

Bring it back

Flying instructor -If anything goes wrong,

leap out of the plane and pull the cord of the

parachute.

Cadet -Supposing the parachute doesn't

open?

Flying instructor -Bring it back and I'll give

you another.

Correction

Pupil -I can't read this correction of yours,

sir.

Teacher -It says, ''You must write more

clearly!'

JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES 219

Peacemaker

Jack -Please, sir, I stopped a fight.

Teacher -That's right, always be a peacemaker.

How did you stop them?

Jack -I punched them both.

Boat

Novice (hiring boat) -I've no watch so I

hope I shall know when my hour is up.

Boatman -Oh, yes, you know by the water.

The boat fills up to the seat in about an hour

and a half.

Too fast

Farmer -Did you count the pigs this morning,

Paddy?

Paddy -I counted nineteen, but one ran so

fast that I couldn't count him at all.

Slow - motion

Patient -How much is it to have a tooth -

extracted?

Dentist -Thirty pounds.

Patient -What! For three seconds' work?

Dentist -All right, I'll take it out in slow -

motion.

I forgot

Mother -Why are you jumping up and

down, Minnie?

Minnie -It's all right, Mother. I forgot to

shake my medicine before I took it, so I'm

doing it now.

A pound coin

Willie -I lost a pound coin this morning,

Tim.

Tim -Hole in your pocket?

Willie -No, the man who dropped it heard

it fall.

Funeral

Old man (entering office) -There is a boy,

John McNab, working here. May I see him?

I'm his grandfather

Clerk- You're just too late, sir. He's gone to

your funeral.

Woodpecker

Bore -Yes, I'm very fond of birds.

Yesterday one actually settled on my head.

Fed-up listener -It must have been a

woodpecker.

It isn't enough

Gentleman -Now, what ought you to say

to a gentleman who gives you fifty pence for

carrying his bag?

Tim -It isn't enough these days.

Next race

Defeated jockey -Well, anyhow, I wasn't

last. There were two horses behind me.

Disgusted owner -Rats! Those were the

first two in the next race.

Pet cat

Fireman -At one fire, I saved ten lives.

Smith -And who were they?

Fireman -A child and her pet cat.

Appetite

Auntie -Why are you eating those cakes so

quickly, Smiffy?

Smiffy - I'm afraid that I will lose my

appetite before I'm finished.

Gladiator

Teacher -Give me a sentence with the

word ''gladiator''.

Pupil -The lion pounced on the woman and

was glad he ate her.

Attention

Employer -Did you put that note where it

would attract Mr. Smith's attention?

Office boy -Yes, I stuck a pin through it

and put it on his chair.

Back to school

Dentist -Don't cry. The tooth is out.

Harold -I know. I'll have to go back to

school now.

220 JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES

Bike

Dick -Dad, would you like to save money?

Dad -Yes, of course.

Dick -Then buy me a bike, and I'll not

wear out so many pairs of shoes.

A wish

Tom -lf you had a wish, what would you

wish?

John -lf I had a wish, I'd wish that I'd get

every wish I wished!

Nearest way

Man -Can you tell me the nearest way to

the hospital?

Little boy -I don't know sir, but if you step

in front of that car you'll get there soon

enough.

Stomachache

Jack -When people's teeth ache they have

them filled, don't they?

Mother -Yes.

Jack -Well, my stomach aches. Could I go

along to the sweet shop and get it filled?

Black cats

Jimmy -Oh, Dad, there's a big black cat in

the kitchen.

Dad -Oh, never mind. Black cats are lucky.

Jimmy -Yes, this one was. It's just eaten

the fish for your supper.

Motor car

Billy (doing crossword puzzle) -Give me

the name of a motor car that starts with ''T''.

Friend -Don't be an ass. You know they all

start with petrol.

Sprint

Dennis -Say, Bill, can you sprint very fast?

Billy -Can I? Why, yesterday l ran around

a half-mile track so fast that my shadow was

just starting out when I got back.

Two stations before

First passenger -Pardon me, does this

train stop at Paddington ?

Second passenger -Yes, watch me, and

get off two stations before I do.

How do you find?

Landlady -Good morning ! How do you

find yourself?

Lodger -I didn't know I was lost.

Undertaker

Tradesman (loftily) -In twenty years of

business, no customer has ever complained

of my work.

Neighbor -Wonderful! What are you?

Tradesman -An undertaker.

What steps?

Old lady (at the zoo) -Mr. Keeper, if one of

the lions escaped what steps would you

take?

Keeper -The biggest I could!

Too late!

Lady -The watch I told you about wasn't

stolen. I've just found it.

Detective - Too late! We've arrested the

thief.

Frozen

Arctic explorer -It was so cold where we

were that the candle froze and we couldn't

blow it out.

Second explorer -That's nothing! Where

we were the words came out of our mouths

in pieces of ice, and we had to fry them to

see what we were talking about.

How soon?

Employer -If anyone asks for me, I'll be

back in half an hour.

New office junior -Yes, sir, and how soon

will you be back if no one asks for you?

Gas-pipe

Man (on the telephone) -Hello, gasman,

come at once! There's an awful leak in our

gas-pipe!

Gasman -Have you done anything to it?

Man -Yes, I put a bucket under it.

Whale

Teacher -To what family does the whale

belong?

Smiffy -Don't know, sir. No family in our

neighborhood owns a whale.

JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES 221

Chicken

Customer -How much are these chickens?

Farmer -Three pounds.

Customer -Did you raise them yourself?

Farmer -Yes; they were two pounds fifty

pence yesterday .

There wasn't any

Artist (showing a blank canvas) -Look at

that picture of a cow eating grass.

Friend -Where's the grass?

Artist -The cow's eaten it.

Friend -Well, where's the cow?

Artist -Oh, it went away when it saw there

wasn't any more grass to eat.

Marbles

Teacher -Now, Bobby, if six eggs cost sixty

pence, how many would you get for twenty

pence?

Bobby -None.

Teacher -What? Why would you get none?

Bobby -Because I'd buy marbles, miss.

Damp climate

Teacher -What are raised in damp climates?

Schoolboy -Umbrellas, sir.

Advertising

First jeweler -I have had it proved to me

that advertising brings results.

Second jeweler -How ?

First Jeweler -Yesterday, I advertised for a

night watchman, and during the night my

shop was burgled.

So cool

Listener -Did you keep cool when confronted

by the bear?

Explorer -Rather, I was so cool that my

teeth chattered.

Taste much better

Auntie -Why don't you eat your sweets,

Jimmy?

Jimmy -I'm waiting for Jack Smith to come

along. Sweets taste much better if there's

another boy looking on.

Salmon

Angler -Have you any salmon?

Village storekeeper -No, but I have some

excellent pork pies.

Angler -Don't be an ass! How could a fellow

go home and say he's caught a couple of

pork pies?

The best time

Teacher -When is the best time to gather

fruit?

Roger -Please, sir, when the dog is tied up.

Who was to blame?

Motorist -I had the right of way when this

man ran into me and yet you say I was to

blame.

Constable -You certainly were.

Motorist -Why?

Constable -Because his brother is the Lord

Mayor; his father is chief of police, and I'm

engaged to his sister.

Sir

Teacher (to new boy) -What's your name,

my little fellow?

New boy -Jimmy Brown.

Teacher -Always say ''sir'' when you are

speaking to a teacher. Now, what's your

name?

New boy -Sir Jimmy Brown.

Cake

I wonder if there is any kind of cake you

don't like ?

Wee Jock -Yes, stomachache!

On page 121

History teacher -Where did King William

die?

Pupil -On page 121 sir.

Brave boy

Boy (with pal at dentist's) -Please, I want

a tooth out, and I don't want an anesthetic,

because I'm in a hurry.

Dentist -That's a brave boy. Which tooth is

it?

Boy -Show him your tooth, Albert.

222 JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES

Revenge

Binks -I am sorry my hen got out and

scraped up your garden.

Jinks -That's all right. My dog ate your

hen.

Binks -That's all right, too. I've just run

over your dog.

It works

Uncle -Were you pleased with the drum I

sent you for your birthday?

Nephew -Yes, very much, Uncle. Mother

gives me five pounds every week not to use

it.

Good news

Small brother -The skateboard you left

under the park seat yesterday has been

found.

Big brother -Good news! Who has it?

Small brother -I don't know, but it's been

found. I looked, and it isn't there now.

Real donkey

Auntie -Well, how did you enjoy the ride

on Uncle's shoulders?

Minnie -Oh, it was quite nice, but I had a

ride on a real donkey yesterday.

Disappearance

Manager -I'm afraid that fellow I gave a

job to last week is dishonest.

Assistant -You shouldn't judge by appearances.

Manager -I'm not, I'm judging by disappearances.

Unlucky

Jones -I have been born unlucky.

Friend -Why?

Jones -Well, I was at a football match, and

there were twenty-two players and a referee

on the field, about ten thousand spectators in

the ground, and the ball hit me.

Familiar

Jackson -I think we met in this restaurant

last month. Your coat seems familiar to me.

Johnson -But I didn't have this overcoat

last month.

Jackson -No, but I did.

Fried egg

Friend -I could eat that fried egg, it looks

so real.

Artist -Fried egg! That's a sunset I've

painted.

Don't worry

Water, waiter, there's a fly in this soup!

Don't worry, sir. It won't drink much!

Broken ladder

Boy (to neighbor) -Father's sent me back

with your ladder. He's broken it, and he

hopes you'll have it mended quickly because

he wants to borrow it again next week.

Remember

Father -Why were you kept in at school?

Jimmy -I didn't know where the Nile was.

Father (angrily ) -In future, you must

remember where you put things.

No need to hurry

Hotel manager -Are you the gentleman

who wanted to be awakened to catch the

early train?

Hotel guest -Yes.

Hotel manager -Then you can go back to

sleep, you've missed it.

Return ticket

McTavish (victim of shipwreck) -Well, it

might have been worse.

McTaggart (also a victim) -Yes, we might

have bought a return ticket.

Brotherly love

Teacher -If I saw a boy beating a donkey,

and I stopped him, what virtue should I be

showing ?

Plug -Brotherly love, sir.

JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES 223

Bring another

Diner -Waiter, this soup isn't fit for a pig.

Waiter - Sorry, sir, I'll take it away and

bring some that is.

Replacement

Customer -Didn't you claim when you sold

me this car that you'd replace anything that

was broken or was missing?

Car salesman -Yes, sir. What is it?

Customer -Well, I want four front teeth

and a collar bone!

Scars

Barber -Have I shaved you before?

Customer -No. I got these scars in the

war.

Present

Bloggs -You should think of the future.

Noggs -I can't. It's my wife's birthday, and

I'm thinking of the present.

Zoo imitation

Singer -I'm afraid I wasn't singing very

well tonight.

Wireless announcer -Oh, that's all right.

You were announced as zoo imitations.

It's here

Stranger -Boy, where does this road go

to?

Dimwit -I don't think it goes anywhere.

It's here every morning.

Turtle soup

Gent -Waiter I've been waiting half an

hour for my turtle soup!

Waiter -Well, sir; you know how slow turtles

are!

How many?

Circus manager -What's the matter with

your hand?

New lion tamer -I put it in the lion's mouth

to see how many teeth he had, am he shut it

to see how many fingers I had.

Superstitious

Terry -Are you superstitious ?

Jerry -Not at all.

Terry -Well, lend me thirteen pounds.

Like a horse

Artist -I've been working like a horse all

day.

Friend -How?

Artist -I've been drawing a cart!

Mash them

Teacher -If I had ten potatoes to share

equally among four boys, how would I do it?

Sidney -Mash them, sir.

Bridge

Train guard -Keep your head inside the

window there.

Passenger -Why?

Train guard -Because we don't want any of

our bridges damaged.

Mistake

Teacher -Aren't you sorry you hit Timmy

under the chin? I'm sure it was a mistake.

Jimmy -Yes, miss; I meant to bash him on

the nose.

Missed

Angry man -I'll teach you to hit our cat

with stones!

Tommy -I wish you would sir. I've had ten

shots, and missed each time.

Boots

Briggs -Did you tell Jiggs that I had the

biggest feet you had ever seen ?

Griggs -No, I just said that if you took off

your boots you would be half- undressed.

224 JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES

Stranger

Small boy -Is that the sun or the moon up

there?

Dimwit -Sorry, I don't know. I'm a

stranger to this place.

You'd better

Villager -Are you painting those trees, sir?

Artist -I am; but it's no business of yours.

Get on with your work instead of interrupting

mine.

Villager -Well, my work is to chop them

down. So you'd better hurry up with your

painting.

Referee

Boss (finding office boy watching football

match) -So this is your uncle's funeral,

Tommy?

Tommy (after some quick thinking) -

Looks like it, sir. He's the referee.

How terrible!

Boastful explorer -And there we stood -

the tiger and myself in the thick of the jungle,

face to face!

Listener -How terrible it must have been

for both of you!

Extravagant

Green -You're getting extravagant. Why

did you tip the waiter five pounds?

Brown -Hush, man! He gave me ten

pounds too much in change.

Charge

Bald man (in barber's chair) -Don't you

think I should get some reduction? There's

very little hair to cut.

Barber -Oh no, in your case we don't

charge for cutting your hair: We charge for

having to search for it.

Lecture

Professor Crumb -What struck you most at

my lecture last night?

Professor Noodle -A bad egg that was

meant for you.

What else?

Professor (to student) -What are you

laughing at? Me?

Student -Oh, no, sir!

Professor (absently) -Then what else is

there in this room to laugh at?

Our kettle

Mother -I'll teach you to tie a kettle to the

cat's tail!

Small boy -it wasn't our cat.

Mother -No, but it was our kettle.

Late again

Boss (as Jenkins comes in half an hour

late) -Late again! Jenkins -So am I!

Fortune-teller

Diner -Waiter, there's a fly at the bottom

of my cup. What does it mean?

Waiter -Sorry, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune-

teller.

Long wait

Grocer -What was that woman complaining

about?

Assistant -Because she had a long wait.

Grocer -Humph ! Some people are never

pleased. She was complaining about the

short weight yesterday.

Quiet

Mother -I am glad you are keeping quiet

boys, while Dad's having his nap.

Bill- Yes, Mum, we're watching his cigar

burn down to his fingers.

Fine for rats

Customer -You said that this dog was fine

for rats. Why, it won't even go near them!

Shopkeeper -Well, that's fine for the rats,

isn't it?

Zebra

Teacher -What is a zebra?

Bobby -A donkey wearing a football jersey.

JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES 225

Train

Passenger -Do I take this train to Leeds?

Guard -No. Get in, and it will take you.

Any change?

Bill -So you've got back from your holiday.

Any change?

Jim -Not a penny.

My shoes

Dennis -What would you do if you were in

my shoes?

Walter -Clean them.

Saxophone

Jones -I thought you hated the saxophone?

Bones -I do.

Jones -Then why did you buy your son

one?

Bones -Because I hate the neighbors

more.

Standing

Tourist (to policeman with extra large

feet) -Can you tell me where Trafalgar

Square is?

Policeman -Yes, I'm standing on it.

Tourist -No wonder I couldn't find it.

Advert

Toots -Are you still looking for your dog?

Smiffy -Yes.

Toots -Why don't you put an advert in the

paper?

Smiffy -What's the use? The dog can't

read!

Old-fashioned

Manager -Henry, you wear a very oldfashioned

coat in the office.

Henry -Yes, it is a bit out of date. I bought

it the last time I got a rise.

Punch

Graham -Where is he? I'll punch his head.

Gordon -I've just punched his head.

Early

Mike -Do you rise early?

Millie -Early? If I rose much earlier I'd

meet myself going to bed.

Submarine

Sailor -I joined the navy to see the world.

Gentleman -Did you see it?

Sailor -No, they put me in a submarine.

New sailor

Captain (to new sailor) -Now what is

the first thing you do when you fall into

the sea?

New sailor -Get wet.

Present tense

Teacher -Tommy, do you know the present

tense of knew?

Tommy -No, sir

Teacher -Correct.

Brakes

Passenger (in taxi) -There's only one thing

I worry about in a car, and that's the brakes.

Taxi driver -Then you've nothing to worry

about, sir, this car hasn't got any.

Clock

Agent -You want your office furniture

insured against theft?

Manager -Yes, all except the clock; everybody

watches it.

Goldfish

Mother -Have you given the goldfish some

fresh water this morning, Smiffy?

Smiffy -No, Mum, they haven't drunk the

water I gave them last week.

Warm reception

Billy -My father gets a warm reception

wherever he goes.

Tommy -He must be very popular

Billy -No, it's not that. You see, he's a fireman.

226 JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES

Watch

Danny -Does your watch tell you the

'time?

Smiffy -No; I have to look at it.

Sudden stop

Old man (to bricklayer) -Did your fall hurt

you?

Bricklayer -No, it was the sudden stop that

was most painful.

Sycamore

Nature lover (gazing at tree) -Oh, great

oak tree, if you could only speak, what would

you say to me ?

Gardener -if you please, sir; it would say

it was a sycamore, not an oak.

The weather

John -Stop rubbing your hands like that.

The weather isn't cold.

Jim - I'm not trying to warm the weather.

I'm trying to warm my hands.

Bright boy

Teacher -That boy of yours seems bright.

He'll carve out a name for himself some day.

Father -He's done it already -on our new

piano!

Famine

Stout man -You look as if there's been a

famine.

Thin man -And you look as if you'd caused

it.

Melon

A boastful American walked up to a British

fruit seller's stall and picked up a large

melon.

''Is that the largest apple you fellows can

grow over here?'' he asked.

''Put that grape down!'' snapped the fruit

seller.

Lift

Hotel guest -I tell you I won't have this

room! I'm not going to pay good money for

such a small room. You think that just

because I am from the country...

Bellboy -Step in, sir. This isn't your room.

It's the lift.

Centimetre

Teacher -Give me a sentence with the

word ''centimetre'' in it.

Wilfrid -My aunt arrived yesterday, and I

was centimetre.

Father

Old man -Your father is entirely bald, isn't

he, Jack?

Jack -Yes, I am the only heir he has left.

Dictionary

Angry customer -I can't find words to

express my feelings towards you.

Smart assistant -That's all right, sir. We

sell dictionaries here.

Spider

Diner -Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

Waiter -Catch it yourself. I'm not a spider.

Dirty face

Mother- Johnny, Auntie won't kiss you

with a dirty face like that.

Johnny -That's what I thought.

Unconscious

Lazy Len -I had a fall last night which rendered

me unconscious for six hours.

Weary Willie -Really! Where did you I fall?

Lazy Len -I fell asleep.

Idiot

Boss -Now, my boy, are you boss of this

business or not?

Office boy -No, sir

Boss -Then don't talk like an idiot!

JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES 227

Steak

Diner -Waiter! This steak is only half the

size of the one I had yesterday.

Waiter -But you're not sitting beside the

window today, sir.

Parrot

Terry -How is it you know all about the

Smiths' private affairs?

Jerry -We looked after their parrot during

the summer holidays.

Trousers

Sergeant -What was all that noise you

were making in the dormitory last night?

Private -I was only dragging Brown's

trousers about the room, sir.

Sergeant -Surely that wouldn't make all

that noise?

Private -But Brown was in them, sir.

Stars

Teacher (giving astronomy lesson) - Now,

Bobby, give me the names of some stars.

Bobby (brightly) -Football or film, sir?

Tomorrow

Diner -Do you see that waiter over there?

They call him ''Tomorrow''.

Friend -Why ?

Diner -Because he never comes.

You saw first

Teacher (pointing to a sweet wrapper on

the floor) Wilfrid, is this yours?

Wilfrid -Not at all, sir. You saw it first.

Underground

Teacher- Tell me, Dennis, who first invented

underground tunnels?

Dennis -The worms, sir

River

Teacher -Now, Danny, do this subtraction

mentally. Six of your friends went to the

river, but two had been told not to go into the

water. Now tell me how many bathed?

Danny (promptly) -Six, sir.

Vacuum cleaner

Mum -Goodness, Minnie, where's the

canary?

Minnie -I dunno, Mum. It was there when

I started cleaning its cage with the vacuum

cleaner.

Cheer up

Election candidate -Really, gentlemen.

With all this uproar, I can hardly hear myself

speak.

Critic -Well, cheer up! You aren't missing

much!

Position

Uncle -Are you able to keep your position

in class?

Smiffy - Certainly! I started at the bottom,

and no one has been able to take my place

from me.

Pure milk

Customer -Are you sure your milk is pure?

Milkman -Oh, yes. Every drop of water we

put in is filtered.

Luggage

Roger -How much will it cost to take me

and my luggage right to my door?

Taxi driver -Five pounds. The luggage

goes for nothing.

Roger -Right! Take my luggage and I'll

walk.

Lemonade

Old man -What are you digging for

Johnny?

Johnny -Lemonade. Teacher says that

minerals are found in the earth.

Ten pound note

Customer -Let me see. How much do you

want for that dog?

Dealer -Forty pounds.

Customer -I thought you said thirty yesterday?

Dealer -Yes, but he swallowed a ten pound

note last night.

228 JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES

Death scene

Actor -Did you see the audience cry when

I played the death scene?

Critic -Yes, they knew you weren't really

dead.

Dark clouds

Fortune-teller -Do not worry, the dark

clouds will soon roll by.

Old gent -Look here, I want to know my

fortune, not the weather forecast.

Wake up!

Theatre producer -Couldn't the villain

shoot himself instead of taking poison?

Writer -Why?

Theatre producer -Well, the bang would

wake the audience up.

Rescue

Diner -Hey, waiter, there's a fly in my

soup.

Waiter -Well, you don't want me to jump

in and rescue it, do you?

Wasp

Teacher -Do you know, Billy, that a

grasshopper is so strong that it can jump a

hundred times its own length?

Billy -Why, that's nothing. I once saw a

wasp lift a twelve-stone man two feet into

the air.

Operation

Visitor to hospital -Have you been under

an operation?

Patient -No, under a car

The hardest work

Roger -I always do my hardest work

before breakfast.

Dad -What's that? Roger -Getting up.

Fraud

Jones -Who was that man you just raised

your hat to?

Bones -Oh, that was my barber. He sold

me a bottle of hair restorer a month ago, and

whenever I meet him I let him see what a

fraud he is.

The mayor

Smiffy's dad -Would you be good enough

to look after my car, please?

Mayor -Sir, I'm the mayor of the town!

Smiffy -That doesn't matter. You look honest

enough.

Asylum

A passenger in an aero plane was far up in

the sky when the pilot began to laugh hysterically.

Passenger -What's the joke?

Pilot -I'm thinking what they'll say at the

asylum when they find out I have escaped!

Any goals?

Visitor -Do you ever score any goals?

Local -Dunno. I've only watched them for

two seasons.

Poetry

Poet -So you think I ought to give up writing

poetry?

Editor -No, you ought to begin.

Color-blind

Mr. White -Excuse me, sir are you Mr.

Green?

Mr. Brown -No, sir I'm Mr. Brown.

Mr. White -A thousand pardons! You see,

I'm color-blind.

Foreman

Boss -Has the foreman told you what to

do?

New watchman -Yes; I've to wake him up

when the boss comes.

JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES 229

Potato

Mr. Smith -Your son threw a potato at me.

Mr. Jones -Did it hit you?

Mr. Smith -No.

Mr. Jones -Then it wasn't my son.

Underwater

Father -Well, Alfie, what were your end-ofterm

marks like?

Alfie -Underwater!

Father -What do you mean?

Alfie -Below ''C'' level!

The donkey brays

One day a friend visited Hodja and said

"Hodja, I want to borrow your donkey." "I'm

sorry," replied Hodja, "but I've already lent it

to someone else." As soon as he said this,

the donkey brayed.

"But Hodja, I can hear the donkey! It's in

the stable!" Shutting the door in his friend's

face, Hodja told him with dignity, "A man

who believes the word of a donkey above my

word doesn't deserve to be lent anything!"

Gruesome

Teacher -Sidney, you give me a sentence

using the word ''gruesome''.

Sidney - Er, my mum's plants grew some

in the past two weeks!

Good cook

Bill (at Scout camp) -Is Jack a good cook?

Sam -I don 't think so. The last time I saw

him he was trying to open an egg with a tinopener!

Hamburger

Boy -Dad, I can't eat this hamburger. It's

awful!

Dad -Shall I call the waiter?

Boy -No, I don't think even he'll be able to

eat it!

None of them

Ian -When I'm grown up, everybody will

be scared of me.

Pa -What'll you be -a boxer or a wrestler?

Ian - None of them. I'm going to be a dentist!

Milkman

Teacher -What comes before seven, boy?

Sidney -Er, the milkman!

I could

Teacher -Dennis! You can't sleep in my

class.

Dennis -Please sir, if you didn't talk so

loudly I could.

Inseparable

Jock -Hector and Hamish had a terrible

row last night.

Alec -I thought they were inseparable

friends?

Jock -That's right. It took six of us to separate

them.

The first rung

Dennis -I fell off a sixty-foot ladder yesterday.

Minnie -It's a wonder you weren't killed.

Dennis -Not really. I fell off the first rung.

The interrupted dream

While taking a nap on the porch, one hot

summer day, Hodja dreamed that a stranger

promised to give him ten pieces of gold. The

stranger placed them in Hodja's hand one by

one until he reached the tenth piece, which

he hesitated to give him.

"Come on! What are you waiting for?" said

Hodja. "You promised me ten!" Just then he

woke up. He immediately looked at this hand

and saw that it was empty. He quickly shut

his eyes again, stretched out his hand and

said, "All right, I'll settle for nine!"

230 JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES

Late for school

Smiffy (in bed) -Gosh! It's quarter to

eight! If Mum doesn't wake me up soon I'll

be late for school!

Big fool

Jock -Jamie's not such a big fool as he

used to be.

Alistair - Is he getting wise; then?

Jock -No -thinner.

The rest

Dad -How many sums did you have wrong

in your arithmetic test?

Smiffy -One.

Dad -And how many did you have to do?

Smiffy -Twelve.

Dad -So you had eleven right?

Smiffy -No, I didn't do the rest.

Discount

Judge -You've been up before this bench

seven times. I fine you to 20 years.

Prisoner -Can I get a discount for being a

regular customer?

Electricity

Boss -Everything in this office is worked

by electricity.

Office boy -I know, sir. Even the wages

give you a shock!

Lost

One day Hodja lost his donkey. While

looking for it he was also rejoicing. When the

people saw him they couldn't figure out why

he was so happy. When they asked him the

reason, Hodja told them, "I'm happy because

I wasn't riding the donkey when it got lost. If

I had been, I'd be lost now, too!"

Bad luck

Charlie -Helping Mr. McKay to look for a

five pound note he'd lost.

Mum -Did you have any luck?

Charlie -No, he found it himself.

Supper

Mum -Well, what comes after T?

Angus -Supper.

Last poem

Poet -What do you think of my last poem?

Editor -Well, I'm glad to hear it's your last.

Myself

Butler -There's a man wanting to see you,

sir.

Absent-minded professor -Tell him I'm not

in.

Butler -I told him, but he won't go away,

sir.

Absent-minded professor -Oh well, I'd

better go and tell him myself!

Court

Judge -The next person who raises his

voice in this court will be thrown out!

Prisoner -Hip, hip, hooray!

Postcard

Slow waiter -How did you order your

steak, sir?

Weary customer -I ordered it by word of

mouth, but I suppose I ought to have sent

you a postcard two weeks in advance!

Acrobats

Showman -Two pounds to see the acrobats.

Come along, sonny -only two pounds.

Davie -I've only got one pound, mister -

but if you let me in, I'll only open one eye.

JOKES AND FUNNY DIIALOGUES 231

One glance

Bill and Bert paid a visit to a court while a

trial was in progress.

Bert -I've no doubt about this case. One

glance at that fellow over there tells me he's

guilty.

Bill -Sssh! That's the judge!

Skunk

What would you get if you crossed a gorilla

with a skunk?

I don't know what you would call it, but

it'd have no trouble getting a seat on the

bus!

Favorite

Teacher -What is your favorite subject

Danny?

Danny -Latin.

Teacher -But you're not learning that.

Danny -I know, that's why it's my favorite.

Manager

Diner -Look here, this will never do. That

man over there has got much more to eat

than me. Where's the manager?

Waiter -That man is the manager.

The wrong face

Sergeant (in army camp ) -Why haven 't

you shaved this morning?

Private -Well, there were eight of us using

the same mirror; and I must have shaved the

wrong face.

What a long way

Barney -I was born in New York, but I

went to school in Scotland.

Jock -Gosh, what a long way you had to

go every day!

What hand?

Terry - What hand do you stir your tea

with?

Jerry -I stir mine with a spoon!

Railways

Speaker (after a very boring lecture) -

Now is there anybody who has a further

question to ask about the railways of Great

Britain?

Angus -Yes. What time does your train

leave?

Boot

Why can't a car play football? Because it's

only got one boot!

March! March!

What date is a command to go forward?

March 4th!

Sheep

Tourist -How many sheep do you have

here?

Shepherd -I can't say exactly. Every time

I start to count them, I fall asleep.

Angry

Teacher -I was very angry yesterday when

I heard a boy snoring during my lesson.

Pupil- Yes, so was I. The noise woke me

up!

Painted

Jack -Would you please open the gate for

me?

Old man (opening the gate) -Yes, but why

don't you open it yourself?

Jack -Because it's just been painted!

Marbles

Mum -Quick, Garry, run for the doctor!

Baby's swallowed one of your marbles!

Garry -That's all right. I've got plenty

more!

Marvelous ear

Applicant for a job in a music shop - I've

a marvelous ear for music. I can pick up anything

musical.

Boss -All right. Help me shift this piano.